I’d let Gretchen in the door, and even though she’d given me a lot to think about, my struggle with the couchdidlessen slightly.
But it was hard to ignore the question burning in her eyes.
After another moment of silence, I spoke. “I can’t tell you who he is, G. Then there’s no turning back.”
Her face fell, but she nodded. “Whoever it is, I beg you not to ignore this any longer. When we were kids, we had so muchfun. Remember how we used to spy on Jon until that day we caught him making out with a girl? We were so grossed out.”
I smiled. “Your brother nearly killed us that summer.”
“You were lighthearted. Fun. Passionate. I know it still lives in you. It was hard to witness all that die during your parents’ divorce, and then to watch you suppress anything remotely close ever since.”
Her words took my breath away. Months ago, I’d been living the life I’d thought I’d wanted, one I’d carefully constructed, one that proved I could be happy.
I was beginning to realize I may have fooled myself, but others had seen right through it. Davena. Gretchen. And most of all, the stranger in the tuxedo.David.
“My parents fought a lot, but I never expected it to get so bad,” I said. “Even at the end, when it was the worst, it didn’t occur to me they’d actually split up. I was scared of my mom after the accident, but even then, I thought they’d work it out.”
“You thought love was enough. That’s not your fault—it’s what we’re taught. That love conquers all. Then we get old enough to know better.”
Exactly. I knew better now, didn’t I? Love alone wasn’t enough. Passion did more harm than good. So why had I let David get so deep under my skin?
I nodded. “The divorce was for the best. Their highs and lows made everyone miserable, including me.”
“It’s such a relief to hear you say that. It’s been so long since we’ve had an honest conversation about the past.”
“I’m sorry,” I said. “It just brings up things I thought I’d moved on from.”
“Come on, Olivia. You didn’t deal with or move on from anything. You buried it all. You were thirteen, so it’s okay. But it’s time to grow up and face it now.”
I inhaled a breath. It wasn’t easy to hear. I thought time would heal the wounds my parents had left, but like the one just below my ribs, scars remained.
Gretchen reached up and swiped away a tear I hadn’t realized had escaped. “When was the last time you cried in front of me?”
“I hate doing it in public.”
“Public? It’sme. This isn’t public.”
“Yes. That sounds stupid, doesn’t it?” I shook my head, sniffling. “You’re a good friend.”
“I try, but sometimes you make it hard.” She glanced toward the ceiling. “As kids, you told me you were going to have it all. The most successful job, the biggest house, the cutest husband. You said he was going to be the nicest, tallest guy in the world, and he’d love you more than anyone. Do you feel that way about Bill?”
“Everyone thinks that way when they’re ten years old,” I said wryly.
“Sure, but you carried that into high school, and into your adult life, too. You withdrew from love, but you still expected everything to fall into place the way it should. Not necessarily in a way that excited you.”
“I had high expectations because my dad did. I didn’t want anyone to ever think that I wasn’t good enough.”
“Nobody thinks that,” she said. “Everyone loves you. And I’ll beat up anyone who doesn’t. I’ll always have your back.”
“I never would’ve survived without you and Jon,” I said. “You guys are the reason I made it through.”
She gave me a beautiful smile, and I was sure I saw tears in her eyes. “So what about Bill?Ishe those things?”
“No one can be all of that,” I said.
“But is he still ‘the one’?” she asked. “You don’t have to answer, but you should know you’ve always got . . . options.”
I heard what she didn’t say.
