Eventually, she spoke. “What happened between your father and I—that’s private, Seth.”
“It isn’t private,” he snorted. “You never bothered to keep it a secret from me. Did you think I was too foolish to figure out what was happening? Is that it? No—I know that’s not what you thought. You know me better than that. You just didn’t want to bother protecting me from seeing those things.”
“The important thing was that we kept our family business a secret from outsiders,” his mother told him. “The family’s reputation was never tarnished, because no one else ever knew.”
“That’s what you think the important thing is? What people outside the family knew? I suppose when you think of how it all affected me, all you feel is grateful that I didn’t tell people.”
“It wouldn’t have served you to tell anybody,” his mother said. “That wouldn’t have done your reputation any good. Is this why you’ve been so angry with me?” his mother questioned. “You’ve been thinking about these things all this time?”
“Of course I’ve been thinking about this. It was the most significant thing in my childhood, Mother. I grew up knowing that my parents didn’t care for one another. You don’t think that affects a young man?”
“It’s not as bad as you’re making it sound, you know,” his mother defended herself.
“I fail to see how.”
“We had a marriage of convenience. Such a thing is fairly common in marriages like ours.”
“Do you think that makes it better?” Seth was staggered. “Mother, you’ve been trying to convince me that a marriage of convenience would be good enough for me. Do you want me to take a wife, produce an heir with her, and spend the rest of my days seeking out extramarital lovers? I can’t do that. That’s not the sort of man I am. I’m not like Father.”
“Don’t be unkind to your father,” his mother chastised him. “There are plenty of gentlemen who would do as they liked without permitting their wives to do the same. I was fortunate. Your father gave me the freedom to bring men home to my bed.”
“Very fortunate.”
“You don’t need to speak like that. I wasn’t unhappy, Seth.”
“Well, you weren’t as happy as you ought to have been, I know that. If I was married, I would be devoted to my wife. I would care for her and put her needs and desires ahead of my own. I can’t imagine a marriage in which I hardly ever spoke to my wife—in which I spent more time with other ladies than I did with her, the way Father did to you.
“It disgusts me that you’re sitting here defending him. He doesn’t deserve it. And frankly, Mother, you’re not much better.I see the way you’re more concerned about appearances than you are with the effect all this had on your own son.
“I’m telling you I can’t bring myself to marry because of how it made me feel to watch your marriage to Father, and all you can say is that it doesn’t really matter because at least no one ever found out what was going on.
“You didn’t care about your own family. You only cared about avoiding scandal. And I think that’s the only reason you want me to marry now. It’s nothing to do with my happiness. You want an heir because you don’t want people to ask questions about why the dukedom doesn’t have one. That’s all.”
“I’d think you wouldn’t want those questions either,” his mother frowned. “It doesn’t make you look very good, you know.”
“Well, how I look isn’t what’s most important to me! I’ve never wanted a marriage like the one you had, Mother. The lesson you and Father taught me, whether you meant to or not, is that a marriage of convenience would be unbearable to me.”
“You don’t know how it would be for you,” his mother protested. “You’ve never experienced it.”
“I grew up surrounded by it. I was miserable. It staggers me to think, Mother, that you never noticed how unhappy I was as a child. That you didn’t place any importance on that at all. I always assumed that you would have changed things for me if you could, but now I see that I was wrong.
“All that mattered to you was that no one outside the family ever saw the way things truly were for us. Well, I’m glad you got what you wanted.” He rose to his feet. “I’m not going to indulge another moment of these conversations with you, though. It’s clear to me now that you haveneverwanted what was best for me.”
“I don’t know how you can say that, Seth,” she argued. “I’ve even gone so far as to ask around about suitable ladies looking for marriage. I have suggestions for you.”
“You knew I didn’t want you to do that.”
“Someone had to! I had a feeling you might change your mind about all of this, Seth—I was only ever trying to help you. Let me tell you who I’ve found for you.”
“I have no interest in that,” Seth said. “You see—in spite of all the ways your life has impacted me, Mother—you’re right. Ihavechanged my mind.
“I’ve decided that marriage is worth pursuing after all. I’m not going to let your unhappiness with Father keep me from finding the happiness I believe I am capable of. But I’m not going to consider any of the ladies you say you’ve chosen for me. I’ve made my own choice.”
His mother looked hesitant. “Seth—I know this decision is up to you, but you can’t simply marry anyone you want, you know. You have responsibilities to think of. You need to consider thiscarefully, and I’m not sure you have. Perhaps we should talk about it.”
“Do you think I’m going to allow you to change my mind?” he asked her. “Truly, after everything you’ve done?”
“Just listen to me. Please.”
