A lighter dinner came and went with fresh veggies and microwave dinners, although Giselle was still so stuffed from our late lunch that she only had one of her Ensures. Before I knew it, Veronica was fighting sleep again, and even Benny was nodding off.
It was time to put them to bed.
And for the first time since the start of the month, it was me who tucked them in, me who sang to Veronica, me who read to Benny until he was asleep. Benny and I had a lot we needed to talk about, but I wanted to give him time to process.
I’d dropped the ball in a lot of ways, but I was committed to doing better. Sure, there would be pitfalls, and progression wasn’t linear. Sometimes I’d fall back, or make mistakes. But the important thing was that I would always get back up and do my best.
Then, with those two safe within the hands of the Sandman, I returned downstairs to Giselle.
She was standing in my living room, looking at the pictures of my children on the wall. I could smell a complex mix of emotions coming from her, with a heady layer of exhaustion permeating all of it.
“They go down easy?” she asked, turning to face me.
“Yeah. It’s been an intense day.”
She nodded, her eyes sliding in every direction, which told me she didn’t quite know what to say. “Well, if they’re steady, I guess I’ll head out.”
I moved without thinking it through, and the next thing I knew, I was pulling her into a hug. When I was embracing her, I felt anchored, like she was a rock to hold me steady in the storm that was my life.
“Could you stay?” I asked, knowing I had no right to request that.
But as always, she looked at me with more benevolence than I deserved. “Yeah, I can do that.”
TWENTY-FOUR
GISELLE
Fear Response
I was in bed with Ben, which was the last place I’d expected to be. And yet it felt exactly where I was always meant to end up, with his head resting on my chest and my hand in his hair.
The day had gone better than I ever could have hoped for. I had hoped he’d agree to go with us to his pack’s graves, but I wouldn’t have forced him to go. It was a choice he’d have to make on his own.
I was so incredibly proud of him. I was under no misconceptions that anything about the day was easy for him, but it had been beautiful.
More than once tears came to my eyes, but I’d managed not to burst out into sobs. While I wanted to empathize with the three, to share their pain, I couldn’t let myself get swept up in the deluge of grief. I would have my time later, but I needed to be the support Ben needed.
That was how relationships worked. Not fifty-fifty, not one hundred and zero, but sixty-forty with both parties trying to bethe sixty. We would cover for each other, help each other, and hold each other.
“You okay?” I murmured, idly stroking Ben’s hair. I took immense comfort in how steady his breathing was—not even a hint of a panic attack.
“As okay as I can be, I suppose.”
That was fair. It would have been strange if he was hunky-dory—sociopathic even.
“I’m really proud of what you did today, I hope you know that.”
He was quiet, but in our short time together I’d learned it was him thinking, not shutting me out. So, I closed my eyes and felt his heart beating against my side until he was ready.
“I think I’m falling in love with you,” he said eventually, and holy hell, it sounded like each word had a tangible weight to it. I could feel the effort it took for him to verbalize that, and now it was my turn to be quiet.
But that was okay, because just like how I understood him, he understood me. Give and take, ebb and flow. We were like the ocean and the shore, meant to be together, but shifting tides were only natural.
“I’m falling in love with you too.” There was no need for an “I think” qualifier on my part, because I knew with absolute certainty that my feelings for Ben went far beyond a crush. Far beyond mere attraction.
“You are?” Ben asked.
That such a strong, guarded man could trust me and be so vulnerable in my presence made me feel quite special.
