Jordan didn’t shut me down when I floated him getting a job here and staying.
Depending on the outcome of my talk with Elliot, I want to ask Jordan to move from the hotel and stay with me. The hotel room’s paid for, regardless. That way, if it doesn’t work out, he can return there.
Or, if it does…
Maybe he won’t return to Tallahassee.
Jordan might be young and inexperienced, but I’ve noticed he has absolutely no trouble speaking his mind. If he wasn’t interested in me, he would’ve said so. Especially when I told him about my requirement regarding secrecy.
So…yeah. The main reason I wanted to meet Jordan at his hotel is because, either way, I’d want him there if I have to break it to him Elliot’s dropped the boom on us, and we’re over, or in case Jordan says yes to my request to live with me, then I want to help him pack and move his stuff to my apartment.
Most of the staff has left for the day when I walk in and find Elliot alone in his office. So I shut and lock the door behind me.
He’s wearing his glasses but when I hold up my hand, he makes no move to take them off and slither out of his chair like he usually does.
Before.
I think of my life now in terms of before Jordan and after Jordan.
This conversation is going to suck on numerous levels, but I won’t lie to Elliot or hide what I’m doing.
“We need to talk, El.” I grab one of the chairs and pull it over beside his desk.
He tenses and turns his chair to face me, his elbows on his knees, hands clasped, head bowed. He nods but doesn’t speak.
He knows. I can tell he does, and not just because I didn’t call him pet. This conversation needs to happen in a mode of us as close to equals as possible.
“Are you going to spend your life denying yourself?” He flinches, as if my words struck him, but he doesn’t reply. “Are you ever going to stop being afraid and at the very least admit you want me?”
“Idowant you, Sir.” I barely recognize his low, anguished tone. “I said you could date other people—”
“And you sure as fuck don’t seem to be handling it well. For the record, it’s not people, it’s only Jordan. If you want me to stop seeing him,tellme. This is your chance toaskme to stop seeing him.”
Although I’m…torn. Part of me doesn’t want to stop seeing Jordan.
A pretty damned big part.
Surprisingly big, now that I’m actually paying attention and taking emotional inventory.
He draws in a deep, shuddering breath. “It wouldn’t be fair of me to ask you to do that.”
“Fuck fair, El. Tell me you still love me. Tell me you stillwantme. Tell me you’re scared, but you will at least commit to me and let me spend more time with you. Even if what we have has to stay in the shadows. Fine, but let me spend nights with you. Not even every night. I promise you that the Secret Service won’t tell anyone. Tell me not to take things farther with Jordan, and I won’t.”
“I…I’m not ready. You…you need someone in your life. You deserve to have someone.” His eyes drop closed. I know he’s struggling not to cry and it’s gutting me.
I somehow strangle the bitterness threatening to swamp me and make me say something I can’t take back.
“Is that your final answer?”
He slowly nods.
Fuck. He’s called my bluff. I was dead-certain my territorial pet was going to beg me not to do this. Then, when Jordan’s time was up, I could bid him a sad good-bye but know that at least I had Elliot’s commitment to keep me centered and hopeful.
A painful, shuddering sigh escapes him. “Are you sleeping with him?”
I don’t want to answer, despite this being the point of this whole difficult conversation, because I know it’ll hurt him.
Except I swore I’d never lie to him. I’m not about to start now. Not about this, at least.
