A pine for Ranata Goldstien. I’d found her in the garage too.
Stephani Sui, a red maple. Found her in the schoolhouse.
Americana Dimaccio, an American Beech, of course.
One by one, I mentally went through them until I landed on the one that was farthest away. Although all the trees were less than two years old, this one was larger than all the rest.
A weeping willow, barely a fraction of what it would grow to be, but that was where I buried all the pieces of my people that I couldn’t match up or identify. It had been a heartbreaking, gruesome process that was seared into every inch of my memory, but I had wrapped every bit in silk and read them theirlast blessings as their alpha. Although I had failed them in life, I wouldn’t in the hereafter, so I made sure I sent them on their way with all the guidance and respect they deserved.
So much pain and terror on one plot of land, but at the same time… there was growth. Undeniable growth. And green. Where there once was only pain, now there was something entirely new.
“Hi, Mommy,” Benny said, the first to speak. He let go of my hand and took a step forward, then did something I hardly dared to imagine when I’d planted it.
He sat under it, looking up at the thin, tender branches.
“A lot has happened since I saw you last. Veronica is talking now! I protected her, just like you asked.”
I stifled my sobs, touched down to the deepest parts of my heart as my only son said everything he needed to say. I’d had no idea that he’d been bottling up so many thoughts, and while guilt clawed at me for it, I was also relieved that he was finally expressing them.
In an effort to let him heal from the unimaginable things he had survived, I had cut him off from so much of what he needed to move past it. That was my mistake, but I was going to learn.
Veronica cooed slightly as Giselle bounced her. When Benny was finished, he twisted and held his hand out to me.
“Daddy, will you come tell us a story about our moms?” he asked, looking up at me with bright, shining eyes that reminded me so much of his mother.
“Of course, buddy.” I joined him, even though it felt like I was half-outside my own body. After I’d settled on the grass next to him, Giselle handed Veronica to me, and I set my daughter in my lap. Giselle took a couple of steps back, but I caught the hem of her dress.
“Where ya headed to?” I tried to ask lightly, but with everything my throat had been through, I didn’t think I pulled it off that well.
“Just going to give you some privacy,” she said, her expression still so sweet. I would always be in awe of how kind she was. “I promise I’ll be close by.”
I let go of the hem of her dress to pat the ground behind us. “Please, sit with us.”
Her eyebrows rose, and her lips fell open in an O. “Are you sure?”
I nodded and put as much sincerity into my voice as I could muster. “I am. No matter what happens, you’re family now.”
I didn’t quite have words for the expression that crossed those beautiful features of hers, yet I knew exactly what they were conveying.
“Thank you,” she murmured, slowly sitting down next to us, then reached over and rested her hand on my thigh.
Taking a deep breath, I cleared my mind and looked at the vibrant yet small leaves of my people’s trees. “Did I ever tell you how your mother and I first found out we were pregnant?”
We stayed until my voice went hoarse, and the kids’ stomachs began to rumble with hunger. Surprisingly, the mood wasn’t grim, or even particularly dire. There was an ache there, of course, but I’d finally found that joy so many people said would eventually come when remembering those we loved.
It was the first time I could recall Millia and smile. I could feel a bit of mirth as I recalled our various escapades and foibles. I wasn’t the same man who had been married to her, but I wasn’tnothim either.
Like everything, it was complicated.
When we all eventually piled into the car, I drove us to my kids’ favorite pizza place and ordered everything they wanted.While food couldn’t solve all their issues—nor should it—I figured we deserved it after the day we had.
By the time we got home, Veronica was hankering for her afternoon nap and even Benny seemed a bit worn. Unsurprisingly, it was Giselle who steered us again, suggesting we watch a movie together.
The four of us sat on the couch together—me in the middle with Veronica sleeping half on me and half on Giselle, while Benny leaned up against my thigh. Then, when Veronica woke up, I put her on the floor and we all played together.
Like a real family.
I was still so raw inside, like I’d broken all my bones and was only just healing from the fractures, but as we sat there, I had hope that Iwouldrecover. There was a whole lot of work in store for me, but it was doable.
