It’s something deeper.
A hunger that feels carved into my bones.
Irrational. Intense. Terrifying.
Almost painful.
Everything he does, every glance, every word, every slight movement, draws me in. And I don’t need a label to understand what that means.
I want him.
And whether or not he wants me back doesn’t even matter. Because deep down, I already know the truth:
I can never have him.
SEBASTIAN
I wake up after a restless night and shuffle into the kitchen, still half-asleep and absolutely starving. It’s Saturday, Remi should be home, but when I glance at the table, my stomach drops.
There’s no sign of him, just a neatly folded note.
He’s already left for the gym. Typical. But he’s also made me pancakes and left them covered, ready to reheat. The scent still lingers in the air: warm, buttery, and sweet.
He wrote that he won’t be home for lunch either, and if I want to join the usual group dinner, I can meet him directly at the Blackbird.
I stare at the note for a few seconds longer, then fold it in half and set it aside.
The pancakes sit there, golden and perfect, but just like that, my appetite disappears.
I thought last night changed something between us.
We shared parts of ourselves we hadn’t shown anyone else.
It felt like a thread had been pulled taut between us, heart to heart, drawing tighter and tighter until I couldn’t tell where I ended and he began. There was this closeness, this deep, dizzying intimacy, and I honestly thought he felt it too.
But maybe I got it all wrong.
I know I can’t have Remi. Not like that. I know he’s with Maddie.
I know it would be a disaster if I let myself fall for him.
But knowing all that doesn’t make it easier to breathe when he’s near me, or harder still, when he’s not.
Maybe it’s for the best that he’s keeping his distance today.
Maybe he felt it too and is doing the responsible thing, pulling back before things go too far.
Still, it stings. And it makes me feel stupid.
There’s too much at risk. Not just Maddie’s friendship, but the fragile new balance I’m building, with Anne, with the rest of the group, with myself.
Ishouldbe focused on other things. On finding a flat. On preparing for my upcoming concert.
On not falling apart over someone who was never mine to begin with.
But thoughts of Remi cling to me like burrs.
The way he looks at me. The way he touches me like it’s the most natural thing in the world.
