I shifted on the bed, grasping for the right words. “I’ve encountered plenty of attractive men. Especially in my line of work,” I said. “This is different, Gretch. I’m—I’mfallingfor him. I have feelings for him.”
It was the first time I’d let myself think it in such black-and-white terms. And definitely the first time I’d said anything like it aloud. I didn’t expect it to feel sotrue.
“Falling for him?” Gretchen’s eyebrows cinched before her expression eased with understanding. “For real? Wow.”
“Yeah. Wow.”
“But, Bill—you guys are happy, aren’t you?”
“Yes.” I took back my hand and placed it in my lap. “It’s not even really about Bill at all—it’s . . . it’s bigger than that.”
Gretchen stayed silent, but not in judgment. She gave me the space I needed to hear these things out loud, test them, see them from a new angle.
And something occurred to me.Wasthis more than bad timing for David and me? Could it actually be aboutBillas much as it was about David?
My nose tingled. I didn’t want that to be true. It complicated things so much more if I had to put a magnifying glass to my marriage when Bill and I had created a groove that worked for both of us.
“I love Bill, and I’ve never even felt the urge to be with anyone else,” I said, my throat thickening. “Ever.”
Gretchen nodded thoughtfully. “But you clearly feel strongly for this other guy. What is it about him?”
My eyes darted over the bedspread. “He and I connected in such a powerful way. The first time I looked at him, something so intense passed between us. That was before we’d even spoken.”
“Babe, that sounds like lust.”
I nodded. “I know. I thought so, too, at first. Or, at least, I hoped. But our bond strengthens whenever I’m near him, and I can’t stop it. Ican’t. I want to so badly, but it’s so, soblindingthat we actually . . .”
Those Windex-colored eyes grew bigger than I’d ever seen them. “Did you sleep with him?”
“No.” I swallowed. “But we kissed.”
She blinked at me. “I’ve never even heard youtalkabout another guy since you met Bill.”
“It just sort of happened. One minute, we were talking, and then it’s like I just fell into him. I feel so incredibly guilty.”
“Oh, Livs.” She pulled me in for a tight hug, then drew back, her grip firm on my shoulders. “Listen to me. You’re not the first person in the world to make a mistake in the heat of the moment. I’m more surprised that you even allowed yourself to get caught up inanymoment at all.”
I frowned. “What does that mean?”
She sighed, twisting her lips as if searching for words. “Bill has always been—safe. You fell in love slowly and without any hiccups. I saw what your parents’ divorce did to you. You stopped taking risks. You stopped knowing how to open up. Bill’s always loved you, and he’d never hurt you.”
Safe. That was no great revelation—I’d known it from the beginning of Bill’s and my relationship. But paired with David’s accusations from earlier . . .safebecame a dirty word.
It implied my marriage was satisfactory.
That I wasn’t being loved the way I deserved.
I thought it’d been a kind of safety that had also brought happiness and love. But the more time I spent with David, the less I saw what I had, and more what was missing.
“That doesn’t mean you owe Bill anything,” Gretchen continued.
“Yes, it does,” I said. “I took vows.”
“But people fall out of love. And they change. You know that, but you’re so hard on yourself. If you don’t change in the ways you think are right or perfect, you resist the fuck out of it. And it will only hurt you, and Bill, too, in the long run.”
“So what are you saying?” I asked, a knot forming in my stomach. If she was talking about change, then that meant making decisions I’d thought were already set. Taking action. Hurting people I loved. “Are you telling me to do something about it?”
“You know I can’t tell you what to do here. Nobody can. But you clearly need to take some time to think about what you really want. Not what you thinkotherswant, butyou, deep down.”
