She had always counted on Matthew. He had always been on her side. Or rather, he hadn’t beenexactlyon her side—his dismissiveness of the idea of a marriage based on love was nothing new to her.
However, he had made her believe that he understood what she wanted out of her life and supported her in her quest for it. Realizing that he had now come to the conclusion that she should just give in and do what their father wanted was a considerable blow.
Lavinia looked up to her brother. It had meant something to her that he had believed she could find love. If he no longer believed in her—maybe she was wrong to believe in herself.
But she heard the duke’s voice in the back of her mind. She knew exactly what he would say right now.Be confident.
When he’d given her that instruction, he hadn’t meant that she should never doubt herself. She understood that now. He had meant that when she felt doubt, she should choose to act as though she still believed in herself. That was what would help her succeed.
That was what Matthew was advising her not to do. He wanted her to give up.
She wasn’t going to do it.
“I have eight days left,” she told her brother. “That means there’s still a chance.”
“Lavinia, that chance is so small. You shouldn’t waste your time on it.”
“I have to try,” she said. “If I don’t try, I’ll always wonder whether or not I could have found love. And that’s the worst future of all—one in which I constantly ask myself that question and never find an answer. Whether I find love during this party or not, at least I’m going to know that I did all I could.”
A heavy certainty settled upon her as she spoke these words, for she knew what she was saying.
If she truly meant to do all she could—that meant she was going to have to return to the duke and ask him to be her instructor once more.
CHAPTER 15
“Ihave to approach him and speak to him,” Lavinia told her sister. “I have to tell him I’m sorry for the way I acted the last time we saw one another, and that’s going to be very difficult, because it means admitting I was wrong.”
“It sounds to me as if he’s the one who ought to apologize,” Edwina said firmly. “Did he really tell you that you had a bad personality?”
“I think he meant to say that Ididn’t, actually,” Lavinia sighed. “It was just the way he said it that I didn’t like. But I shouldn’t be so sensitive about it. I do want his help, after all.”
“No, he should be courteous to you,” Edwina said. “If you ask me, he’s the one who has the bad personality.”
Lavinia chuckled. “You’re a good person to have on my side,” she told her sister. “I know that you would always defend me, no matter what.”
“Well, of course I would,” Edwina said firmly. “I don’t know what kind of person wouldn’t always take her own sister’s side. But I’m not doing it because we’re sisters. I’m doing it because it’s the truth. You’re a lovely person, Lavinia, and you always have been, and anyone who can’t see that is clearly the one who has a problem—not you.”
“He had a point,” Lavinia said. “There is something about me that pushes people away. I can’t pretend it isn’t there. I need his help if I’m going to find myself a match by the end of this party.” She looked at her sister. “Do you still believe it’s possible for me?” she asked. “Do you still think I’m going to be able to find someone? That I shouldn’t give up?”
“Of course you shouldn’t give up,” Edwina said. “Why would you give up? Your time isn’t even halfway done, and look what’s happened already. The Duke of Loxburgh has taken a personal interest in you. He’s bought you new gowns—which peoplehavebeen noticing, by the way. You might find someone at any moment. Today could be the day the gentleman you fall in love with approaches you, and what if you had given up before he could do it?”
“It’s a relief to hear you say so,” Lavinia said.
“Why are you asking me this? I thought we’d established this already. Wasn’t I clear that I didn’t think you should give up on yourself?”
“You were clear,” Lavinia said. “But then I spoke to Matthew yesterday, and he believes that I should go to father and tell himI don’t wish to try to find love anymore. He thinks I should give up.”
“That’s preposterous,” Edwina said. “I know Matthew believes in you.”
“I think what Matthew believes is that my desire to find love isn’t very important,” Lavinia said. “I know it’s not very important tohim, and he’s never really understood why it matters to me. He thinks I should just let it go.”
“Matthew is a good brother, but he’s never fully understood what it’s like to be a lady,” Edwina said. “It’s not something hecanunderstand.”
“So you still don’t think I ought to give up, truly?”
“I think it makes perfect sense that you want a marriage to someone you feel something for,” Edwina said. “To tell you the truth, I dream of the very same thing.”
“Do you? You never said so.”
