He was imprisoned, repeatedly violated, and manipulated and gaslit. It is beyond awful. The darkness of the world never ceases to shock me, and I hope it never does. I have no wish to become someone who is numb and uncaring about the horrors of the world.
My gaze flicks to the clock on my office wall. I need to pick the kids up from their bereavement group in an hour. There isn’t time to have a whisky and then sober up. I’m going to have to cope with this emotional turmoil with no anesthesia.
That’s fine. But I’m definitely not going to get any work done today. Not that I was expecting to. So, it’s all fine.
I sigh again and lean my head back against the headrest. As soon as my eyes close, a vivid image springs to life. Ned’s hazel eyes staring at me while he stroked my cock exquisitely. I shudder violently and snap my eyes open.
That was intense. The whole thing was intense.
Finding him dead. Feeding him. Watching him come back to life. Feeling the venom course through my veins. Experiencing the best hand job of my entire life.
I should probably feel much more overwhelmed. But ever since Jennifer’s death, every other calamity hasn’t felt like a big deal. I guess after losing your wife, all other disasters feel insignificant. Perspective or something.
Maybe I’m mostly unflappable now? That would be nice. But I wouldn’t go that far. I am sitting alone in my office right now, brooding and ruminating and wishing for a whisky. So not exactly as cool as a cucumber.
As if to prove my point, my thoughts twist down another uncomfortable path.
Ned was fully convinced that he had caused Jennifer’s death. He believed that and still allowed me to develop feelings for him. Some people would be horrified at that.
But I don’t think there is a mean or conniving bone in Ned’s body. He is lovely. Despite everything he has endured.
I do truly believe that he became my nanny purely because he wanted to know his grandkids. He wanted to be in their lives. And he was keen to protect them from ever being in the hands of another Ritchie.
A shudder wracks my body. All our staff in the old house were Ritchie’s people and were willing to kill us on hiscommand. It’s going to be a long, long time before I ever attempt to open the door to that trauma. It’s going to have to stay locked away for now. Though, I do wonder if part of me knew? I found having staff awkward and I’ve been really reluctant to seek the help we need for this house.
I shake my head to clear it. I’m not dealing with that right now. What I am dealing with and attempting to untangle, are my feelings for Ned.
Okay, so looking at the facts. He had his reasons for taking the nanny job and I truly believe he never meant for any of this to happen. For Pete’s sake, in the early days, he avoided me like the plague.
He didn’t mean to fall in love with me. He never meant to make me fall in love with him.
Love?
I taste the word on my tongue and it feels so right. Yes, love. I love Ned and I’m pretty sure he loves me. He never would have looked so heartbroken and guilty if he didn’t.
So…love. We love each other.
I’m no spring chicken, and neither is he. Love is not all it takes. I don’t believe that. You can’t build a life on love alone, especially when kids are involved. Trust is a vital foundation for a healthy relationship.
Therefore, I guess it all comes down to if I can come to terms with everything.
Ned is a vampire.
He is Jennifer’s grandfather.
He hid a lot of truths from me.
I breathe in and out deeply and allow the questions to sink into my soul. Can I accept all of that?
A slow, certain realization settles over me. I want to. I really want to. That has to meansomething.
Images begin to flow across my mind. Accompanied by a graphic replay of how I felt at the time.
First, I recall Lello and Pink at my door saying that Ned needed me. All I had felt was terror, and I hadn’t hesitated at all.
Then I remember seeing Ned dead. I had felt nothing but overwhelming grief and horror. And then when Lello had said I might be able to save him, again there had been no hesitation in my soul. I had wanted nothing more than to bring Ned back.
The final image that floats before me, is Ned sobbing his heart out after I told him Ritchie had lied. The one and only thing I had longed to do in that moment was to hold him. To comfort him. To take away some of his pain.
