Jack followed my lead and began touching me through my shirt too. It was still pretty innocent stuff for two grown men, but it was a huge fucking turn-on. The anticipation of sliding my hands beneath the cotton of his shirt and touching his hot flesh for the first time had me shaking in his arms. It was a good thing he had me pressed so tightly to the door or I might’ve melted into a puddle of goo in his office.
I dug my fingers into the tight muscles in his back, causing Jack to tremble. Was he thinking what I was thinking? Was he wishing I was digging my nails into his bare flesh while he fucked me? If he was, then why weren’t we doing more than sharing a scorching hot kiss and some innocent petting? My hole clenched tightly in the cleft of my ass cheeks. I wanted – needed – to be filled by him.
My hands wandered upward until they were touching his smoothly-shaved scalp. The skin was as soft as it looked and my soft sigh was captured by Jack’s mouth. The feral growl vibrating in his throat told me he liked my touch so I kept it up. At least when I fantasized about Jack kneeling between my thighs again I would actually know what his skin felt like beneath my hands when I urged his mouth to swallow my cock.
Jack tightened his hold on me, as if he was trying to crawl inside my body and my brain chose to start firing thoughts and doubts that penetrated my lust. Fuck, I wished my brain would shut down and just let me enjoy the moment. If Jack wanted me as badly as I wanted him, which the erection grinding against mine said he did, then why were we in his office and not in his loft getting vertical? As badly as I wanted him, I wouldn’t go into it blindly. I had too much to lose and contrary to my dick’s wishes, I had learned from my painful lesson years ago when I was a naïve young fool who thought stolen kisses and groping meant more than just quick gratification.
I reluctantly pulled away from the kiss and looked into hooded green eyes so lost in lust that I figured a coherent conversation wouldn’t be had, but I had to try. “Talk to me, Jack. Tell me what’s going on with you. I keep getting these mixed signals and I need you to be completely honest with me about what you want and expect out of me.”
He stared at me for several long moments, as he worked to get his breathing under control. “Not here,” was all he said in rough voice, heavily laced with desire and want. “Let’s go upstairs.”
I swallowed hard, because I was weak for him. If I went upstairs with him and he wanted to have me then I’d let him. Then what? Jack saw my hesitation and read it for exactly what it was, because he gently touched my face with the back of his hand like he did the first time he touched me. Somehow his gentle touches rocked me harder that the passionate ones.
“We can just talk, Liam. Nothing physical has to happen between us. Okay?” I read the sincerity in his eyes along with the concern that I might refuse him.As if. I didn’t trust my voice so I nodded my agreement.
I helped Jack double check the locks on the doors and turn the lights off before following him up to his loft. Charlie greeted us both with a huge doggy grin and wagging tail. It was easy to see why Jack loved him so much, and I only understand a fraction of their bond.
“Would you like something to drink? I have beer, water, ginger ale,” Jack tossed over his shoulder as he walked toward the huge stainless steel refrigerator in the kitchen.
“Ginger ale sounds good.” My eyes devoured his tall body while it was turned away from me, and I didn’t bother to take my eyes off of him when he returned to the living room area where I still stood. I wanted him and I didn’t believe in subterfuge and bullshit games – another part of the painful lesson learned from my past.
Jack gestured for me to have a seat on the couch. He handed me a bottle of ginger ale and set his water on the coffee table in front in the couch. He sat beside me, but it was an awkward position to have a conversation, so I angled myself in the corner of the couch and curled my leg up beneath me so that I was facing him. Jack did the same and we just sat there staring at each for several long moments before he finally spoke.
“Today was the first day I ever admitted out loud to anyone that I am sexually attracted to men.” He expelled a shaky breath after the words left his mouth in a rush. The urge to reach out to touch and comfort him was overwhelming. I leaned over and set the ginger ale on the coffee table and took both of his hands in mine. He visibly relaxed beneath my touch and I knew it was what he had needed from me. “I’ve known that I was attracted to other guys since I was sixteen, but I was afraid to come out to my friends and family. I grew up in an Irish Catholic family and my path had been laid out for me: college or military, wife, and then a family. I tried, Liam, I really did.” I squeezed his hands to let him know I was right there with him. I wanted to crawl into his lap and hold him tight, but that would have to wait.
