‘Yeah, I did. Did you?’ I lied.
‘Not so much,’ he looked straight at me as I sat straight in his bed covered in his sheets. ‘I’m sorry but I’ve got to kick you out. I’ve got to get to some interviews this morning,’ he said bluntly.
‘Oh, right, I have to go anyway.’ My heart sunk as he spoke. He jumped up out of his chair handing me my top and skirt that lay next to the bed. I threw the blankets off me and threw my top over my head before standing up out of bed and wiggling my legs into my skirt.
‘Thanks for coming around,’ he said, kissing my forehead at the entrance of the bedroom door.
‘Enjoy the interview.’ I said, speaking politely, but inside I felt empty. I kissed his lips and walked out of the bedroom, letting myself out of his house.
I drove home in tears. Not from him, but for myself. For hiding myself away and thinking that this was the right thing to do. Emotions were always hard for me, letting people in was hard. But I didn’t want to hate myself for falling for someone who couldn’t fall for me back. I didn’t want to let that define me. I drove away hoping that I could see Lucas just one more time. Maybe on Thursday he would still invite me back. But I knew it would be unlikely. I replayed what I would say to him in my head over again the whole way home. It was the same questions I was burning to ask the night before. But my sinking heart, the lump in my throat got in the way. I didn’t want to text my words to him. I wanted to face him, I wanted him to see and feel my emotion pour out and I wanted it to be okay — that to do that, to be honest, to say the words, to have feelings, that was okay.
I didn’t just hide away for my own feelings; I also hid away to protect his. I knew how he was feeling, how he wasn’t ready to open. Enjoying being so present in someone’s company, for a moment — you can just be you, forgetting about any past traumas and previous hurt. But the closer that someone becomes, even though you want to so badly open your heart and be free enough to love, with every moment you open, there’s the possibility of stab wounds, bleeding holes, and more scars to mend. So instead, pulling away is easier, because the triggers of another person getting so encapsulated inside your heart is a pain that may never be healed, and to risk that pain is life changing. A scar that even when mended stays and becomes a part of your heart.
I thought about him over the next couple of days. But this time it was a sickening thought, a knowledge that our time together had reached its end and now he was just a memory of the past. When Thursday rolled around, I couldn’t help but just see if there was a chance for one more meeting. To feel his body one more time. To make him smile, to hear his laugh. To have him wrap his arms around me to sleep. I craved a real ending, one where I could say goodbye this time. I had just finished my afternoon shift at the craft store. I picked up my phone and sent Lucas a quick text. I wanted to keep it short and sweet. Simple. We hadn’t spoken since Tuesday. But I had to know that I had made the effort, to reach out just one more time.
I typed on my phone:Hey You, are you still up for some company tonight? X.
I shoved the phone into my backpack and rode my bike home.
When I pulled into my driveway, I was nervous to check my phone. I think it was because I already knew what the answer was going to be. I threw my bag onto the bed. Grabbing my phone out of the bag, I checked my lock screen, nauseous for the reply, but there weren’t any messages. I walked through the house and took a seat outside at the dining table. Placing my phone down on table, I sat still, staring out into the garden. I just felt a little sick and numb waiting to read the words of rejection, whilst still holding hope in my heart for something else.
Buzz, buzz, my phone vibrated on the table. I took a deep breath and picked it up. It was a simple text that read:not tonight.I didn’t need any more words than that for my heart to sink deep into my stomach, causing the sickness to stir. I knew whatnot tonightmeant. It meant not tonight, not tomorrow, not next week, not again. Sometimes fewer words say a lot more. My heart knew he wasn’t capable of an explanation because I don’t believe he fully understood his own decisions himself. But that doesn’t mean that I didn’t long for one. I pondered whether I should reply. Part of me wanted to feed him with an emotional ramble, the other wanted to pick up the phone and call him and rehearse the questions I had played in my head way too many times that week. But my heart knew at the end of the day, I wasn’t going to get what I wanted. If he didn’t understand his own heart, he didn’t have the capabilities to give it to another. Questioning what we were further than that seemed unnecessary and would maybe cause me more hurt. I just replied with nothing more but anOkay.He left the message unread.
The next morning, I awoke from a long sleep. I slipped into a maxi dress and lightly combed my hair. I left the house barefoot, walking to the small lake that was at the end of my street. I lay on the grass by the water, watching the birds fly above me and the clouds slowly move. I closed my eyes and breathed slowly into the new morning. The new energy of me. I thought about Lucas. I knew deep down there wasn’t anything I could do to change a man’s decisions. And to be honest, I didn’t want to. I wanted to be chosen. Not rejected and then regretted.
