The way I want him.
And what my body does when I imagine what it might feel like if he wanted me back? That’s just plain dangerous.
I need a distraction. A real one.
And there’s only one thing that’s ever worked: music.
So I decide to make the most of the practice room I can access at the conservatoire and spend the day at the piano.
In a few days, I’ll be playing a solo set here in London, in a small but well-regarded concert hall.
Honestly, I’m excited. I’ve missed performing.
I just wish I could enjoy it without that familiar shadow always lurking at the edges, never loud, but never quite gone either.
My agent, May Morris, is still in Paris for now, handling things remotely, though she’s due to join me in London soon. She’s the one who put this programme together, perfectly curated, as always. May is sharp. Brilliant at her job. And a little terrifying.
She has no idea about the panic attacks. And she can’t know.
If she even suspected I might be a liability on stage, she’d drop me in a heartbeat. There’s an endless line of young, ambitious pianists waiting to take my place, and May doesn’t do fragile.
She’s also one of the only people who knows I’m gay.
That part never seemed to faze her, though she’s always advised me to keep things low-key.
No messy flings, no headlines, no drama.
Not because she cares, but because the classical music world still clings to its old-school values.
A “dignified image” is everything.
So far, I’ve gone along with it. But I’m starting to think I won’t much longer.
I’m not trying to shout it from the rooftops, but I’m tired of hiding. Tired of shrinking myself to fit someone else’s expectations. If May has a problem with that, she’ll have to deal with it.
Remi’s reaction last night gave me something I hadn’t realized I was still looking for: hope.
He listened. He saw me. And he didn’t flinch.
Maddie… well, that's a different conversation. But I’ll face it when the time comes.
For now, I need a cold shower to quiet my thoughts, and then I’m heading straight to the conservatoire.
When everything else feels out of tune, music’s the only thing that brings me back in key.
And God, do I need that today.
REMI
Yeah, I know, I’m a coward.
After everything that happened last night with Seb, the emotional whirlwind, the things we shared, the way he held me, and the way I didn’t want to let go, I couldn’t bring myself to face him this morning.
My head was a mess, and instead of staying and talking like a grown adult, I bailed.
Slipped out early like some guilty teenager.
Because the truth is, nothing feels normal anymore. Not after that.