“The military was both a blessing and a curse for me. It kept me on the straight and narrow, because fear of getting caught made it easier for me to live in denial.” Jack lowered a wry brow and cocked his head slightly to the side and said, “I didn’t have the courage to even watch gay porn for fear of getting caught so you know I wasn’t having secret bathroom hookups at clubs.” I couldn’t image living like he did and hated that anyone felt they had to. Maybe someday people wouldn’t live in fear of rejection. “Even when DADT expired, I was too afraid to be honest about what I wanted. My career and my unit meant everything to me and I wouldn’t jeopardize either, so I kept burying my head in the sand.” My mind wanted to know where he buried his dick, but I wasn’t about to ask him that. The likelihood that Jack was still a virgin was slim to none and it didn’t really matter where he had been, but where he was right then.
“What changed?” I asked softly.
“You.” There was playful accusation in his words and a sly smile on his face.
“Me?” The incredulousness I felt leaked out into my voice.
“You.” There was no playfulness this time in his expression or his voice, only a green-eyed intensity that set my insides quaking. The urge to climb on him grew tenfold. “The temptation to know you and have you for myself is stronger than anything I have ever felt. Everyone who sees us in the same room together sees how much I want you, well everyoneexceptyou.” A sardonic smile split his face and it was getting harder and harder to sit still.
“So now what are you going to do about the situation? This leads us back to the question I asked in your office about what you want and expect from me.” My pulse was thundering in my throat and I wondered if he could see it racing from where he sat facing me. I had so many more questions I wanted to ask and maybe I’d get the chance.
“First of all, I don’texpectanything from you, Liam. I want to be strong enough to be the man who goes home and tells his family the truth and then comes home and claims you. You make me want so many things and sex is just the tip of it.”
“What things?” I had to know what he hoped to have with me.
“Breakfast in bed, a long soak in the bathtub after a long night, and the sight of you on the pillow next to mine in the morning.” I thought he was done, but I was so wrong. “I want to know your favorite movie, your favorite music, the one food you can’t live without, and I have to know the noises you make when you come for me.”
I was speechless for long enough that Jack got uncomfortable and looked to be second-guessing his honesty. “Don’t pull away,” I pleaded with him. “I… um, I’ve never had anyone say anything so beautiful to me, Jack. It shocks me that someone as stoic as you can hide such lovely words.”
“I honestly didn’t know I was capable of saying those kinds of words until now. You make me want to be brave enough to risk everything and it scares me to death, Liam.” Jack chewed his lips nervously.
If I was honest, I would say that Jack’s words scared me too. What if he upset his family and things between us didn’t work out? That was a lot of pressure on me - on us. Fear of not being accepted was something I never had to face, so I couldn’t relate to his situation, but I could definitely sympathize. I wasn’t willing to be an experiment for him though – been there and done that. He was being honest so I needed to be the same.
“Jack, I want all of those things you mentioned too, but wanting them and acting on them are two different things.” His brow furrowed and he looked like he wanted to protest, but I wasn’t going to be deterred. “I’ve been in this very same position before and it didn’t end very well for me and I’m not willing to repeat it, especially not with you. It would hurt me a lot more if you were to sample what I had to offer and then later say it wasn’t enough to take a risk on.” Fuck, I didn’t want to push my memories between us, but it was the only thing I could think of to keep me from making a fool of myself again.
“He was a fool.” Jack’s deep voice resonated with conviction and it helped to soothe the hurt I felt from drudging up painful memories. “I’m many things, Liam, but a fool isn’t one of them.” His thumbs began rubbing circles on my hands. “I’m not going to take this to a physical level until I’ve had the courage to do the right thing. I’m not willing to hurt you like he did.” Jack released one of my hands and cupped my face. I leaned into his warmth and savored the connection with him. I wanted to believe it would be different with him. “Will you just let me hold you for a while?”
I uncurled my legs and leaned into him without question. I soon found myself in his lap where I wanted to be from the moment we sat on the couch. His strong arms held me tight against his chest and I pressed my forehead to his. I wanted to kiss him, but knew if I started then I wouldn’t want to stop. It wouldn’t take much for both of us to forget the promises we just made and the words spoken. I needed this to be different so I held firm and just let the feel of his arms around me be enough.
I HAD NOTHINGto do but think for the entire four hour trip to the family cabin that I inherited from Big Jack in the wilds of West Virginia. We decided to have one last private memorial for just close friends and family at the cabin that meant so much to him.
As my tires ate up the asphalt, my mind was busy spinning out the events of the previous days. We had spent some time getting to know each other better the days following my confession, but I was very careful to keep my hands to myself. I needed Liam to know that what I was feeling was real and genuine, beyond sexual. The only way I thought to do that was by talking, texting, and spending time with him while keeping my hands and lips to myself. My need for him didn’t lessen, it only got more intense. Every day the longing and aching to have Liam grew stronger and stronger until it was almost all I could think about.
