And he was tired of pretending not to feel them. To not feel the ache and agony.
He’d thought he would feel better, more like himself, once he had wrested back control of the situation and his emotions—and he had. At first. But very quickly that sense of victory at mastering his feelings, his heart, had fled, and far from feeling on safe ground, he felt more lost than ever before.
Lost and lonely and empty.
Because he hadn’t just pushed Serena away emotionally, he had pushed her all the way out of his life. So much of him had revolted at letting her walk out the door unchallenged, but forcing her to stay hadn’t been an option, regardless of what she’d promised, or what agreement she had signed her name to. It was bad enough that he’d cornered her into the marriage in the first place; he couldn’t force her to remain in a situation that didn’t provide the emotional sustenance that she needed. Deserved. It would be nice to think that if he’d known then what he knew about her life now, he would never have strong-armed her into the stupid arrangement, only he couldn’t say for sure. But he was a better man now, and after everything she’d been through, Serena had earned the right to have the life she wanted. And since the only way for her to find that happiness was for him to let her and their baby go, that was what he’d done.
But he throbbed with how badly he missed her. She was still the first thing he thought of each day, and each evening he searched the villa for any trace of her; her scent, a missed belonging.
Did I make a terrible mistake?
Caleb prowled to the window, staring into the darkness. He had always maintained that it was preferable to feel nothing, to keep his heart safe and separate, but forcing himself to be honest, Caleb had never felt more content or settled in his life, more at peace than during these past weeks with Serena.
He’d been scared from the beginning of how much she had made him feel, thinking it was a bad thing, that it would lead him back to a place he wanted to avoid at all costs, but it was only when he had feared that he was losing her, and the baby, that the chaos had returned. It was only now, without her, that he couldn’t eat or sleep. Function.
It was letting her in, loving her, that had brought him peace. Just as it was finding a new love with Ellie that had healed his father. Helped him find peace after so many years of hurt. Caleb just hadn’t realised that until now.
He drew in a sharp breath at the realisation, but didn’t hide from it or try to fight it off. Because it was true. He loved Serena. He suspected he had for a while.
For as long as he could remember, love was something to be avoided, something that would only invite chaos into his body and soul, but it was the opposite that was true.
Serena said that he had given her life back to her, but she’d brought him back to life too, he realised with a jolt of his heart. It was because of her that he’d started to heal, to forgive himself for his past mistakes with Charlotte and see himself in a different way. The only reason that he believed he could be a good father to their child was because of her, because of her faith and trust in him, the love she had given so freely and fearlessly.
But when she’d been brave enough to ask for what she needed and wanted, he’d been a coward. He’d denied her, pushed her away, let her believe that she wasn’t loved, and that made him sick to his stomach, because if there was one person on the planet who deserved to be loved, it was Serena.
He needed to fix it. Whatever it took, he would fix it. Because he’d been wrong. So wrong. And he didn’t want to waste a minute to make it right again.
She had done the right thing.
That was what Serena kept telling herself. What she had to keep reminding herself. Each morning when she woke and another day without Caleb stretched endlessly ahead. Each time she looked at the sonogram shot of their baby and thought of all the moments she wouldn’t get to share with him. Each night as she lay in bed alone and aching, missing his warm presence beside her.
She hated being all alone again…
But leaving had been the only thing to do.
She had held out her heart for him to accept, and he hadn’t wanted it. Which was the outcome Serena had feared, and yet some part of her had still hoped that the closeness they’d built would be enough to change his mind about not wanting love in his life. Because she really thought their relationship had changed him. Serena knew he had felt as much terror and joy as she had in the hospital. She knew it wasn’t only her heart that had become invested in the relationship… Caleb just wasn’t willing to accept that.
He didn’t want it to be the truth. He didn’t want to love her.
And Serena couldn’t force him to.
