The warmth of his large palm feels surprisingly nice against mine, a barrier against this awkward situation.
“What’s in the bag?” I ask as I sit on the end of my bed. “Extra-small condoms?” I laugh at my own joke, and Jaxon cracks a smile too.
“There she is,” he says. “That sounds like the you I’ve been talking to lately.”
I’m not sure what he means. I definitely haven’t been cracking penis jokes.
“What?”
“Don’t worry about it,” he says, sitting next to me. “Definitely no condoms needed today. I know you. You need to becomfortable around a guy before you sleep with him. I’m hoping between the coffee chats, the golf, and the couple of dinners, you’re at least comfortable around me in general.”
I start to cut in, but he cuts me off. “I know that, given your personality, you’d prefer six to nine months before we start any of this, but unfortunately, we don’t have that kind of time. So we have to jump in. Are you good with that?”
No. Yes. I mean, shit. I am the one who instigated this. I wanted to do it. I need to see it through. It’s just a lot harder to wrap my mind around now that we’re here.
“Say it, Iz.”
“Yes.” And I mean it. I decided to do this, and I can’t let myself back out. Whatever he has planned. I’m in. Even if I’m currently so uncomfortable that I’d rather have to explain to the men’s coffee group what soaking is than be here.
He smiles. “Great. So today, we’re going to get you comfortable getting turned on around me.”
I want to tell him he’s an idiot, but maybe he’s right. Maybe it’s best to just jump right in.
Instead, I nod. “Okay…what does that look like? Porn?”
He cocks his head to the side as if considering my suggestion. “Not a bad idea, but no.” He digs into his bag, pulling out two vibrators, one that looks like a pink plastic penis, and one that’s more of a massager—clearly not meant for penetration. “I’m going to watch you come on a toy. Maybe, depending on how it goes, I’ll help out. Maybe I won’t.”
I shake my head, my eyes still glued to the vibrators in front of me. The maybe one time I’ve come, I’ve needed clit stimulation, and, if we’re being honest, the dildo intimidates me a bit. Though this feels like an aggressive first step. Maybe listening to a spicy book together would’ve been an actual first step. What does jumping in look like if this is easing me in?
And the fact that he may or may not touch me?
“I need to know ahead of time if you’re going to touch me,” I say. “Otherwise I’ll be thinking about it the whole time.”
Jaxon purses his lips, considering it. “No touching, but I’ll run one toy while you do the other. Which do you want?”
He holds them out to me, and I’m thrown back to a memory of us at the baseball fields, Jaxon holding out two popsicles, one red, one purple, for me to choose between.
How did we get here?
I grab the massager out of his hands. This is going to be so fucking awkward.
“Excellent choice. Penetration is my specialty,” he says with a wink.
I laugh before the reality of this very awkward situation hits me square in the face.
“You want me to just…?” I mime touching myself with the toy.
He nods, his eyes darker than they were earlier. “Lie back on the bed.”
Because I have no better option, I do as I’m told, scooting up so my head is on the pillow.
“Good girl,” Jaxon says, while turning on some music on his phone. When a song I recognize as one of his earliest ones—one before I stopped listening to his music—comes through, I let out a chuckle, and I force myself to take in his face: his bright eyes and the way the left side of his mouth pulls into a smirk.
“Pants off,” he commands, never taking his eyes from me. “But keep your underwear on.”
Fuck. Am I really going to do this? Am I really going to get fucking almost naked in front of Jaxon? This feels like such a bad plan. Why did I ever—
“Come on, Izzy. I know it feels awkward now, but you’ve got this.”
