Harrison heard the question Jeremy was asking, though he never said the words out loud.Am I safe with you?
And in that moment, the truth hit him—he shouldn’t be here. He should leave, right now, without finishing the wall, without so much as a backward glance on his way out the door. He should pack up his equipment and walk away. Because the answer was always going to be no.
He tried to move, but his body seemed frozen in place.
When he finally found more words, he said, “I don’t need you to fix me, Jeremy. I can take care of myself.” Those words were true. He’d worked too hard to even consider handing responsibility for his life over to someone else. The lie he told was born of the words he kept to himself.That doesn’t mean I’m not broken.
Jeremy heard only the assurances, and the relief on his face was instantaneous. “Well then,” he said, releasing a breathy laugh, “maybe this wall won’t be the end of us, after all.”
Every black and twisted name Harrison had ever heard spew from his father’s mouth screamed through his mind. He cursed his own selfish hide for wanting a man who would never want him back—not if he knew the truth. Harrison wasn’t just damaged, he was the kind of damaged that cracked all the way to the bone. If Jeremy saw that side of him, he would run. Or worse, he would fall back into old patterns of care taking and pointless sacrifice.
Everything about him was wrong for Jeremy—especially for Jeremy.
Still, he didn’t move.
“Fuck, I’m so sorry.” Jeremy turned away as he put the paintbrush down and wiped his hands on a rag. “I didn’t mean to get all intense on you.”
“Don’t be sorry.” Harrison watched the play of emotions on Jeremy’s face as he resurfaced from his memories. “I wanted to know.”
Face flushing, Jeremy started to make his way down one of the ladders. “I’m going to make some tea,” he said in an overly bright voice. “It’s good for the soul. You want some?”
“Sure.” Harrison watched as Jeremy headed for the door to the back room, where he paused for a moment to look over his shoulder.
“That stung like a bitch,” he said, his grin making a reappearance. “But I’m happy I told you.”
There was that word again. The one Harrison would never get to touch.Happy.
Forcing a smile onto his face, Harrison nodded. “Same here.”
After Jeremy left the room, Harrison looked down at the plank of wood holding him more than a metre in the air. He’d been using the same plank for a long time and he trusted it to support his weight. But he had to be careful. If he added too much stress, the wood would crack under the pressure and he would fall. In the same way, he’d been using his rules to support his mind for so long they’d become second nature. They weren’t infallible though, and there were times when they failed to keep him aloft. It was a balancing act he’d been living his entire adult life—precarious and unpredictable. What right did he have to subject Jeremy to that kind of turmoil after everything he’d already been through? Tendrils of doubt crept around the back of Harrison’s mind, searching for a way in, telling him this couldn’t work. He’d lose his footing eventually and when he did, he’d drag Jeremy down with him.
With quickened pulse and sweaty palms, Harrison continued to stare down at the wood beneath his feet. He didn’t feel secure, not anymore. One wrong move, and he’d lose his balance. One wrong move, and he’d fall.