She could have stayed and waited to see if, with a little more time, Caleb did change his mind, but that would only have been short-changing herself, and she’d already lost so much time that to spend another minute of her life not living it the way she wanted, without the love that she was now brave enough to admit that she craved, was impossible. Especially now that she remembered how exhilarating it was to love. How fulfilling.
Even though it had ended in the way she’d most wanted to avoid, with her heart tearing apart, she wouldn’t be flattened by that pain. The scar on her heart was a mark of bravery, of how she’d risked herself for love, and despite the pain being worse than anything she had endured before—deeper and sharper, persisting through all hours of the day and night—Serena knew she could survive it. Would survive it. The time she’d spent with Caleb had shown her that. She was a fighter, a survivor, and she would never forget that again. Never doubt her own power again.
She would make it through this, without closing herself off to the future. She would build a good life for herself and her child, chase happiness because she deserved it and without the fear of losing it, even if there remained a part of her that was always sad that she hadn’t been able to find that happiness with Caleb…
That was why, after days of lying curled up on Evie’s sofa, she’d taken the step of going to the new house, because she had to move on and move forwards. It was a beautiful Georgian house in Holland Park, only a short walk from where Kit and Alexis lived with her stepmother. She had just finished unpacking and exploring the space that was now her home, when there was a knock at the door.
‘Caleb…’ It was the strangest moment of déjà vu, to find him looming on her doorstep once again, and despite the elation filling in her heart, she quickly tensed, not interested in letting history repeat itself. ‘If you’re here to twist my arm into coming back and keeping up the pretence…’
‘I’m not,’ he said, holding up a hand as though swearing to that, and it was then she noticed the crescent shadows beneath his eyes, his stubble an inch thicker than normal, and his paleness beneath his tan. But his eyes glowed with his characteristic determination. ‘All I’m asking for is five minutes of your time because there are some things I need to say.’
She knew he could accomplish a lot in five minutes, and yet it was such a small thing to ask for that refusing seemed petty. And she couldn’t avoid him forever—not when they had a child to raise. ‘Alright.’
But Serena was wary as she stepped back to let him inside, and as he followed her into the living room, she chose to stand as far from his magnetic force field as possible, trying to keep her heart from rioting out of control.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said, startling her because they were the last words she had expected to hear. ‘I’m so sorry, Serena. For pushing you away and for saying nothing when you told me you loved me. I shouldn’t have let a single second go by without telling you the same, but instead I pushed you away even more, because I was scared. Scared of how much I loved hearing you tell me that and scared of how much I felt for you.’ He came a step closer, and she knew she should maintain a safe distance between them, but was too stunned to move. ‘Serena, for as long as I can remember, I’ve thought of love as something destructive, something that causes chaos and weakness and would weaken me if I let it. I watched what loving my mother did to my father after she left, and even though I didn’t remember her, I know what it did to me. There was this gaping hole that nothing could heal, and it made me yearn for something so badly that I thought I’d die from the force of it. Ineverwanted to feel that again. That desperation and chaos inside me, so I pulled back from everyone, from wanting anything from them. But then came you, and I don’t really know what happened. Just that it happened easily, but when you asked me to name it, all I could think of was all that bad from my childhood. But I do love you, Serena. I love your heart and strength and how hard you fight. I love how much you love Kit and Alexis, and how much I know you will love and protect our child. And, if there was no baby, I would still love you. I would still want you at my side.’ Serena didn’t know when she’d started crying; only realised her face was wet as her pain and longing fought through her control. Hearing him explain the effects of his childhood was heartbreaking. It wasn’t hard to understand that boy—rejected and scared to love and ask for more, to accept more, in case it made him vulnerable again—still lived inside of him. No wonder he’d been frightened of the love building between them, and been so unwilling to acknowledge it. ‘I know what I did was awful, but I wanted you to know the truth. To know that you are loved. And to tell you that if you could find it within you to forgive and let me back into your life, I would never make you doubt it again. I would never let you down again.’
