And Baltazar’s flight has to be enraged. I can only hope that they are too distracted by fighting over who inherits the throne, to be seeking retribution just yet. But it is bound to come one day. The problem is merely postponed, not canceled.
The whole situation is a steaming pile of shitty, dangerous mess. One I’ve been ignoring because I’ve beenbehaving like a self-obsessed teenager and feeling like my personal problems and my love life are the center of the universe and far more important than anything else.
It is time to grow up. What is actually important, is the kids and Morgan’s safety. That is the only thing that really matters. Wanting to keep the kids safe was how all of this began. My intentions were good, but clearly the old saying has a lot of wisdom in it. The road to hell really is paved with good intentions.
I need to hold on to what I originally wanted. And that was for the children to be safe. It’s blindingly obvious now, that dragging them into my chaotic world is achieving the very opposite of that goal. It always was a terrible idea to begin with. In hindsight, making a huge life altering decision when I had just escaped years of slavery and abuse, was bound to fail. It was a knee jerk reaction and nothing more. A trauma based response.
Everything seems so perfectly clear now. So startlingly evident. It is shocking that I ever failed to comprehend it.
I need to leave.
It is the best thing to do. I can finally stop being a selfish ass and think about the greater good for once.
Yes. That’s it. That is exactly what I need to do.
A surge of energy rushes through me. I leap out of bed, grab a suitcase from the top of my wardrobe, and wildly start flinging things into it. It feels great to have a purpose. To have found resolution and to be taking action. It’s empowering.
I’ll go find an abandoned castle to brood in. Just like I was thinking about the other day. Nice thick stone walls to keep the sun out. Somewhere where people no longer go. Somewhere peaceful.
Maybe I can try to figure out how to do a Long Sleep. I can wake up when the kids are all over eighteen and introduce myself to them, with no lies this time. A fresh start. A new beginning.
Then I will be able to protect them, keep an eye on them. All the things I meant to do but fucked up spectacularly. This time, I’ll do the right thing and do it from a distance. I’ll watch over them without endangering them.
And Morgan… My heart thuds and my hand freezes midway in shoving a pair of jeans into my suitcase. I close my eyes.
Morgan will be free of me. He will be able to find someone who deserves him. Someone who is good for him. And when I wake up from my Long Sleep, I’ll be able to meet them.
I’ll see Morgan happy and settled and in love. Everything that I want for him. Sure, it will hurt that it’s not me. But I’m a big boy. I can take it. I’m going to have to.
Because it really is for the best.
Chapter twenty-nine
Morgan
Today is going to change my life forever. That’s strange for a Thursday afternoon in November. The weather is utterly unremarkable too. Just dull and gray. If life was like the movies, there would be something dramatic going on, or at least stirring and rousing background music.
But no, it’s just me, driving my car while wearing my nicest suit. Glancing frequently at the bunch of red roses on the passenger seat as if they are going to be destroyed if I don’t keep my eye on them.
I hope Ned accepts my apology. I hope I can grovel enough. I never should have freaked out and doubted him. Love is everything and I’ve been an idiot trying to resist it. I’ve thrown up barriers. Made mountains out of molehills. Generally behaved like a broken man frightened of being hurt again.
My hands tighten on the steering wheel. My therapist says I need to give myself some grace. I am a wounded man. It is not terrible and awful of me to behave like one.
Just like it is not terrible of Ned to behave like a damaged person as well. He has been through hell. Expecting him toact and communicate like a healthy, well-balanced person is unfair.
We are both messed up people. We have our flaws. Nevertheless, we are both worthy of love.
I really, truly hope Ned sees it that way.
Next time I’m in this car, I’ll either be the happiest man in the world, or a thoroughly rejected one. Either way, I’m relieved the kids are with Tina, so I am free to deal with the aftermath of the conversation I’m about to have. This moment is a crossroads in my life. And I really hope it turns down the happy path.
Ned’s house comes into view and my heart rate doubles. I turn into the driveway and find somewhere to park amongst the scattering of cars.
Then it’s a quick check of my hair in the mirror. Now it is time to grab my roses and go before my courage deserts me completely.
I hurry up to the door and knock before I can chicken out. It’s only a few moments before I can hear footsteps. My heart rate picks up pace again. Any faster and I’m going to be in serious trouble.
The door opens, and it is Pink who is looking up at me. Okay, deep breath. Honestly, it is probably a good thing that I have a few more moments to brace myself before seeing Ned.
