Chapter Eight
I stared at the signup sheets in the studio but made no move to pick up the pen attached to the clipboard. I had struggled with the decision I needed to make this morning, knowing Anne would post the list for her next show. I just didn’t feel the motivation. It had been another week since Law had left and I just wasn’t feeling anything.
Since the moment Law left me last Monday, I had thought about what I wanted to do. I had wanted to get on the plane with him, but I owed my life more than that. My life including my friends, my dance, my family. They had only known me as New York, dancing, Anya. Now I was becoming someone new. I saw it, I felt it, so I knew others were seeing the change too, even if they hadn’t said anything.
I stayed in bed most days, unless Leah or Axel wanted to go out, but I didn’t feel the need to go out with them when all I saw was Axel dotting on Leah. The more I saw them together, the more it made me miss Law. I had tried to go into the studio once, but when I got to the door, all I did was turn away and go back home.
It had taken everything in me to get out of bed and drag myself here today, but I did it with the sheer knowledge that today was going to be different from each day that had passed before.
I sat my bag off to the side wall and did my drills, lazily dancing across the floor. There was no heart into it, not like I used to have. I had caught Leah’s eyes on me a few times, concern tracing her face, but I ignored it and moved on.
It was the first time I had danced since Law last left me and with each pirouette, soubresaut, and arabesque I felt more weighed down. I was questioning if that feeling I once had for dancing was even from my heart, or if it was contempt for knowing a trade well enough. Dancing was all I’d ever known, and it was something I was told over and over how amazing I was at, but now it didn’t feel like it mattered. I knew the thoughts were crazy, but as I stepped off the floor and watched as Axel and Leah started their dance, I knew it wasn’t the same.
When they finished, she came to my side, nudging me when she realized how in a daze I was. I hadn’t even realized that five hours of practice had gone by and everyone was shuffling out of the studio. It clearly wasn’t just the Monday blues bringing me down, but the Lawson blues.
We’d been texting and calling each other nonstop, but it didn’t feel like enough anymore. We still hadn’t talked about how long ‘soon’ was and my fingers were itching to touch him again. This was one of the reasons I had always stayed away from guys in my life. They were a distraction and I had told myself many times how I hadn’t wanted to be distracted from dancing, but now I was welcoming it. I was letting Law overtake every thought that raced through my mind.
Leah had had her last straw with me and snapped her fingers in front of my face to get my full attention. She stood in front of me now, caging me in the corner where we stood, arms crossed over her chest. I looked around to see that Axel had already left the studio and there were a few dancers straggling behind, but none of them paid attention to us.
“What is up with you?” she asked, exasperated. “You aren’t yourself. You haven’t been yourself.”
“I don’t know.” I threw my hands up in the air and moved her out of my way, walking away from her to grab my bag.
“I think you do. So, spill.” She followed me across the floor. “Is it Law?”
“Leah,” I warned her.
“You have to talk about it. Everyone here can see something is going on.”
I turned around and looked at Leah, whose look of worry matched mine. “Everyone?”
“Everyone,” she answered. We were now the only two in the studio.
“I don’t know if I want to dance anymore,” I spat out. My hand covered my mouth. I couldn’t believe I had just said that out loud. I had been thinking it over and over again and it wasn’t until I said it just now to Leah that I felt it. The rise and fall of my chest felt lighter and the tension I’d had in my shoulders alleviated immediately. I felt how right those words were. That there was something else in my life I was more passionate about now, that dancing could never compete with.
“Excuse me?” Leah snatched the bag out of my hand. “What did you just say?”
“I said”—I turned around—“I don’t think I want to dance anymore.”
I said it with more certainty this time. Leah squinted her eyes at me, trying to gauge just how serious I was about this. It was a standoff between us before Leah finally spoke.
“Oh.” She stalked closer to me. “I heard you just fine the first time. I just needed to hear you say it again. Are you crazy?”
“Maybe.” I shrugged and tried to reach for my bag.
“Talk to me.” Leah urged me on and lifted the bag out of reach. I stood there with hands on my hips and huffed out a deep sigh.
“I just don’t feel it anymore.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean? You don’t feel what?” Leah’s face changed from confused and angry to confused and sympathetic. I had never expected her to be able to understand, since she had someone in the ballet to be with her, but this felt different. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to dance if Law wasn’t there, but that I didn’t want to dance like this anymore. I didn’t want to show myself to the world like this, on a stage. It didn’t move me to want to better my profession or get the leads like Leah had been getting. Now it just seemed like a job to go to, not like a dream.
“It means that when Law walked out of my life last weekend I haven’t felt the same. That I have no care in the world to come to this studio and dance for someone else who isn’t him!” I shouted at Leah. My hands waved in the air as I spoke each word.
“Anya…” Leah dragged out my name in sympathy, but I didn’t want it. She just didn’t get it. No one would get it. It looked like I was throwing away this career for a man, but it wasn’t that. This was so much more. I was leaving behind a dream that had been fulfilled. A dream of dancing in ballets, that I had been doing for so many years. This was now about a new dream. A dream with a man who raced cars. A man who had his own dreams, and I just hoped I was a part of that dream.
“Don’t.” A sob broke out of me. I held a hand up in the air as Leah came in for a hug.
“What’s happening, Anya?” Leah asked, standing there with her arms outstretched toward me.
