I kept staring at the text message on my phone and started typing…hey, I…I backspaced every word and lay down on my bed. I had no idea what to say. I didn’t mean to be a fuck boy. She was great. As great as one could be. Maybe I shouldn’t have let her in. I should have known I would just hurt her. I should have known my heart wasn’t capable of much more. Part of me wanted to hug her, tell her that she will be loved. The right person will show up. I did want to be that for her. But I had no idea how. I was selfish, I had no idea how to live for anyone else but me, and even though I was supposedly ‘living for me’, I wasn’t really doing that at all. I was living for the expectations of other people. For the eyes of love in VIP and not knowing how to accept who I was and what was in front of me.
All I replied with wasnot tonight.
Chapter 10 — Her
It was ten p.m. and dark on the beach. I was exhausted. We had spent the day celebrating Abbie’s birthday, a work friend I had met six months ago after moving to a new town, two hours from Shelly Bay. Abbie had been so great to me, introducing me to friends, showing me around the gorgeous seaside town. Abbie was a marketing manager at a creative agency I scored a job as their graphic designer after heading along to Jess’s Creative Collab’s night. I missed Jess; I must give her a call in the morning.
‘Em, do you want a drink?’ Rowan, one of Abbie’s long-time childhood friends, called out to me as he was standing over the esky.
‘Um, maybe just one more,’ I said.
‘One? It’s only early! We’ve got heaps left!’ I shrugged; I didn’t want to have a big night. I just smiled and took the can from his hand as he came over and sat with the rest of us. We were sitting at a bonfire on my favourite beach on the coast. I loved it here, it was only ten minutes from my new place, and it felt like, maybe home. I took a sip from the can, taking a deep breath and looking around at all the people I was surrounded by. I can’t believe I was here; I was so happy. To have found my crew, my place, my home. It felt like a perfect balance for my loving Libra soul. I stared into the bonfire smiling and I let out a small giggle, laughing about all the thoughts in my mind, how lucky I was to get here, life felt like nothing but divine synchronicities since I finally left home. The years felt nothing but a whirlwind, of fun, adventure, I was painting and drawing more than ever before, inspired by every day and every day felt one step closer to the ultimate dream of enough paintings to fill a gallery. Abbie sat next to me, wrapping her arms around me.
‘What are you laughing about, girl?’ She looked at me, smiling but wondering as we sat around the fire.
‘Just, life,’ I said.
‘Oh yeah?’ she said, waiting for me to expand on what was going on in my head.
‘Birthdays are a good feeling, hey?’ I said.
‘They sure are. I love a day where all the attention is on me. There are so many gifts and a reason to get everyone together, also a reason to drink,’ she said raising her can of premixed vodka and taking another sip.
‘Of course, but don’t you also feel like it’s your own personal new year? A fresh start. Another year to make new goals but also to appreciate everything that happened in the previous one?’ I asked.
‘Absolutely,’ she said, ‘You’re so right. It’s like a new chapter. I spent my morning journaling about all the new things I want to bring into this new year of my life. I can’t tell you yet. But they are going to be so great,’ she said. Her smile glowed against the fire and her dimples gleamed as she drifted off, thinking about her new dreams and goals. ‘But none of that explains what you were laughing about?’ she questioned.
‘I was just laughing about how happy I am to be here. You know those moments that just take you back on all the little things that got you to where you are today,’ I said.
‘I know the exact feeling,’ Abbie said, smiling, ‘it’s like a moment of pure contentment, to be so happy with exactly where you are.’ Abbie was wise for someone so young. In fact, most of my friendship group was. I had seemed to attract a lot of great people around me lately. That was another thing that I was super grateful for. ‘So, tell me, what are you loving in your life right now? What is making you feel so aligned?’ she asked. I watched a couple of eyes over the other side of the campfire, start to listen in.
‘I’m loving my job. It’s infused my creativity and really made me step into my own and think further about what I want to personally create, I’m loving my place. I finally feel like I have my own space, decorated for me. It feels like home. And all of you guys, it’s so amazing to be surrounded by such a great group of people. Right now, I’m just so happy. It’s a real breath of fresh air.’ I sighed, smiling.
‘I am so happy for you girl,’ she said, squeezing me tight, ‘and you should be so incredibly proud of yourself. Own it,’ said Abbie. ‘I guess all you have to do now is find your man?’ I laughed and rolled my eyes at Abbie’s comment, that was something that Abbie wanted to me to find happiness in, mostly because she was so in love with Brayden, the two of them couldn’t keep their hands off each other. But for me, I was fine, right now I didn’t need anyone coming in to mess anything up for me. I took another sip from my drink, gazing out to the dark beach, and the white tips of the waves as they met the beach.
‘One day,’ I said, resting my head on her shoulder.
‘Oh also, I forgot to tell you. I want to show some of your paintings to a friend of mine. He is up from Sydney next week and he owns a couple of local galleries and even bigger ones in the city. I think he is really going to like your stuff!’ she said.
‘Really?’ I said, a little too excited, by heart began to beat through my chest.
‘Yeah, I’ll organise a time for him to come and see some of your pieces, he might give you some space in a couple. I’ll chat to you more about it at work on Monday anyway,’ said Abbie.
‘Abbie, that’s incredible, thank you so much!’ I couldn’t believe it; this was an incredible opportunity. I had only shown Abbie some of my paintings a week before.
‘No guarantees so don’t thank me yet,’ she said.
I couldn’t stop smiling, I hugged and squeezed her tight, staring back at the bonfire and sipping on my drink. Wow, life really did feel surreal to me right now. Everything really was aligning. As soon as I swallowed my nerves and shared what I really wanted to do, it felt as though the world was giving me opportunities one by one to really step in and create. Sometimes I almost felt too lucky.
‘Hey, Abs,’ I said, sitting up straight and taking a final sip of my can. I was starting to feel the effects of the whole afternoons drinking session. ‘Thanks so much for today, it’s been great. I hope you’ve had a wonderful birthday. But I think I’m going to sneak off and call it a night.’
She smiled. ‘Of course. Thanks for coming. I’ll let everyone know you’ve left later.’ She said, understanding what I was talking about when it came to ‘sneaking off’. I didn’t want to argue with anyone’sdon’t go yet… stay…‘Are you sure you’re right to walk home by yourself?’ she asked.
‘It’s fine, I’m so close to here,’ I said, I hugged Abbie goodbye and walked off the beach towards the footpath while everyone else wasn’t looking and too engrossed in their own conversations to notice me leave. I found a small tap near the footpath that I placed my feet under, cleaning off the sand and then slipping on my black flats. I shook my denim jacket out in the wind and placed it over the shoulders of my red dress as I began my walk home. I walked past the car park. It only had three empty cars parked; it almost felt a little eerie. On a Saturday night, the car park was usually full of cars left behind by drivers that had too much to drink and couldn’t drive home from the RSL across the street.
I pulled my jacket sleaves through my arms and walked a little faster. Maybe you’ve just had too much to drink, I thought to myself, don’t freak out. You’re fine. You’re only minutes away from your warm bed. As I approached one of the parked cars, I saw the silhouette of a person sitting at a picnic table bench opposite where the dark car was parked. I sped up even more, I was on a mission, looking straight ahead. I picked my phone up and held it against my ear to pretend I was on the phone.
There were plenty of streetlights around and my friends were only minutes away, but I didn’t feel like even politely chatting to a stranger in my half-drunk state. I just wanted to get home. As I approached the stranger, our eyes locked. My body froze. Coming to a halt, my hand dropped limply by the side of my body, dropping my phone, making it obvious I wasn’t on it.
