I could almost touch the strain between us. Our actions had caused a crack that needed to be mended.
I kissed her with all the emotion and love I felt in my heart. I needed to be inside her, remind her of my love. I made love to Sophia, face-to-face. I looked into her big brown eyes and never looked away. I needed the connection with her. She was mine, and I was hers.
We spent most of Saturday inside holding each other and made love once.
“Please, promise me you won’t drink like that again, Kayden,” she asked in a pleading voice.
“I’m sorry,” I responded. I didn’t know if I could hold true to a promise like that, and all I could do was apologize.
“You scared me. I’ve missed you the past week. I don’t think I could do that again,” she said sternly.
“I used to have a drinking problem and sought help after my arrest, but I have it under control.”
“I had no idea,” she said sadly.
“That’s because I never mentioned it. I don’t usually say, ‘Hey, I’m Kayden, and I’m an alcoholic.’ I had it under control. I don’t usually drink so much… I’m just so depressed about not working. My life is falling apart,” I replied with sorrow in my voice. Sophia was my one bright spot, but I couldn’t focus on her, and the darkness was outweighing the light.
“Please try not to drink…for me. Be constructive. You’ve spent days drunk and passed out. You should have been using that time to fight. Promise me, Kayden. Your life isn’t falling apart. I’m still here. Don’t forget about me,” she said harshly.
25
Sophia
Iwouldn’t sayhe currently had anything under control. Control was a word addicts used when they still abused their drug of choice. The addiction usually controlled the person, not the other way around. I would say, this last week, his addiction, namely vodka, had controlled him.
“I’m sorry, and I promise to do better. I never want to upset you,” he said, staring into my eyes before kissing me on the cheek.
I understood that he felt sad and that he loved his job, but instead of drinking himself into oblivion, he should’ve been making phone calls and figuring out his next step. If there was no hope, as he assumed, then he needed to decide what to do next.Please let it involve me.
Exhaustion painted his face. The weight of the world was on his shoulders, but I wanted him to know he wasn’t alone. I would be there for him and help him in any way I could. The weekend passed quickly, and I needed to go home to return to work.
I had been so scared and helpless while I was away from him. If he was drunk and passed out, he would not be able to make decisions about his future or look for alternate employment. I wanted him in my life, but I did not sign up for a relationship with vodka. I would not give up on him. He needed to understand the depths of my sadness and worry.
He squeezed me tightly, and I got out of bed to pack my suitcase. My heart told me everything would be all right, but my mind knew better. I knew this wasn’t the end of his struggle with alcohol. I knew a decision would have to be made. Did I stay and be his rock, or did I run and cause him to spiral even further?
At the airport, we kissed good-bye. Tears streamed down my face, and I could barely breathe. I felt like my world was ending as I hugged him, unable to let go. I inhaled him. He smelled like the man who I had always smelled before, instead of the stale vodka scent that lingered on his skin yesterday.
I cried walking through security.
I’d miss him. More importantly, I was scared—scared that the drinking would cause our relationship to fall apart.
This was the point where most people would walk away. Where someone would say run, but I couldn’t do that. I believed he could be fixed. That my love could change him, heal him, and make everything okay. I wouldn’t give up on that possibility, and I wouldn’t give up on Kayden now.
26
Kayden
Ihadn’t been entirelytruthful with Sophia in the beginning. I had a drinking problem. Up until about two years ago, my life had been filled with addiction to alcohol or drugs. The aftermath with Lisa caused me to gain control. It was not out of want, though. It was out of necessity. Sophia only knew a small snippet of my past.
My life had spiraled out of control for many years, but one positive thing that occurred because of my arrest was that I gained control of my drinking…until now.
I had nowhere else to turn after my arrest. I couldn’t go home to my parents, and I had no means to support myself. I lost my job because I didn’t show up the next day. I went to a homeless shelter run by the Salvation Army and lived in their communal housing where I was required to attend alcoholism counseling and work in their store. I had to take a real look at my life and what actions led to my ending up at their facility. The alcohol had caused so many problems throughout my life. It was my kryptonite. I had to stop it from ruling my life, and I had been successful until now.
I would eventually share all of the gory details with Sophia. I had to. I needed to. I had to wait for a time when I had control over my life. She was the only beacon of hope in my life. I would try to stay sober for her—try to be the better man she deserved.
I felt my world falling apart as she walked through security at the airport. I reassured her that everything would be okay, even though I didn’t believe any of it.
What was I without a job?
