River stares at me. “And you’d be fine with that? Never seeing her again?”
I don’t answer.
I have to go. But you don’t know anything about her life.
“And you do?” I find the words again. “What exactly do you know?”
I know she’s scared of something. She wanted to feel safe. To make her own choice. She’s never had a choice either. But she chose us. And you just ruined it for her.
River and I both stare. He recovers first. “What the fuck do you mean, she’s notsafe?”
Kai looks frustrated.Not like that. I don’t know everything. But something isn’t right. She doesn’t feel safe.
“But she wanted to go.” My chest feels heavy. “Take her home, Kai. She wants to go home.”
We have always had a different dynamic, Kai and I. More like siblings than friends, a consequence of our childhoods. Kai has always felt like my younger brother. But the disappointment in his eyes makesmefeel like a child.
He signs once more before he disappears.She wanted to stay. But you didn’t ask her to.
“You are my best friend,” River says heavily. “But your demons are drowning you, Jenson. They’re drowning all of us. And you can’t even see the life jacket in front of you.”
He stops in front of me. And his words… they’re on the verge of begging. “You’re so desperate not to behim. Be careful, Jens. Because this icy shield of yours that you put on? This refusal to care about anyone, to care if you hurt someone? That’s allher. If you’re not careful, that shield is going to become real and none of us will be on your side of it.”
The door slams shut behind him.
Within seconds, I’m emptying the contents of my stomach into the sink. When I turn, wiping my hand over my mouth, I pause.
Kai picks up his keys, shoving them into his pocket.You fixed me, you know.When you found me. Even when I didn’t want you to.
His throat bobs.
But I can’t fix you. And it’s killing me.
He’s gone before I can summon up the words to respond.
Briar
Istand on my doorstep for a long time.
I can feel Kai’s eyes on my back. He’s still parked up. Waiting, in case I turn around and go back.
He asked me to. Asked me not to go, even as I brushed him off and climbed out of the car, clutching my bag.
My heart hurts in a way I never anticipated when we first started this.
Because they matter to me. Kai. River. And – and Jenson. Jenson’s opinion of mematters.
And I hurt him. I could see it, through the mask of anger.
He let me in. Let metouchhim. And something about what I’ve done hurt him, far more deeply than I ever considered.
Maybe I’m more like my father than I ever realised, forcing my decisions on other people without any thought to their own needs.
I’m late. So, so late. I told my father I’d be back by mid-morning, and it’s well into the afternoon.
The tall clock in our hallway chimes as I push the door open. And the voice floats through the open living room door.
“In here, Briar.”
