Nathan
Nathan didn’t want a drink. He wanted to feel drunk. He wanted to turn the world into a blur. When he had gotten extremely drunk, he blacked out during fun moments – in pubs or in bed. Why couldn’t he have blacked out that whole scene in the lobby? Why couldn’t he have had zero recollection of Mark’s reaction to his admission, of Liam refusing to look at him and walk away?
His dad had booked them a suite at a luxurious hotel in downtown Wellington, one that overlooked the ocean. From his balcony, Nathan could see the restaurant where Liam had taken him. Another memory for which he wanted to be blacked out. The TV blared in the background, but he couldn’t pay attention. His mind kept drifting to yesterday and the mess he made of everything. His mum was smart to keep her distance. He’d found a way to ruin her life posthumously.
His heart ached over Liam, but what did he expect? All he did was lie; Liam wouldn’t want to stick around for that.
Room service knocked politely at the door. Nathan opened up, and the waiter wheeled in a cart of food. His dad walked in behind him. It was close to midnight, but his dad was starving. He was on London time. Nathan’s stomach growled, too, but he got nauseous at the thought of putting food into his mouth.
The waiter set their table and pulled off two plate covers. Steam rose from their meals.
“This looks delicious,” Nathan’s dad said. He tipped the waiter nicely. He then hugged Nathan and awkwardly kissed him on the head, then sat down to eat. All this fatherly affection was new for Nathan, but he could get used to it. He appreciated that his dad was trying.
He motioned for Nathan to join him at the table. Nathan put the plate cover back on his food.
“I was able to book us on a flight home tomorrow evening. I got us the last two first class seats.”
“Smashing,” Nathan deadpanned.
“I don’t know if I’m overtired or ready for another day. I think I’m on my fourth wind.” His dad shoved a forkful of food into his mouth.
“What about my stuff?” Nathan asked. “My stuff is at Liam’s.”
A pang of hurt stabbed at him. He was going to miss that tiny shed.
“I’ll…I’ll go and get it.” From Mark’s. Mariel’s two lovers would have to come face to face. Nathan couldn’t imagine that would be easy for him, or would it since so much time had passed?
“How are you doing?” Nathan asked him. His dad gave him a look, surprised at the question.
“It’s all very strange. Very, very strange.”
“What was it like when you found me?” Nathan realized he never knew this side of the story.
“I freaked the fuck out.” His dad moved his fork around the plate, but didn’t take a bite. “I was so scared. The night before, I was at a pub drinking with colleagues. The next morning, the doorbell rang, and there you were with a grainy photograph from that bloody concert. I became an instant father at twenty-five. I felt like my life was ripped away from me. I was angry. I took it out on her. I never wanted you to know about your mum. That was my form of revenge for what she did. She wouldn’t get to hold a place in your memory. But I wound up hurting you the most. I blamed you, because you were as close as I could get to her. I am deeply sorry.” He rubbed Nathan’s leg, and his voice got heavy with emotion. Nathan never saw his dad cry. Not because he was the strong and silent type, but because they’d never been together in a situation that would involve tears. Things never got emotional between them. “I threw money at you to shut you up and tried to live the life I wanted. I didn’t do right by you.”
“Dad, it’s all right.”
“No, it’s not! The alcoholism, the expulsions. It’s because of me, because I didn’t give you what you needed.” He wiped away his tears, but more came. Nathan gave him a tissue box. He had never seen his dad like this. Emotions poured out of him that were locked up for twenty-two years. “I always knew you would have questions about your mum, but I didn’t want to answer them. I wanted to forget, and I tried to make you forget.”
“You tried to forget in some of the best resorts in the world.”
“I tried to run, but the pain I felt, the pain I knew I was causing, was always with me.” He pointed at his heart. “You were suffering, and I shut you out.”
It was everything Nathan wanted to hear. Justice. Vindication. But it didn’t satisfy him, not when he saw that his dad had been punishing himself this whole time.
“I really hated you,” Nathan said. “But you’re the only family I’ve got.”
“When you go to rehab again, I’m going to show up for every family visitation. I’m going to make sure you stay sober.”
“I am sober, Dad.”
His dad tried to hide his surprise. Nathan couldn’t blame him. He was just as shocked saying that as his dad was hearing that.
“I can’t believe it either.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t—”
“It’s all right. Working on that farm and being with those wonderful people made me want to stay clean.”
