“I am,” I answered truthfully. After all, I had promised myself I would never lie to him again. “Is that okay?” I wasn’t about to apologize for how I felt, but I did want to know what Ben thought of it, and how it made him feel.
“It is,” he answered slowly, and I could sense that it wasn’t the end of his thought. “But…”
“But?”
“It scares me. And then I feel like shit for being scared. Because if I’m falling in love, none of that should be affecting me. If I’m truly lucky enough to have found a soulmate for a second time, why am I so terrified?”
Oh, Ben, my darling, darling Ben. He really didn’t cut himself enough slack. But that was okay. I was happy to be there to remind him to give himself the same grace that he gave others until it became a habit.
“Just because we’re falling in love doesn’t mean it automatically makes everything perfect and all rosy. There are going to be bumps and bruises. Times when you have doubts, times when you’re scared. That doesn’t mean your love for me is any less real.”
“I’m trying to see it that way, I really am. But sometimes, the fear gets so loud that I don’t know what to do.”
I squeezed him a bit tighter, wanting to reassure him. I wanted the hug to tell him how much I understood. “That’s okay,” I assured him with all my heart. My mind flashed back to the conversation that had started this all, when little Benny was up against the impossible monster of night terrors that haunted both him and his dad. “When that happens, you just do it scared.”
It had been a long, long road, but somehow, we’d finally reached the end of the school year. It wasn’t an easy journey, but after the visit to the graves, there had been a marked improvement.
There were still pitfalls, of course, which was to be expected, since life liked sweeping the legs out from under a person at random intervals, but the general trajectory for our little cluster was a net positive.
Ben and Benny had been seeing a shifter therapist Natalie had found. I was pretty sure she was going as well, but she didn’t directly disclose it. With Natalie, I’d learned that if she didn’t say something outright, she had her reasons for it, and privacy was one of those reasons. I got it. Natalie had been through a lot between her herd trying to force her into a marriage she didn’t want just so she could pop out babies and increase their numbers, them rejecting her sister because she couldn’t have babies, then losing that sister in an insanely violent act while she herself was traveling. I tried to be there for her in any way she needed, but I respected that she wanted and needed more space than the rest of the Poynter family.
As a result of the therapy, my boys were having way fewer night terrors and panic attacks, and they were able to talk about what had happened more often. Not that we were talking about it over coffee or at meals, but now that it wasn’t such a taboo subject, they could tell me stories about the people they loved, who were no longer with us. It was a slow transition, but it began to feel less like their memories were haunted by phantoms, and more like they were blessed with visits from those who had passed on.
I was also improving. I gained two pounds and had started taking a collagen supplement for my hair. Whether it worked or not might have been a bit of a placebo effect, but I didn’t care. It was nice to do something for aesthetic reasons and simple self-care rather than it being a life-saving medication.
But it was more than vitamins and the like. I was genuinely more confident in myself. I still loved my wigs and wore them often, but I didn’t feel like Ihadto. If I was running late forwork because I’d caught a few extra Zs, I didn’t crash out at the thought of being seen asme.After all, if Ben could look at me like I was a goddess gracing his presence, maybe I could see myself a little nicer too.
Although it was such a small thing compared to pack massacres and healing deep traumas, my class excelled in all their evaluations. Every single one of them showed a marked improvement, and no one was held back. I was proud of each and every one of them. I had established a really great method for setting my students up for success for the rest of their academic careers, and I couldn’t wait to improve on it the next year.
I was going to miss my class terribly.
That was the one big downside of being a teacher. You spent nine months getting to know and nurture little souls who had their entire lives ahead of them, getting invested in their hearts, their successes, rooting for them every chance you got, and in the end, you had to let them go.
Some of them would stay in touch, and all of them would check in throughout primary school, saying hi at recess or lunch, but the grand majority of them would never speak to me again once they hit high school. And although it was a bit crushing, a bit isolating, I was incredibly proud of being their teacher.
Despite all the successes in my personal and professional life, it was hard not to have little dips of melancholy as the end of the year approached. Sure, the pizza parties helped, as did the ice cream socials, the end-of-year field day, and spending the last week of school introducing students to reruns of Bill Nye the Science Guy and MythBusters, but it didn’t take away the ache in my heart.
Ben noticed, of course. Ever since he’d shut me out, he made a concerted effort to never do that again. Even when he had his slumps, he would text me a warning that he was struggling andmight not be as communicative for the next couple of days. He always followed it up by saying he’d made an appointment with his therapist, or that he was going to visit the tree grove.
That’s what we’ve taken to calling it instead of their graves. It was a far-fitting term. Because yes, while the remains of their shattered pack were resting in the ground there, there was also life there. Love and respect displayed itself in growing spreads of verdant green, lush emeralds, and even crimson with some leaves on the maple. I could see us visiting it more often, leaving flowers, and Ben telling more stories. Not a chain to the past, but a glowing, heartfelt connection.
Like it was always supposed to be.
“One more hug before you go?” Benny asked, gently grasping the sleeve of my sun-protection shirt.
“How could I say no to you?” I answered, bending to wrap my arms around him.
Although Benny had always been quite affectionate with me ever since I started seeing his father, I had noticed he was becoming more and more comfortable with physical touch as he continued his one-on-one therapy, after-school art programs, and the once-a-month family counseling. We’d gone from high fives and pats on the head to the occasional side hug, now to full embraces when we were coming and going.
I loved it. And knowing I would be seeing Benny in my day-to-day life made saying goodbye to my students easier.
“Hug!” Veronica demanded next, fully enunciating the ‘G’. Although she had far fewer emotional wounds than the rest of her family, there was a lightness to her now that hadn’t been there before. She had graduated from biweekly speech therapy sessions to monthly check-ins with homework assignments for Ben, Natalie, and now me to go over with her. I was seeing more and more of her personality shine through every day, and the girl was going to be a firecracker.
“Of course you get a hug, sweetheart,” I said, picking her up. Unfortunately, if she kept growing how she was, I soon wouldn’t be able to. But, the Poynters and Natalie weren’t the only ones who were working on themselves.
I was still going to therapy, but I’d also started going to the gym twice a week when I could. I wasn’t able to maintain the schedule as I wanted during the school year, but now that it was summer, I was dead-set on establishing a rhythm. Even though I would never become a bodybuilder, or a fitspo Instagram model, I was determined to increase my strength and stamina. I did my little circuits with two-pound dumbbells or resistance bands, then rode a bike or used an elliptical to go easy on my joints. Although I’d only been at it for about six weeks, I was already seeing some changes.
And Ben was with me every step of the way. He’d clap when I flexed my non-existent biceps at him, then let me feel his as a reward. Did I mention Ireallyliked his biceps? They were nearly the size of my head, and it took two hands to get around them. I knew he could smell just how excited they made me, but I was long past being embarrassed about it.
