Serena turned her eyes on him like twin spotlights that Caleb had to steel himself against. ‘Are you coming back too?’ He heard the tremor of unease enter her voice and guilt tightened his stomach.
‘No. I’m going to stay here a while longer, whilst the final developments and inspections are happening. I’ll return to London then.’
Her eyes hadn’t left his face. He could feel them burning through his skin. ‘Then I’ll come back too. It could look strange us being in separate places so soon, no?’
Caleb shook his head. ‘I don’t think so. Everyone at the wedding saw your siblings. They’re enough of a reason for you to be back in London without me. And this was always the plan. You in London, me wherever I’m needed,’ he reminded her, summoning the detachment that had always come so easily to him and mentally snipping the threads that had grown between them. One day, hopefully, she would see that this was for the best.
‘Yes, but that was before…’ She cut herself off from whatever she’d been on the verge of saying, hurt creeping into her expression as she absorbed the detachment in his. She set down her fork and looked at him, almost pleadingly. ‘I don’t understand what’s going on right now. Why don’t you want me here? Why are you sending me away? Is it because of what happened earlier…’
‘I told you. It’s so you can see Dr Newman…’
‘If your concern for me and the baby was all this was about, then you would be coming with me,’ she asserted with conviction. ‘What’s really going on, Caleb? Tell me.’
‘Nothing is going on…’ But still he got up and walked away, unable to stand her expression any more, the way it tugged at him. He wished he could close his ears to the bewilderment in her voice as easily as he could avert his gaze.
‘I don’t believe you.’ She followed him, searching his face with her anguished eyes. ‘You’re doing this for a reason. You’re pushing me away. You’re scared of something. I can see it. You’re scared of what you felt today.How muchyou felt. Tell me I’m wrong.’
He wished he could.
‘This marriage isn’t about feelings, Serena. You know that,’ he gritted out, keeping a tight hold on his emotions because she needed to see, as well as hear, that he didn’t feel anything. And maybe with enough time, that would be true again.
‘I know it wasn’t meant to be. But that isn’t something that either of us can control.’ She pulled in a breath, reaching for him and the blaze of her fingertips against him…
Caleb resisted and savoured in the same moment. He knew he would never touch her again.
‘Today, at the hospital, Caleb, I was so scared. I was scared about the baby, of course, but I was also scared about what would happen between us if I did lose the baby. Because as much as I know we got married to protect our child and keep me in my brother and sister’s lives, the truth is I would want to be married to you even if those reasons didn’t exist.’ Her eyes filled with fear and with hope. ‘Because I love you.’
For a second the words seemed to warm him, before the expected coldness struck, as if his chest had been packed with ice. ‘You promised that wouldn’t happen.’
She nodded. ‘I believed that when I said it. I thought I’d endured too much loss and couldn’t stand the risk of anymore. The last thing I wanted was to put my heart in harm’s way again. But being with you, opening up to you…it’s changed that. Taken me back to who I was before it all got so hard, and as frightening as it still is to know that I could lose again, it’s not scary enough to stop me from wanting to try. Not anymore. Not with you.’ All the feeling he was trying so hard to suppress threatened. ‘I spent so long living a life that wasn’t what I wanted, Caleb. I don’t want to do that again. You’re the one who told me that I didn’t have to, that I could have everything I wanted, and this is what I want. Happiness. Family. Passion. Love. With you.’
Love.She was asking for the one thing she knew he couldn’t give. Didn’t want to give. He cared for her, more deeply than he’d cared for anyone, and he’d happily give her all else that he could, but love? The word alone was enough to make him lock down. What had loving ever brought anyone in his life? Desolation and despair. He wouldn’t ever invite that in.
‘I can’t give you what you want, Serena. I’m sorry.’
‘Can’t?’ she demanded. ‘Or won’t? I know you’re scared, Caleb. It’s frightening for me too. But won’t you even try? I know what we have matters to you. Iknowit. Isn’t that worth trying?’
‘I have been honest with you from the beginning, Serena,’ he stated, holding on to his emotion by a thread whilst keeping her at bay with his cool tone. ‘I never lied about what this could be, or what I was willing to offer. Not once.’
‘That’s it? That’s all you have to say? She looked so despairing, and so disappointed in him.See,he wanted to say,this is what love does.What love is.She stepped back, looking as though she’d taken a punch to the stomach. As wrecked, if not more, than she had looked earlier, and it tore at him to be the cause of it. But that was what happened when you let love in. It was why he never would. She turned away so he couldn’t see the tears that shook her shoulders, but when she turned back, it was anger, not pain, boiling in her eyes, and he loathed himself for forcing her back to her guarded stance, to that place where she refused to let anyone see her flounder. ‘I guess I will go back to London then. But tonight. And not as your wife.’
In a single, deliberate movement she removed the rings from her finger and put them on the table, and the act landed like a grenade in his gut.
His heart banged so powerfully; he was sure it bruised his insides. ‘Serena…’
‘No.’ She held up a silencing hand. ‘We’ve said everything that needs to be said. This is where we are. You’re not willing to offer me more and I refuse to settle for less. So, this is the only way forwards. Goodbye Caleb.’
Half an hour later, he watched silently as she walked out of the door, and though his despair grew with every step away from him that she took, he let her go because he had to, because he was too afraid to do anything other than that.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Caleb’s eyes weregritty with tiredness as he glanced at the clock and saw that it was nearly midnight.That explains that.He’d been working for almost eighteen hours, and on barely any sleep.But instead of reaching for his jacket and returning to the villa, and his bed, he began scrolling through his emails, filling his mind with more work.
Just like your father.
The comparison landed like a blow, the uncomfortable truth forcing him back in his chair. He was doing exactly as his father had, wasn’t he? Burying himself in business in an attempt to forget about his feelings, pretend they didn’t exist.
Only they did exist.