I lay by the lake for hours, letting the wave of emotional thoughts flow, but they didn’t drown me. I sat with them, letting them wash over me until my mind felt empty and there was nothing left to feel. I didn’t know what time it was; I wasn’t bothered by who saw me, or the people walking around me.
When the tide of emotions stopped, I continued to lay still. Bringing my hands to my chest I held my aching heart.
I thought about him. A creative soul will provide you constant newness. Not in an erratic way. But as a dreamer, an explorer, a thinker. What a beautiful gift, to have loved a creative soul. Lucas always mesmerised me with his lips. He kept me guessing. Always keeping me wondering about the next word that would come from his mouth. Would it be profound thought, a deep question, a random fact, a worldly learning, or a wild galactic dream? I hung on every word, waiting to be infused with his creativity. He fuelled my hunger for wonder. Like his eyes, voice and mind created nothing but beautiful art.
I knew the trade-off for a creative, I knew his wonderous mind was fuelled by troubles. I knew he could feel and express, but he had to keep everyone at arm’s length. I could feel the depth of Lucas’s emotions when I was around him. I could see it in his eyes, but his words never seemed to match up. What he really wanted to say was buried deep down in his body and sometimes spilled out within his music.
I loved Lucas’s creative soul, maybe I was drawn in by his initial openness, the quirks, the mystery. There was something about a man who can create art that makes others feel and move in a way that they may never have before. To do that, he must have experienced it himself. I wish I knew what it was, that made him be able to create so impactfully on such a large scale. Yet in the intimate moments with another, he hid his own heart away.
I believe a creative’s heart is undeniably strong. Deep. Once it’s been able to be held lovingly by themselves, it can be given loyally to the beholder. Lucas hadn’t opened his own heart to himself yet. But once he was able to, I know he could give it to someone to cherish and nurture forever. I hoped that someone would never tame him, keep him wild. Be the muse, light his fire. Set ablaze to his passion and let their love become the art. That is the only way to become forever with someone like him. I thought I could be that for him. Maybe I could, or maybe we were a fantasy connection.
Meeting on crazy highs, our lust was like running on clouds, a beautiful dream where we were bound to fall. It fucking hurt, it broke my heart open. To not have a spoken meaning behind the end, to not have closure. But I was used to people leaving without closure. Day by day as time slid away, I knew the feeling would fade. I knew that nothing was forever, I knew that all too well.
Chapter 9 — Him
Emma and I sat at my balcony dining table surrounded by empty plates from dinner, staring out into nothing. The dark night’s view around my house was vaguely lit by the outdoor lights.
‘I like being here,’ she said. When she spoke, I internally agreed with her. I really enjoyed her company as well. I liked having her at my place, it gave me some sort of balance in my life, having a regular meeting. I don’t think I’d ever had something so constant. I had girlfriends in the past. But I guess I’d moved too quickly with them. They were always traveling with me. I was one who would fall into something quick. Something a little manic. This routine that Em and I had found ourselves in was something a little different than I was used to. And she, well, she was something I couldn’t explain, someone I loved to be around, I learned from, I, I felt the best of my whole life being around her. And that in itself, was what scared the hell out of me, every single time I opened my door to her.
‘It’s fun having you here,’ I said. I watched her body tense, and her face ever so slightly cringe.
‘Yeah… fun…’ She turned from the half-lit view to stare right at me and I could see the disappointment lingering behind her hazel eyes. The daily sparkle I mesmerized myself in was fading.
I leaned into her chair, placing one of my hands on her knees, and kissed her cheek. Smiling at her, trying to bring a little of her sparkle back. I felt her shoulders creep up further towards her ears as she placed her mug down on the table and wrapped her arms around her body, hugging herself. She smiled at me, but I knew it wasn’t real. Her eyes changed from disappointment to longing. It was crazy to watch that look in her eye change. To know that you have the capability to hurt someone, but to also know that someone actually wants you. She didn’t want anything from me, other than me. And for some reason, that scared the fuck out of me.
Her eyes spoke with love and with a yearning for that love to be returned. I knew this look; I had been looked at like this a lot. But it usually came in VIP tents from people who had paid a lot of money to see me. They looked at me like this because of what I created and the hype around who I was, which made them think that they wanted to be a part of my world.
Emma turned her gaze towards the distance, but her eyes where fixated on the thoughts that were rolling around in her mind. She turned to me. ‘So, I guess that’s what this is… just fun?’ she said bluntly, trying to keep her emotions hidden.
I knew it was a dick move, but I avoided her question. ‘Are you not having fun?’
Her body slumped into her seat and her voice softened. ‘I am having fun. I enjoy spending time with you. I just, I guess I need to know where I stand. I’m okay if this is just fun,’ she said, gazing out into the distance, ‘but I do deserve to know how you feel about me.’
