I nod and immediately feel a sharp sting on my ass.
“We talked about you using your words,” Jude chastises.
“You’re one to talk.” When he blushes, I take a step back but still hold onto him. “Jude, I want to be with you. But what happened last night, I can’t do that again. I can’t see that look in your eyes, when you thought I was Grant.”
He blushes again and looks down at the tiled floor. “I know. I won’t do that again.”
“I need more than that,” I press. “I need you to talk to me when something’s going on. And if you can’t talk about it, then I need you to tell me you’re bothered and what I can do to help.”
He pulls back a little, reluctance pouring off him. “I’m not really good at that.”
“No one is. But I won’t let you do that again, that pushing yourself when it comes to sex. What you went through is serious. I’ve never had it happen to me, but I can’t imagine that it goes away just because you want it to. And I’m pretty sure you can’t force it away by doing something with me.”
“I know.” His voice is quiet, full of embarrassment. And I hate that for him. I don’t want him to be embarrassed.
I lift a hand and cup his cheek. “I’m not mad, Jude. I just can’t stand the thought of ever hurting you. I want you to feel safe around me, to know that I’d never hurt you. Because I won’t.”
He leans into my hand and closes his eyes. “I know it’s not going to happen overnight, but I promise I’m trying.”
Twenty-seven
Jude
Dom and Brigid don’t leave for their honeymoon until the Wednesday after the wedding. So Dom and Row both come with me to the police station. In a rare turn of events, Dom hasn’t pressured me to talk anymore about Grant.
“You should be with Brigid,” I say as he sits quietly next to me while we wait for someone to come in and talk to us.
“You and Max shouldn’t be giving each other so much tongue in public, but you don’t hear me telling you not to do it.”
Rowan snorts.
I roll my eyes. “I’m serious, Dom.”
“I want to be here with you,” he replies, his voice full of sincerity. “You shouldn’t be doing this alone.”
I stare down at my fingers, knotted nervously in my lap. “I thought maybe you guys were here to make sure I didn’t back out.”
His lips pull up in a smile. “Well, that too.”
Silence fills the room again, and I try to focus on my breathing. Talking to Max helped a lot. Telling Rowan and Dom the truth helped a lot. But I’m not sure that talking to the police is going to help the same way.
“I don’t know about this.” The words are out of me before I can stop them. I expect Dom to get angry, especially since he’s the one who pushed me for years to tell the truth, but he surprises me.
“The choice is yours,” he says. “I think there’s a reason you came here today. I think you’re starting to accept that what happened is wrong, and that Grant should be held accountable for it. But if you’re not ready, you’re not ready.”
“Who are you? Where’s my brother?”
He cuts me a look before his eyes soften. “The stuff you told us the other night…it made me realize I should’ve let you come to me on your own instead of pushing. I didn’t understand how bad things really were. And I’m sorry for the times when I said something that made you think you couldn’t talk to me about it.”
“You didn’t.” It’s not strictly the truth because he said a lot of shit. But it never made me feel like I couldn’t tell him. “I wasn’t ready to tell anyone. What Rowan said, about me not realizing that Grant and I didn’t actually have a relationship… No one ever made that clear. I know it seems like it should be a given, but it wasn’t. Not to me.”
“But you know it now, right?” Rowan asks. “You know that what went down between you and Grant, that’s on him.”
“I’m trying to believe that.” It’s the most honest thing I can say. It’s not like I can force myself to suddenly look at what Grant did as bad. On some level, I could recognize that it was awful, but I still have a hard time even thinking of it as assault. We all did what we had to in order to survive, or to keep each other alive. Like Dom taking Dad’s rage on himself. Like Rowan beating Grant almost to death. It’s our job to protect each other, and that’s what my time with Grant felt like.
Dom nudges my knee with his. “Whatever happens, it’ll be okay. You have us, all right?”
I nod. I don’t want to depend on them like that, but maybe that’s what they’re supposed to be there for.
