I let out a long, steady exhale. Then a smile creeps across my face.
Can I come to terms with everything? Can I fully accept all that Ned is and all that he has done? Can I trust him?
Yes.
Yes, I can.
He is Ned, my Ned. And I love him.
Chapter twenty-eight
Ned
He is never going to be able to forgive me. How could he? After everything I have done and all the lies I have spun. All the truths I have kept from him. This last thing has to be the final blow. The straw that breaks the camel’s back. One too many things to deal with.
Not only am I a traumatized, broken mess of a person. I’m also a vampire. And his dead wife’s great-grandfather.
And now, on top of all of that, the very worst thing about me. Because even if he is right, and I didn’t cause Jennifer’s death, I still slept with him while fully believing that to be true. I really am a monster with zero morals.
He now knows what I believed, what I thought to be true, the entire time we were becoming closer. He understands what a vile and twisted creature I am.
Nobody, absolutely nobody, could forgive all of that. There isn’t a heart big enough in all of creation.
My heavy sigh echoes around my dark and empty bedroom. If anyone did have a heart big enough, it would be Morgan. But at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter. It’s irrelevant. Because, if a miracle occurred and Morgan still wanted me…Well, it would be deeply wrong of me toaccept that mercy. Someone who shines so bright, should not be tainted by me. Deep down, I always knew this. Now I can see it, feel it, practically taste it on my tongue. And hopefully I’ve grown enough to embrace it.
I run my hands over my gross and sticky face. Crying for hours is exhausting as well as messy. I’m glad that Lello kept me company and held me, truly I am. But I’m also relieved he then respected my wish to be alone. Sometimes solitude is the only peace that can be found.
I’m sure I’ll feel embarrassed later about sobbing like a baby in front of witnesses. Right now, I simply feel weary. Bone tired and despondent.
My poor Jennifer. I had no idea how much she suffered. If I had been part of her life, could I have done something? Helped her in some way? Isn’t that what people always say when someone chooses to leave, that they wish they had known?
But that’s a pointless train of thought, because I’ll never know the answer. Any opportunities I may have had, I’ve well and truly missed.
It’s a completely different flavor of pain and guilt from the ones I have been carrying.
Could all of that original pain and guilt I carried for Jennifer’s death, really have been for nothing? Was the blame merely a cruel trick? Smoke and mirrors and Ritchie’s twisted manipulation? Is it really, truly possible, and if so, what does it mean for me and for my future?
I roll over onto my back and stare at the ceiling. Being the cause of Jennifer’s death has been a blueprint for my identity. My very character is based on it.
I’m the asshole who got his great-granddaughter killed, leaving her babies motherless and a man without his wife. All because I didn’t like being told what to do.
Even though I did try very hard to do as I was told. Ritchie’s threat terrified me from the very moment he first uttered it.
But that’s beside the point. The point is, if I’m not that vile, twisted piece of shit, then who the hell am I?
I suck in a deep breath, filling my stiff lungs. Then I slowly let it out until there is no air left in me at all.
Whoever I am, it’s no one good. I’m sure of that much at least. I may not have killed Jennifer, but I’m still a bastard. Look at what I have done to Morgan. All the evidence I’ll ever need to prove I am an asshole, is right there.
He is better off without me.
The words repeat in my head. Over and over again. Ringing out as clear as a bell. They sound like the truth. They feel like it too. A blindingly obvious statement of fact.
Morgan is better off without me.
Not that I need any more reasons to validate that statement, but there is all the other stuff, too. Besides me being a lying piece of shit, there is all that other drama.
Baltazar’s death. Jade going on the run. The Council’s investigation into the whole thing.
