Noah had been right and my night terrors did return due to my emotional upheaval, but I was starting to recover faster and they weren’t as intense as they were before I started treatment. Of course, having Charlie right there helped me out more than anything. There was something so relaxing about petting him while I labored to get my breathing under control. I reached over and gave his ears a thankful scratch in the passenger seat and he gave me a doggy grin in return.
I spent more time reading Big Jack’s journal entries and learned about how his relationship with Jeremiah developed. I was grateful that granddad didn’t go into great details about the physical part of their relationship – there were some things a guy didn’t need to know – but, at the same time it was bittersweet to read about their secret dates, stolen kisses, and rare weekends off when they could camp, fish, and hike.
It was wonderful to read my granddad’s words about finding love with his soul mate, but sad that they couldn’t be open and honest about who they were and who they loved. I knew that feeling all too well, but like granddad said in his letter to me, times had changed drastically since the 40’s and people were more accepting. I just hoped I would be saying the same thing about my own family and friends once I left the cabin the following day.
I didn’t want to suppress my feelings for Liam. I wanted to give in to my feelings and see where it took me. I suspected it would take me to the happiest days of my life, because I knew in my heart that I had fallen hard for Liam Connelly. We hadn’t done anything more than talk, kiss and cuddle, but I already knew that he owned my heart. It wasn’t sudden either, it had been building up to this point from the moment I first laid eyes on him almost two years prior.
I spent a lot of time thinking about the reference Liam made about being someone’s secret in the past. I wanted so badly to ask for more details, but I knew I would just get enraged. It wasn’t fair of me to judge a situation I knew nothing about, but when it came to Liam I was finding that I wasn’t always reasonable.
I did know that Liam deserved to be loved openly and honestly; I wanted to be the man sharing his life. Today was the first step in the right direction for that kind of future. I had decided that since I had everyone gathered that I would make an announcement. I worried it might blow up in my face, but there was no better time than when they were all present in one spot. They could hear it all from me directly, instead of through the gossip vine.
A lot of my family had already gathered by the time I made it, as they all lived in West Virginia. All, except my two best friends from my Ranger unit, Garrett “Sully” Sullivan and Hunter Allen. Sully lived in Pennsylvania and Hunter lived in Ohio, but both were making the trip for the weekend to say a final goodbye to Big Jack, whom they both loved like their own. I stepped out of the Jeep and sucked the crisp, mountain air into my lungs. I loved fall in the mountains with the leaves changing colors and the tiniest bite of chill in the air. The air was always fresher and purer in the valley, but the extra nip of coolness helped me clear my head of bullshit and helped me focus. Right then, I needed all the help I could get.
Charlie climbed out of the Jeep behind me and we were swarmed by family and friends. I was hugged, kissed, and even pinched within an inch of my life. Charlie didn’t fare a whole lot better, but we survived. We gathered together for a delicious meal prepared mostly by my mom, sister, and aunts with many others contributing casserole dishes. We ate until we nearly exploded and reminisced on my granddad’s good life. I was certain that I was the only one in the room that knew that Big Jack didn’t live his life exactly the way he wanted, but I also knew he didn’t have any regrets. Had he not married Mary Lou Markum, then my dad would not be here and neither would I. Still, I found myself hoping that somehow granddad would be reunited with Jeremiah in his eternal life.
Most of my extended family lived local and went home that evening, while my parents, siblings, aunt, and best friends stayed at the cabin with me. I figured that it would be the best time to tell them the truth about me.
My dad broke out the good Irish whiskey and passed shot glasses around. We tearfully toasted my granddad with a few rounds and I started to feel a little warm from the alcohol. I decided there wasn’t going to be a better time to make my confession. I had liquid courage coursing through my veins and a captive audience. I set my shot glass on the side table beside the chair I was sitting in, stood up, and walked to the front of the great room, feeling every set of eyes on me. I turned and faced the people I loved most in the world, feeling more scared than at any other time in my life. The adrenaline rushing through my veins was similar to the way I felt before going into battle. Was my announcement going to cause as much trauma though?
“I’m in love.” Those were the words that left my mouth and not at all what I rehearsed saying to my friends and family.Love? Could I honestly say that I was in love with Liam Connelly after a few heart-to-hearts and some kisses? Yes, I could.
“Great! Who is she?” Mom asked.
“When can we meet her?” Declan’s girlfriend, Keri, asked.
Panic was starting to set in and hysteria almost had me laughing out loud at their assumptions, but why would they assume anything else? I looked around the room and cataloged the expressions my loved ones wore on their faces. It only took a few seconds, but it seemed like eternity. I saw knowing and acceptance in McKenna and her husband, Darren’s eyes. I saw confusion and a tad bit of suspicion in Sully and Hunter’s faces. Aunt Bea had a smirk on her wrinkled, ninety year old face. My mom looked up at me with a glowing smile, while my brother looked perplexed as to why I’d make such a big deal about meeting someone. Lastly, I looked into my dad’s wise eyes and saw absolutely no expression or emotion. I had never seen my dad look so emotionless and it scared me. I didn’t want to lose his love.
