This is how he used to live his whole life—out loud and open to the world. This is who he was with Zac. The man who used him, as I’m using him. I would never betray Ned the way Zac did, but can I really count myself as a step in the right direction? If Ned feels the need to put on a show for my benefit, am I any better for him than Zac?
“Toni?” Ned’s murmur breaks through the tumble of my thoughts. “Are you all right?”
I yank on a smile, but the lead in my chest weighs heavy, dragging down the corners of my mouth. “I’m fabulous, as always.”
Ned’s frown deepens. “Let’s check out the view.”
A nearby door opens onto a tiled patio, and we walk through it into the coolness of the night air. The lights of Brisbane’s cityscape are visible in the distance, bright and colourful against the ebony sky. A few guests gather around a scattering of bar tables, talking and laughing amongst themselves. Ned and I make our way to a quiet spot where he wraps his long arms around me from behind. I lean back against his chest, my hands covering his at my waist, eyes drifting closed.
This is supposed to be my moment of triumph. For this one night, I have everything I’ve ever wanted. To be on the arm of the most gorgeous man in the room. To introduce him as my boyfriend and make everyone believe. I wanted them to be happy for me, or jealous, or envious. And maybe some of them are. What does it matter, though, what people believe when they look at us from the outside, if we’re both faking who we are to make it happen?
“I’d love to know what’s going on in that wild and beautiful brain of yours. Will you tell me?”
My eyes open and I drag in a lungful of air as I consider how to respond. “I suppose, I’m realising how much I’ll miss you when this is over.” His body stills, and I rush on. “Don’t worry, I’m not getting all mopey on you. I promised I wouldn’t. Although, I enjoyed having someone to order around. Someone to spend time with.” I try to force a chuckle, but it sounds more like I’m choking. “You’ve quite spoiled me.”
We both fall silent, listening to the sounds of revelry filtering out from the party.
“What if you don’t have to miss me?” he asks, his lips close to my ear. “What if we don’t break up?”
My gut clenches and I grip on to him tighter. “It sounds lovely, Ned, but let’s face it, even the best fantasies must come to an end sooner or later.”
“This is no fantasy, Toni.” He spins me around in the circle of his arms, cupping my face between his hands. “I want us to keep going.”
“There is no us.” I pull his hands away as I take a step back. “We’re not boyfriends, Ned, we never were. We’re using each other to get what we want, nothing more.”
“That’s not true, things have changed. You can deny it if you want to,” he says in a low voice, “but you don’t get to tell me how I feel when I’m with you. When I’m touching you, kissing you.”
I make a scoffing sound. “The first time you kissed me was for Rodney and Leif’s benefit. So you’d be able to force me to go to the music festival with you,” I remind him. “The only thing you felt was relief… because they fell for it.”
An audible gasp has us turning in that direction. Rodney’s eyes are round with shock and a hand covers his mouth.
The sky falls. Everything around me goes dark. All I can hear is the rush of my own breath, the panicked thumping of my heart. How long has he been standing there?
“You were lying?” he asks in a strangled voice. “This whole time, you were lying to me? Why?”
My mouth opens, but I don’t have a clue what to say. There’s no justification for my actions, no good excuse I can fall back on. Only the lame truth. “I wanted to have a boyfriend for your party.”
Rodney straightens, his mouth pressing into a hard line. “I bloody well knew it.” He spits the words out, quiet but forceful. “I knew it, but I didn’t want to know it. Leif tried to warn me, but I was too busy defending you to listen. I didn’t want to admit you would go to so much effort to lie to me about something so petty and pointless.” He throws his arms in the air. “Why would I care if you have a boyfriend or not?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” I snap, “maybe because you’re constantly pointing out I don’t have one. Meanwhile, I’m forced to watch you and Leif suck face every time we’re in the same room.”
He gasps for a second time. “We don’t force you to watch anything, Toni. We’re just… being happy.”
“And I’m happy you’re so fucking happy, but do you have to constantly rub my nose in it?”
Rodney’s eyes narrow as he glares sharp and pointy daggers at me. “Is that what I’m doing?” he asks, gesturing to the nearby party. “By falling in love, getting engaged, having a party to celebrate. Is that how I’m rubbing your nose in it?” He shakes his head in disgust. “Have you ever considered, Toni, maybe this night isn’t about you?”
My stomach sinks six feet beneath my feet, and I hang my head. “I’m sorry.”
“Oh, fuck you, you’re not sorry.” He looks at Ned with a twisted smile. “You were supposed to be Toni’s firstrealboyfriend. Did you know that, Ned?” he says in a conversational tone. “Toni here has been single all his twenty-three years, because no man can be bothered putting up with his pretentious bullshit.” His gaze returns to me, and he huffs out a humourless laugh. “I think I finally get it now.”
“No.” The whispered word is drowned out by Leif’s arrival as he rushes to Rodney’s side, no doubt alerted to our drama by one of the other guests.
“What’s going on?” He takes Rodney in his arms before glaring at me. “What did you do?”
“Toni’s leaving.” Rodney’s voice is hard and lifeless. “He’s no longer welcome here.”
“Rodney, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…” I can’t even finish the sentence because I did mean to lie to him. I did my absolute best to deceive the one person who always believed in me. Given the chance, I would take back the last five minutes and continue the lie. Because I’d rather betray his trust, than have him be mad at me. Maybe I’m more like Zac than I ever imagined.
