“We did it for a little over a year,” Jude says. He glances up at me before looking away again. “Then Rowan walked in on us when Grant forgot to lock the classroom door. Rowan almost killed him. He beat the shit out of him, and it took three teachers to pull him off. And when the police asked me what happened, I lied. My dad made it clear that he’d kill Row if he came back home, and Rowan would never leave us voluntarily. So I lied, and he got thrown into juvie.”
My heart breaks at his story, at the pain in his voice. The shame and guilt. “Jude…”
“I’m sorry about last night,” he continues. “I should never have done that. It wasn’t right for me to push you for that without telling you about my past.”
“Why did you?” I ask. The question feels weird as it comes out, like my lips are numb.
“I don’t know.” He runs a hand through his messy hair. “Grant tried to…get to me last night. I guess I thought that if I did it with you, I wouldn’t be…afraid anymore. Like I wouldn’t worry about Grant finding me again. And I know that doesn’t make any sense, and it wasn’t fair to you, and I’m sorry. I should never have done that. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“You didn’t.” I say it instantly. When he gives me a look, I add, “It upset me. It upset me that you were hurting, and you wouldn’t talk to me about it. It upset me that you tried to use me to fix something I can’t fix.”
He blushes and glances away. “I promise I wasn’t really looking at it like that. I’ve never let anyone even try that with me. You just make me feel safe, like Grant doesn’t even exist. And the idea of…doing that scares me.” He chokes a little on the last part, like it pained him to say it. “I thought since it was you, it would be okay. And I know that wasn’t fair. And I’m sorry. Again.”
I stare down at my hands, trying to sort through everything he said. I hate that he was put in that position. That his dad let it happen and didn’t do anything to stop it. That Jude felt trapped and stayed with Grant to keep his brothers safe.
“I’m going to the police,” Jude says. “I don’t know if it’ll actually do any good, but he’ll never stop, and I’m thinking of maybe staying in Brooklyn for a bit.” His voice turns shy when he says that last part, and my heart stutters.
“You are?”
“Yeah. I’ve missed my brothers. I’m tired of moving and waiting for Grant to catch up with me. I don’t think I can do it anymore.”
“What about us?” I ask the question before I can talk myself out of it. I have to know how he’s looking at what’s been going on between us.
Jude breathes out a sigh and leans back against the wall. “What do you want to happen?”
“I want to know what you want.” Maybe it’s pathetic, but I can’t put myself out there. Not yet. Not after last night.
He nods like he was expecting me to turn it back to him. “I want to see where it goes with us,” he replies. “I meant it when I said I feel safe with you, but it’s more than that. I haven’t connected with anyone like I did with you. I love being around you. But I also know that last night might’ve turned you off to the idea.” He frowns before adding, “Or maybe what you learned about me and Grant. I know it’s disgusting.”
“I don’t think you’re disgusting,” I say. I can hear the shame in his voice, the belief that by sleeping with Grant, he tainted himself somehow.
Jude glances back at me, as if he’s trying to read a lie in my eyes or on my face. It hurts that anyone would look at him differently when they learned he’d been through that. As if it was his fault or something.
“You don’t have to,” Jude says. “I mean that. If it’s too much for you, it’s okay. I…I’m too much for me sometimes. I don’t want you thinking you have to do anything. I want to be with you but only if you want it too.”
“I do.” I take a step closer to him, though I’m unsure of getting in his personal space. I remember the look on his face last night, when he’d scrambled up from the bed. When he’d imagined himself being trapped under Grant again. I never want to do that to him again.
Jude searches my gaze before reaching out tentatively to put his hands on my arms. I take it as a sign and move a bit closer. The heat of his body envelops me, and I relax for the first time since Jude walked out of my apartment last night.
“I was worried about you,” I say. “You were so upset when you left.”
“Yeah. Thanks for sending my brothers after me, by the way.”
“You should’ve heard Rowan ask how I knew you were upset. I swear he thought—”
“I told him about us,” Jude interrupts. “Sorry.”
“No, it’s okay.” I lean forward and kiss his forehead.
He melts into me instantly. His breath ghosts across my lips. “I really am sorry about last night.”
“Don’t apologize for that again,” I order softly. “You were in a weird headspace, and you were scared. I’m not angry.”
“I know. I still feel bad, though. I didn’t mean to put that on you.”
I shush him and tilt my head, silently asking if it’s okay.
Jude smiles a little. “You want to kiss me?”