I took a shaky breath and recalled Big Jack’s encouraging words. I’d come that far and there was no turning back. It was time to rip off the Band Aid and start living. “I’m in love with a guy.” I didn’t take my eyes off of my dad while I spoke. The room went completely still and silent. I’d always thought the saying about being able to hear a pin drop was silly until that moment. Nothing and no one stirred, not even the air.
“Take a walk with me, son.” I thanked God Patrick Murphy still referred to me as his son.
I scanned the room once again to see how my announcement was being met. Sully and Hunter didn’t meet my eyes as I walked across the room and it felt like someone had taken a knife to my heart. My mother, bless her soul, reached out and took my hand as I approached her. She kissed the back on my hand and offered me a watery smile. Declan, Keri, McKenna, and Darren all gave me encouraging smiles. I had hope that not all would be lost.
“I knew it!” Aunt Bea’s loud exclamation bounced around the high ceiling of the great room. “That damn Stella died before she had to pay up.” Bea snorted very unlady like before adding, “I wonder if her lazy, no-good son, Carl, will pay up the twenty bucks she owes me. Doubt it.” The last part was almost mumbled under her breath.
I stopped by her chair where she sat covered in an old afghan. I leaned down and gave her a kiss on her paper-thin cheek. “I love you Aunt Bea.” She patted my hand where it rested on the arm of the chair. Granddad would’ve been so proud of his older sister for breaking the tension and creating a little humor. I heard light chuckling scattered around the room, but I didn’t look around to see who was laughing. I had to meet my maker and face the consequences of my announcement.
I fell into step beside him as we wound our way around the front of the cabin and headed in the direction of the small creek that ran through the property. Summer hadn’t quite relinquished her grasp on the days, so the sun hadn’t quite set over the trees yet.
“I convinced myself you were just looking out for him and that’s why you could never take your eyes off of him, but I should’ve recognized that look in your eyes. The good lord knows I’ve been looking at your mama the same way you look at Liam for forty years now.” Dad lets out a soft snort. “I could have done without the huge announcement in front of the entire family, my boy, but I guess you wanted to say it once and be done with it. Yes?”
“Yes, sir.” I was feeling cautiously optimistic that my dad and I were going to come out of this okay, I refused to believe differently.
“Do you feel better now that you’ve told the truth, Jack?” Dad stopped walking and I did the same. I turned to look at him and was relieved not to see disgust or hatred in his dark green eyes. “How long have you been keeping this to yourself? Have you always been into… guys?” There was a little awkward hesitation in his voice, but I was so happy that he wanted to talk.
I was more than willing, grateful even, to have this conversation with my dad, regardless of how uncomfortable it was for us both to talk about it. “I’ve known that I was attracted to guys since high school, but I never acted on it. Still haven’t,” I confessed. A few kisses with Liam wasn’t my definition of acting on it. “I know you’re probably wondering how I know what I want before I’ve even… um.” I stumbled on my words and luckily my dad took pity on me.
“That isn’t what I’m wondering at all, Jack.” My dad shook his head as if he was disappointed that I read the situation all wrong. “I didn’t need to lay with your mama to know that I loved her. I’m wondering why you felt you couldn’t tell me, your mother, your brother, and your sister the truth. What did we ever do or say to make you think we’d love you less or somehow see you differently because you loved a man?” Dad’s brows slashed to form a deep V on his forehead and the scowl extended to his eyes and the firm set of his mouth. “You’re my son, Jack,” his voice cracked, “and I love you. I will love whoever you bring home to meet our family.”
Seeing my dad so upset cut me to the quick. “I’m sorry that I disappointed you, Dad. It wasn’t anything that you or mom ever said and neither of you did anything to indicate I couldn’t be honest with you. To be perfectly honest, I convinced myself that I was happy in my denial until I met Liam.” I shrugged my shoulders and continued, “Sure I found other guys attractive and I was curious, but I was able to push aside the temptation, because my military career was more important to me at the time.” I shook my head and smiled wryly as I recalled the punch to the gut I felt the first day I met Liam, looked into his eyes, and shook his hand. “I couldn’t say I’d feel the same way if I had to choose between Liam and my career.”
“Its fate then.” Dad’s pronouncement was said with finality, as he wrapped his strong arm around my shoulders. “We better get back so your mama can slobber all over you. She might be sad if she thinks too hard about not having grandchildren from you, but she wouldn’t sacrifice your happiness to suit herself.”
“Dad, gay men get married and have families.” I smiled at him so he’d know I wasn’t mocking him. “If I choose to have kids, then I’ll adopt them or I’ll find a surrogate to carry my kids.”
“Adoption I understand,” he said, turning us around to face the house. “I’m not sure what a surrogate entails, but your mama and I will support you no matter what method you choose. You’d make one hell of a father, Jack.”
As hard as I tried when I was younger, I could never picture what my children would look like. I had been engaged to a beautiful woman and yet I still didn’t envision children and a life with her. I can’t say the same with Liam. I had no guarantee that Liam would give his heart to me to keep for eternity, but I easily pictured a future with him – if he’d have me.
