Since the night I almost died from an overdose, I haven’t touched a single pill. I haven’t even touched a baby aspirin. I take every day one at a time. I breathe in and out, like my mom taught me to. I write when I feel anger rise in me and take frustration out on my music. And when I feel the sadness come over and scream at me, I go outside and play basketball. No matter the weather—sunny, raining, snowing—I go out there and pound the ball against the pavement.
I sit in my room—which is always different, depending on where we are—in the dark and just stare. I let my thoughts consume me until I think the only way out is to take those white pills.
Yet my mind drifts off to what I have and what I would lose.
I would lose my family. Amelia and Elijah would open my bedroom door and find an untouched bed every day. Mom wouldn’t hear my steps as I raced my siblings to the dinner table when it was fried chicken night. My dad wouldn’t hear me whining when he demanded I practice my vocals.
People would think my siblings were twins by just looking at them. Not triplets.
Not to mention, I wouldn’t be lying here with a beautiful girl next to me. She wouldn’t have fallen for me.
If I’d died that night, she wouldn’t have known who I was. That thought terrifies me.
So, even though I’m still distant and cold and I still struggle to let people in because I can’t go through any more pain, the thought of ending my life to finish a problem that won’t last forever never crosses my mind. I don’t want to cause someone else’s pain ever again. I watched my family grieve over me before life even drained out of me.
I can’t do that to them anymore. I can’t do this to myself.
“Hey,” I hear the angelic voice whisper from beside me, instantly calming me.
Her face comes into my view. I watch as she leans her arms flat against my chest and stares at me with worry. Her hand wipes a tear I didn’t notice running down my face.
“Why are you crying?”
As her eyes bore into mine, a new form of guilt and pain rises in my stomach. I’m giving my heart to this girl and trusting that she won’t break it. But she expects the same. I’m keeping the biggest secret from her. I’ll destroy her. She’ll hate me. She’ll leave me empty and cold again.
Losing her dad and hating everything she’d once loved has already destroyed her. Not to mention the fact that her mother is seeing another man. That must kill. I need her to fall in love with who I really am until I tell her. I want to be sure that there isn’t something like my stupid identity between us. I have everything to lose but everything to gain. Trinity’s my escape, my distraction from this horrible world.
If she’s my addiction, call me an addict.
Her arms fall to her sides as I lean against the headboard. Pulling her onto my lap, I tell her about my past, how I almost took my life and how deeply I regret it now. As we sit here, wrapped in each other’s arms, tears roll down my face. I cry and match her own sobs as they rack her body. Our arms wrap tighter around each other as we realize we wouldn’t be where we are now if I hadn’t been saved that night.
* * *
I park my car in front of her house. Silence fills the air.
“You know …” Trinity breaks the silence and trails off. “The day we first met, your name really intrigued me. I never met someone with the name Leonidas before. It’s so unique and beautiful. So, curiosity got the best of me, and I searched for the meaning of it on Google.” She pauses and turns her body toward mine.
Her eyes, full of emotion, find mine, and I don’t look away.
“Leonidas is a Greek name, meaning lion strength.”
I watch as she gets lost in thought.
“I think the meaning of your name fits so well with your story. They made the name Leonidas for you, whether you think you’re strong or not. My father used to tell me when I was young that God picks the hardest fights for his strongest warriors.”
Grasping my face in the palms of her hands, she smiles sadly at me. “No matter how much you try to convince yourself that you’re weak, Leonidas, knowing you’re sitting right here with me means you’re tough. You’re a warrior. The pain will never go away. You’ll get numb and get used to it. But it’s how you go on with your day. Are you going to let the painful thoughts win? Are you going to lose the war of your life?” She leans in and brushes her lips over mine delicately.
“You’re strong, Leonidas. Don’t let the devil win.”
As I pull her head toward mine and connect our lips in a passionate kiss, I realize that my prayer came true. Even though it took a few years, I smile at the thought of my happiness sitting right beside me.
TWENTY-FIVE
TRINITY
Something snapped me back into reality when Leonidas confessed he’d almost died due to an overdose four years ago. Watching the tears roll down his face as he replayed what had happened that night terrified me. I wanted to hold on to him and never let go because the thought of never meeting him destroys me.
No wonder why when we first met, he was so closed off and rude. He was hurting. Living with the weight of almost killing himself.
