* * *
“I went home and packed my bag,” I tell Toni, my gaze fixed on my fingers as they play with his on my chest. “I told the guy I shared with to sell my stuff and keep the money. Went to the airport. Caught the last flight back to Brisbane.”
Toni’s eyes are sorrowful as he watches me. Moving, he sits up between my legs. “What Zac did to you is messed up,” he says at last, his voice rough with quiet fury. “I can’t imagine what it’s like to be so in love with someone, to feel such passion and such pleasure at their hand. Then have them betray you like that, even as they’re touching you.” He shakes his head. “How do you even hold all those memories inside you at the same time?”
“That’s exactly the point.” With a shuddery breath I push myself up to sit in front of him. “There were times I thought I’d never get over Zac. For months afterwards I would dream about him and wake up hard. I would jerk off to memories of us fucking, of him using me, because at the time it felt so good. Then I’d remember how it ended and have to stop myself from throwing up. It’s all mixed up inside me now. Every time I perform. The heat. The revulsion. I don’t even know how I let it get so far. I only know I can’t ever let it happen again.” I stare at Toni, see the understanding in his gaze. “I can’t trust myself. Not anymore.”
Moving quickly, he climbs onto my lap and wraps his arms and legs around me. “You didn’t do anything wrong. You know that, don’t you?”
A smile tugs at my mouth as I nod, hugging him back. “It took me a long time to accept it. Who I am. What I like. But yeah, I know there’s nothing wrong with giving myself to someone, as long as I don’t let them abuse me with it. I have to be careful.”
Toni pulls back to look at me, reaches out a hand to stroke my cheek. “I love the way you give. So open and brave. Knowing you would do anything to please me is the greatest privilege anyone has ever given me. It makes me feel… cherished.” His voice is little more than a whisper, his touch a barely-there caress. “Whatever happened before, however he made you feel for your generosity, when you’re with me I want you to feel cherished, too.”
Emotions clog my throat and I hug him close once more, burying my face against his shoulder. “I already do.”
EIGHTEEN
______
TONI
“I told you I’d be the first person to arrive.”
Rodney spins around at my words and squeals in excitement. “Toni!” He throws his arms around me, and I laugh at the enthusiasm in his affection. “I’m so glad you’re here.”
“On a night like this?” I tease. “Where else would I be?” Turning, I step back to Ned’s side. “You remember Ned?”
“Of course.” Rodney’s smile grows impossibly large. “How could I forget your dashing rock star boyfriend?” This time it’s Ned he’s throwing his arms around. Ned’s eyes widen comically before he pats Rodney awkwardly on the back, glancing at me in bemusement.
“I’ve been stupidly nervous all day,” Rodney says as he straightens. “But now party time has finally arrived, I know we’re going to have a blast.”
Leif joins us then, looking dapper in a dark blue suit. Who knew he could scrub up so nicely? “Hey guys, welcome to the party.” His greeting appears genuine as he offers his hand to Ned and then me, though his lips twist in a light tease as we shake. “Glad to see you made it this time.”
My own grin is appropriately self-deprecating. “My dearest Leif, I wouldn’t have missed this for the world.”
With a low chuckle, Leif turns to his fiancé. “Baby, your parents are here.”
“Oh, we’d better go say hello.” Rodney promises to catch up with us later before they rush off hand in hand.
Ned and I head for the bar to get a drink. As the room fills with guests, Ned gestures to the crowd. “Do you know many people here?”
I point out some of Rodney’s family members, although I don’t know them well. Then I gesture to a small group who are gathering on the other side of the room. “I’m friends with those people. Rodney and I went to high school with some of them, others we met later.”
Ned’s eyes light up and he tilts his head towards them. “Are you going to introduce me?” When I hesitate, his brows draw together. “Isn’t that why I’m here?”
“That was the intention, but…” I clear my throat, looking everywhere but at him. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Like I’m, you know, showing you off.” Which is exactly what I’d always intended to do, because I’m a shallow arsehole who never once bothered to consider how Ned would feel about me parading him around the room like some prize I’d won in Sideshow Alley at the Ekka.
Ned steps closer, wrapping an arm around my waist. “Maybe I don’t mind being shown off by you,” he assures me. “This is different from what Zac did. With him, I didn’t even feel like a person. I was a possession, something he owned. An accessory.”
“Oh honey, you’re no accessory,” I blurt without thinking. “You’re the whole damned outfit.”
He laughs out loud, and a smile creeps onto my face.
“Come on.” He takes hold of my hand, tugging me behind him as he crosses the room. “Let’s go impress some people.”
We approach the group and cheers sound as they catch sight of me. There’s more hugging, and introductions are made. I smile widely, pulling on my fabulous like a second skin. It’s a little snug these days, but it never fails to hide a multitude of flaws. I don’t use the word boyfriend when I introduce Ned. After last night, I can’t bring myself to go that far. He does, though—liberally. Several sets of eyebrows lift in surprised delight. A couple of the women are fans of Ned’s band, and they go a bit swoony over him. He swoons back. The man does love his fans.
We pass an easy hour with an excess of champagne and chatter before a small dancefloor in the middle of the room starts to fill, and Ned drags me into the middle of it. We have a great time, enjoying the bump and grind of the music, but as the night wears on I can’t help but notice the subtle changes in Ned’s behaviour. He’s pulled on his second skin, too. I recognise it from his stage performances, though I’ve never seen him use it elsewhere. Full of sex and swagger, his rock star persona is powerful enough to turn heads in every corner of the room.
