It had taken me way too long to speak. I still couldn’t find the right words in my head. I don’t think I was meant to be finding them in my head. I think they were meant to be flowing from my heart. But in the moment, I was blank. I didn’t know how I felt.
‘You’re right to want an explanation, to know how I feel,’ I said. My words still weren’t expressing anything, neither was my slightly tense body. But I was scared the silence would say more than me, I had to start talking. Emma didn’t move, she sat close to me, staring at me, waiting for me to speak more. My eyes flickered into hers and off into the distance with nerves.
I took a deep breath and tried to explain myself as best as I could. ‘I guess I can’t find the words right now. I feel a little bit broken. Not from any previous relationships. In fact, quite the opposite. I feel broken, as though I’m not too sure I know how to let someone in completely. I’m still unsure if I can. I have been thinking about us,’ I said, turning my body slightly towards her and placing my left hand on her right knee. She was stiff, but I kept it there. ‘I know that I really enjoy being around you, we do have so much fun together. But I guess music will always come first for me. I don’t know if it’s fair to let someone else come second best,’ I said, meeting her eyes as I stopped talking, she still didn’t speak or move or show expression. She was perfectly poised, but emotionless. ‘I’m sorry that was probably all a jumbled ramble that made no sense.’ I sighed.
‘All I heard was a lot of… I.’ She spoke slowly and calmly.
‘And still, I didn’t really give you an answer, did I?’
‘I think I’ve always known the answer,’ she said, looking back out into the dark nothingness over the balcony. My hand left Emma’s knee and she sat up and turned towards me. ‘I think I should go home.’
‘No, it’s dark already. We can have an early night here. You don’t have to go. I really am confused. I am. I love being around you,’ I said, beginning to ramble, lost in my own words. ‘I don’t want you to go.’ I didn’t, I wanted to be around her, I loved being around her. But she was right, it was a lot of I’s. I loved being around her for my own selfish needs. Another confusing thought I was grappling with between my head and my heart. Emma stood up and looked down.
‘Then let’s clean these plates up and have an early night.’ She started piling the plates and walked inside the house. I grabbed what was left and followed her in, sitting them on the kitchen bench as we loaded one by one into the dishwasher together. I dropped a powdered tablet in and pressed start on the dishwasher. ‘Maybe we should watch a movie before bed.’ I suggested.
‘I like that idea,’ she said. Instead of watching it in the loungeroom, she started walking straight towards my bedroom and I followed her lead. Still unsure about where our conversation left us, or how I felt.
Buzz, buzz,my phone vibrated along with the desk. ‘Fuck this thing.’ I yelled out and threw it behind me onto the bed. I was in the middle of full concentration, editing a mix for the biggest record label I had ever worked with. It had to be perfect. I heard my phone bounce off the bed behind me. I rolled my desk chair back, kicking my feet into the air and throwing my hands behind my head.
I took a deep breath. My concentration was gone, I was distracted. ‘Calm down, Luc,’ I spoke to myself out loud, ‘It’s all coming together. Take a break.’ I stood up from my chair, taking a couple of deeper breaths and stretching my back and neck. Rolling my head to the right and then the left. Twisting my torso and throwing my arms out. I heard my spine crack twice, God that felt good. I bent down to squint at the time on the bottom right-hand side of my computer screen. Shit, it was three p.m. already. Today was already pretty productive, but I still had so much to do. I finally emerged from my room, for what felt like the first time today. I walked down the hallway and took a seat at my long outdoor table in the middle of my balcony.
I took in a deep breath, giving myself a moment to centre before diving back into the creative chaos in my bedroom. I didn’t really understand meditation, but I wanted to. I always watched videos and read quotes from monks wanting to learn their ways of how they silence their minds. To me, it seemed impossible. Maybe my mind wasn’t designed to completely stop. As soon as I gave myself a moment of stillness. I would get lost in a daydream, a mystical story would play out in front of my eyes, I wouldn’t even be present with what was standing right in front of me. Instead, I would be lost in a world of technicolour with out-of-this-world creatures, crazy heart-pumping adventures, and somewhere there always seemed to be a magician and a statue. I don’t know why I always dreamt of statues. I think I loved their strength, resilience to the moving world around them. They continued to stand tall, unchanged, and live on forever looking just as beautiful in the eyes of the generation that it was created in and the ones to come.
Moments where I wasn’t lost in my own internal world of reverie were rare. I cherished them. This very moment was one of them. I wasn’t anywhere else, but right here. It usually took the presence of other people to give this to me. I took a couple deep breaths looking out into the trees and birds that flew so smoothly, gliding into the winds around the branch’s leaves.
‘Luc, didn’t realise you were home this week.’ A male’s voice called out behind me.
I turned to see one of my housemates James taking a seat at the table to the left of me. ‘Yeah, I’m just here till Wednesday before I take off again,’ I said.
‘How is the current schedule going, man? You seem to be everywhere now,’ said James. I really liked James. Even though we lived together, we hardly saw each other. We would always pass like ships in the night. But in the brief moments I did get to see him, he was always great to talk to about anything.
‘To be honest, I’m pretty exhausted. It’s been hectic, but some really epic opportunities have been coming my way, so I just really have to keep rolling with it,’ I said.
James nodded and smiled. ‘I notice you’ve still been managing to find time to see your girl,’ he said. I looked at him, I didn’t realise he had met Emma. ‘Is she your girl? I haven’t officially met her. I’ve caught her a couple of times driving out of the street when I was coming in and I saw you both together last week, driving off somewhere. What’s her name?’ he asked.
‘Emma.’ I replied bluntly.
‘So, are you both a thing?’ he asked.
I sighed. ‘I don’t know if I can have a thing.’
James furrowed his brow. ‘What do you mean?’
‘You’ve seen how much I travel; how unpredictable my life is. Work has and always will come first for me. I don’t think it’s fair to bring someone into that.’
‘I don’t think someone would be coming back as often as they are if they didn’t already accept and see all those parts of you. Maybe you’re not giving Emma enough credit,’ he said, shrugging his shoulders.
I caught James’ eye; I didn’t say anything. He stood up from his seat and placed his right hand on my left shoulder. ‘You know you’re allowed to be loved for you. Outside of the bloody charts. Maybe it’s time you let yourself experience that,’ he said. I didn’t say anything, I just stared out into the picturesque greenery that overlooked my balcony. James started to walk inside the house. ‘I’m heading up the coast for a couple of days. I’ll probably see you when you’re back,’ he said.
‘Enjoy, man.’ I called out, turning to smile back at James, still not acknowledging his previous comment.
I heard the front door shut and I walked back into the kitchen, pulling open the fridge door to find half a wheel of brie. I kicked it shut, grabbed a cheese knife from the draw, and a packet of crackers from the pantry. Walking back into my room, I dropped the snacks on my desk and walked back to close the door behind me. I picked up the phone that I had thrown on the floor. I sat on my bed, to see who it was trying to contact me before.
It was a message from Emma. The text read:Hey You, are you still up for some company tonight? X
We did usually hang out on Thursday nights, but I hadn’t spoken to her since Tuesday morning, we hadn’t resolved our awkward conversation. Her message was straightforward. But I knew the emotion that was lingering behind it. I knew she was getting attached. I didn’t know how to reply. I didn’t know what to say. What I did know was I had to let her down.
I cared for her. I cared for her so fucking much. But I wanted to be more focused, with no distractions. I had to end this; I didn’t have room for emotions in my life right now.
