“I don’t know.” Tears were streaming down my face now. I felt my heart breaking, not understanding what was happening. I knew all of this needed to be said, needed to be solidified, but in truth, I had no idea what to do now that I had let it out into the world. I was changing everything and yet I had no plan.
“I think I do.” A smile crossed Leah’s face, one I had no idea what it meant. “You love him, don’t you?”
I looked right into Leah’s eyes, knowing what she asked was the truth. It was the first time I was admitting it not just to someone else, but to myself. I had felt it before and thought the words, but had still never contemplated saying them out loud, but maybe this was the final step to making this new life a reality.
“I-I…” I stuttered as another sob broke out. “I do. I love him.”
My whole body raked with pain and passion all at once. This was it. There was no going back from this. I could walk back into dancing anytime I wanted, but the moment those words escaped my lips, there was no going back. There was only forward, and that forward led to Law’s arms. Leah grabbed me into her arms, holding me against her until the last of the tears fell and the pain only left me numb.
Leah pulled away from me, with both of our bags slung over her shoulder. She held me at arm’s length, looking me up and down.
“Tell me what you need.”
“I have no idea.” I shook my head, truly not knowing what to do. I knew I needed to get to Law, but I had no idea how to do that. Could I just up and leave and go to him? Could I leave my whole life behind and just move to Alabama?
“What’s that look in your eyes?” Leah asked wearily.
“What if I left?”
Leah’s eyes became as wide as saucers at my question and her hands tightened on my shoulders. “Ok, I thought you were crazy before, but now, now I think you might be on the brink of insanity.”
“You asked what I needed.” I tried to level with her. “Leah, I don’t think I can stay here any longer. I want to go to Law.”
Her face softened and I knew that look on her face. It was one that said she understood what I meant. That she knew what I felt in my heart. That no matter that she was calling me crazy, she was going to try to help me as much as possible.
“Well, you might be crazy, but you are my kind of crazy, woman.” She pulled me toward her and linked arms with me. We headed out of the studio, locking up before walking to the apartment.
We didn’t need to talk about anything tonight. It was just about us for the moment. We made dinner at home, watched a movie, but said nothing about the life I was about to change around. The life I was about to turn on its axis, just like Law had already done when he purposefully bumped into me at the coffee shop two weeks ago.
Two weeks. That’s how long it had been and right now I was talking about leaving my life in New York behind and hightailing it out of here to head toward a country man in Alabama.
I lay in bed that night, staring up at the ceiling, trying to see if there was anything in my heart that would tell me not to do this. To tell me I was as crazy as Leah had told me I was. But no. Nothing like that came to mind. All that filled my head were thoughts of Law seeing me in his hometown for the first time. Him showing me where he went to school, getting to meet his parents.
Tears trickled down from the corner of my eyes, trailing toward my ears. The silent cry wasn’t coming from my heart, but my brain. This was huge and I knew I was overthinking it, but my heart made it seem like this was something that was completely plausible for me to do. When I finally drifted off somewhere in the middle of the night, it was my heart that put me to sleep. It assured me everything would be all right if I followed it.
And for the first time in my life, I wanted to follow my heart more than logic.
-----
The subway ride to my parents’ place in Lower Manhattan wasn’t always the best. I overthought everything and once when I was coming down here I almost got off and went back home. But this time I couldn’t.
I had already gone to see Anne this morning to tell her I would be leaving and the first thing she said to me was I would always have a spot open in her company if I ever decided to come back. She hugged me and then shooed me out the door after demanding her key back. She was probably the one I dreaded to tell the most, but she was more understanding than I ever expected her to be.
That was partially the reason I was freaking out about going to see my parents. I figured the conversation with them wouldn’t be bad, but the more I thought about it, the more it felt like they were going to be the opposite of understanding. That they were the ones who were going to have so much to say about this, even though at this point in my life, they had no right to.
When I reached the front door to their home, I stood outside for a full five minutes before even knocking. I knew once my knuckles hit that dark red door, it was all over. This decision I was making to leave New York to go after Law would be true, so true, that I knew deep in my heart, whatever my parents told me today, it wouldn’t matter, but I needed to tell them. Not because they deserved to know, but because I wanted to tell them that dance wasn’t my everything anymore.
That was the scariest part for me. It was a realization that came fast, but it was one my heart knew was true. When you start searching for a man in the audience instead of making sure to keep count of your steps, something’s changed. I was just lucky enough to figure it out now, and not somewhere down the road. Somewhere when all was lost and I didn’t have the chance to call Law mine and I wasn’t ever going to let that happen.
My hand came in contact with the door and it took a few second before my father opened it, dressed from head to toe in suit with his other hand occupied by his cell phone. He was always on that thing, with being a lawyer and all. My mother didn’t have a job, just stayed at home, or went to hang out with friends. My father had always provided for her. Mariam and Jake Beck, the perfect couple. Married for thirty years.
Did I mention I was a surprise child? I wasn’t supposed to happen. They had a plan, and then here I am, just coming along, inserting myself into their perfect world. It’s why my mother paid for me to go to one of the best private schools in New York, why I was always at dance lessons or tutoring. I maybe saw my parents for dinner, but I was lucky if I got that. It had become a life I was used to. Like I said, they didn’t deserve to know that I was leaving, but they were my parents, and if I told anyone, I needed to tell them.
My father waved me inside and I was met with the familiar smell of leather and cleaner. Just because my mom didn’t have a job, didn’t mean she let someone else clean the house. She was never one to let others think she didn’t do the work to keep this masterpiece of a house clean. That’s what it was to her, though, a masterpiece. She had put in so much work over the years to make it perfect. She missed one of my recitals in high school because a new tile was being delivered that day and had to be signed for.
I made my way into the house and toward the kitchen, where I knew my mother was probably preparing lunch, which was the only reason my father was home. It had been a tradition for them since I was little. He always came home for lunch and she always cooked him something. For them, this made up for his long nights and early mornings. I plopped down onto a bar stool as my mother turned around from the stove where she was preparing my father’s lunch. Broccoli and chicken.
“To what do we owe the pleasure?” My mother spoke first as my father ended his call and made his way into the room. She turned back around and picked up the baking tray with her mitten covered hand and placed the tray in the oven.
