“Yeah. He spent Saturday and Sunday nights with me.” I owe him the whole story. “It wasn’t going to happen. The plan was to wait until Shae was sworn in, but we were at that club where the shooting happened Saturday night. Everyone stampeded, including us. When we returned to my place…” I watch his face. “He started it, and I didn’t stop him. I let it happen. After the shooting, I think we were both…emotionally raw.”
His gaze drops to his hands again, where he’s working his fingers together. It’s a nervous habit he has when he’s stressed and struggling.
“I’m going to ask him to move in with me on a trial basis. He still has the hotel room, so that way, if it doesn’t work out, I can send him back there.”
That makes him look up. His eyes widen. “But he’s returning to Florida after the inauguration.”
I slowly nod. “Maybe he is, maybe he’s not. If he was to get a decent job offer here, he might be persuaded to stay.”
He studies me for a moment. “In the administration. East Wing.” It’s not a question.
No, I haven’t confirmed that with Chris, but I know he could easily find someplace for Jordan to work.
Agitated, Elliot’s fingers squirm and twist together and I know he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it. I lay my hands over his and gently squeeze, holding them still.
“I love you, El, and I’m not going anywhere. I’m still yours, if you want me.”
It’s killing me this is killing him, but actions have consequences. In this case, for both of us. Insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result.
It’s time to stop the insanity.
“Elliot.” I wait until he finally looks at me again. “Ask me not to.Tellme not to. Fucking beg me to stop, and I will. All you have to do is ask. That’s all you’ve ever had to do is ask.Please.”
“I can’t.” Tears well in his eyes again.
“Youcan, pet!” Dammit, I didn’t want to go there until we’d resolved this, but it doesn’t feel right calling him anything but pet.
Anything butmine.
He slowly shakes his head, tears rolling down his cheeks. “You’ve waited for me foryears. I cannot in good conscience ask you to wait another eight or maybe sixteen years. I can’t, Master.”
I release his hands and cup his face. “You fuckingcan! I’ll do it if you ask me!”
“I know.” He sniffles. “That’swhyI can’t. Because Iknowyou will, and it’s not fair to you.”
“I get to decide what’s fair or not for me. That’s not your call.”
“Itcan’tbe your call, Leo. Because you’ll never do what’s best for you. You’ll always default to what’s best for me, even if it kills you in the process. And it’s been killing you. You’ve looked happier these past couple of weeks than I’ve seen you look inyears.”
Stunned, I stare into his eyes. This is truly the first time he’s ever given cogent voice to such a pointed but silent fact between us. It’s something I’ve batted around in my mind longer than I’d like to admit.
It was also one of those things I swore I’d never say to him. One of those deeply wounding, borderline lethal emotional weapons I promised myself would forever remain sheathed and locked away.
I’m torn between feeling proud as hell of him for the rare insight, and angry he’s still defaulting to fear.
“You don’t think I see you watching me sometimes, at events?” he says. “Or see you slip into the gallery at the House and watch me when I’m on the floor? I know there are plenty of times I haven’t seen you, but I swear I feel you there, and I feel so damned loved, Leo. I love knowing you’re probably there watching me. And I feel like shit that I can’t be that for you, too. Because you deserve to have someone who can watch you the way you watch me.
“No, I don’t want to break up with you,” he softly continues. “It’s obvious that Shae, Chris, and Kev make it work. I know I’m stressed right now. I know I’m scared about what happens next, and that I fucked up by accepting the nom and running with her because maybe I’m the last person who should be here.”
He blinks back more tears. “I also know you’ve never lied to me. You say you won’t walk away from me, even if you have Jordan, so I have to trust you mean it.” Another sniffle. “If you mean it, Master, that we’ll eventually try to make this a triad, then yes. Iwantyou to see Jordan. Because I know having me as a pet is a lot of work for very little reward, and you deserve to have someone who isn’t afraid to be out. There’s not a lot I can give you right now. That’s something Icanoffer you and hope it’s enough to keep us together.”
I honestly don’t have a reply to any of that. Instead, I kiss him. I slant my lips over his and remind him that from the night we met, he and I were perfection. That from our first night together, I knew he was supposed to bemine.
That I fell in love with him that first weekend, and I’ll never walk away from him unless he tells me to.
“I swear to you, pet, you’re mine.” Dammit, I’m blinking back tears now, too. “He doesn’t know it’s you, but he thinks you’re hot. That’s something, right?”
He nods a little. “I guess.”
