Kayden: What do you want me to do?
I clenched my jaw, wanting to scream, but I held it in.
Me: Come up with a plan, something besides getting lost in a bottle.
Kayden: If I don’t get my job back, then I’m coming to you, Sophia.
Didn’t he want to be with me? I didn’t want to be a last resort. My heart fractured a little deeper. My love for this man had eclipsed anything I’d ever felt before for anyone.
Me: You’re going to get it back. I just know it.
Kayden: It’s highly unlikely. I’m fucking losing my mind here, Sophia… I can’t do this anymore.
Me: What?
Kayden: I can’t be without you anymore. I won’t do it. I’m going to lean on you, Sophia. I need your light to pull me out of the darkness.
Me: I want you to lean on me, confide in me, but you’ve leaned on Jack for weeks. I’m afraid I’d be just another crutch. I remember something you said to me once—we all fall sometimes in life, Sophia. It’s more important how we recover.
Kayden: I don’t know how to recover. I’m used to leaning on the bottle. It’s been my only friend at times.
My limit reached, I lashed out at him.
Me: I can’t do this anymore, Kayden. You aren’t thinking of what this is doing to me. When you get yourself straight, come back to me.
Kayden: You’re breaking up with me?
Me: If it gets you clean, then yes.
Kayden: Fuck off, then.
There it was. I was harsh with my words, but I didn’t know what else to say to him. I had tried to be the understanding and loving girlfriend. I tried to be supportive and help keep his spirits hopeful. None of it worked. Maybe he needed to get pissed off at me, scared a bit. He needed to fight for something, anything…for me.
Me: Really? You don’t choose me? Guess that’s that. I’ll fuck off, Kayden. Thanks for showing me what love could be, should be…even if only for a moment. Hope you find peace and happiness someday, just make sure it’s not with Lisa.
Kayden: WTF with Lisa?
I knew the Lisa comment would catch his attention. God, this man brought out the shitty side of me. The one that wanted to fight. That wanted him to fight. No longer was I the meek and mild librarian, I was ready to throw down and cut a bitch for what I thought was worth fighting for.
Me: Whoever you are with in the future. Make sure it’s not her. She made you miserable for too long.
Kayden: I’m completely happy with you, Sophia. I’m just not happy with me.
I’d do anything for this man. I needed him to understand that, to feel it.
Me: It’s no excuse. You’re making sure to push me the fuck away, aren’t you?
Kayden: You’re really breaking up with me?
My words were hollow, but I hoped it caused his heart to stop for a moment. I couldn’t imagine my life without Kayden, his passion and love. Didn’t he just tell me to fuck off? Having a conversation with a drunk was so futile. They spoke without thinking and then had amnesia within a few minutes. Why did I even bother?
Me: You told me to fuck off.
Kayden: I did, and I’m sorry. Can we start the day over? I love you, Sophia. I’ll do better, try harder.
Me: Call me when you wake up and can talk to me, Kayden. I need to hear your voice today.
I placed my phone next to my pillow, wishing for sleep to take me. My eyes flew open with a chirp that I couldn’t ignore. Kayden had sent me a song, and my heart thumped as I hit play. “The Reason” by Hoobastank filled the air. I listened carefully to the words, and they wrapped around me, stealing my breath.
