Who was I?
I had lost my center and my reason for being, besides Sophia. I loved my work, and it helped keep my mind occupied when we weren’t together.
What would I do without her here? The bottle would be my only friend nearby. I needed her with me, my moral compass. She deserved so much better than me, but I couldn’t give her up. Ever.
I walked out of the airport and through the parking garage until I found my truck. Climbing inside, I closed the door, and I could still smell her perfume in the air. She was gone, and I was alone, again. I needed a fucking drink.
I was a complete and utter fucking mess.
27
Sophia
Broken Promises
Kayden saidthere were things I didn’t know about him. I never thought alcoholism would be one. The signs were there. He always had a drink in his hand, and there was never a day totally alcohol-free when we were together. I always ended up drunk or buzzed, while he remained unfazed.
I loved Kayden, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit my emotions were mixed with the knowledge of his alcohol abuse. How could I walk away from him? I could not even go a night without talking to him. When he was clean and working, I adored the man. How did I not know this about him?
Could I deal with a man who had a drinking problem? Someone who went to the bottle and buried his head instead of fighting for what he wanted? I didn’t want that life for myself. My mom had three traits she warned me against constantly: don’t marry a drug addict, a cheater, or a drinker. While I didn’t always want to listen to my mom, and often rebelled against her advice, in the end, she was usually right.
Kayden promised me he would try not to drink so much, but who was I fucking kidding? An addict can’t just stop with a mere promise. His drinking started again, possibly before the wheels of my plane touched the tarmac. He had no chance of staying sober since drinking was the norm among the guys. I saw the bottles lined up on the counter: tequila, vodka, rum, and whiskey. They were the only form of decoration. The temptation too great for him to deny. I had a choice to make.
The Kayden I knew and loved had disappeared.
In his place, there was a man consumed with despair, often missing from my day. Time ticked away. I filled my days as I had before, immersing myself in books and my work. Each day, I prayed for normalcy. It had been established the day he entered my world, invaded it, more accurately, and now there was a hole where he used to be.
Me: Ready to Skype, sweetness?
Kayden: I think I’m dying.
I sighed. The everyday drama exhausted me.
Me: Huh?
Me: You okay?
No response.Fucking asshole.I’m dyingaren’t the last words you want to hear from someone before they disappear. My heart sank, and I felt physically ill. Our talks and seeing him online each evening used to be the best part of my day, and now everything had changed.
As much as my life had shifted the day I met him, it had spun on its axis again, and everything seemed to be unraveling. He wrecked me. Not a quick stab to the heart, but a slow dissection with a dull, rusty blade.
I drowned my sorrows in the lives of my favorite fictional characters and tried to lose myself in their blissful lives, but Kayden never strayed from my thoughts. Kayden would emerge when his self-induced coma wore off sometime tomorrow. Mental and physical exhaustion took over and allowed me to dream of the love I was missing.
* * *
My phone chirped, andI wanted to ignore him, but I couldn’t. The pull was too strong.
Kayden: Are you mad at me?
He left me hanging, worried and stressed, and I wanted to punch him in the face and I wasn’t a violent person.
Me: More than I can explain right now.
Kayden: I’m sorry.
I knew he meant those words, but my anger drove my words.
Me: You’re always sorry, Kayden, but you aren’t doing anything about it.
