“Then what is the problem?”
Ben brushed their noses together, letting out another small breath. “I’m not sure I trust mine.”
“How so?”
“I want to believe you, Thomas. I really do. But I don’t understand how I can be your first choice when I’m also your only choice.”
CHAPTER15
BEN
Thomas blinked his eyes open,the confusion clear on his face.“What does that mean?”
“I’m the first man you’ve been with, but I’m also the only man you’ve been with.”
“Right.”
“There wasn’t a choice.” He bit his lower lip, knowing he needed to put space between them, but not able to make his feet work. What was it about Thomas that had him so full of wanting?
“I would choose you if there was,” Thomas said.
“And I want to believe you.” Against his will, Ben’s mind went back to Cody and the disaster of that relationship. He remembered all too well the false sense of comfort and security he’d been lulled into before things went to shit. It wasn’t that he expected Thomas to treat him that bad, but things with Cody had made him more aware than ever of what he wanted and what he deserved.
Ben had wanted a casual hookup because he’d wanted to clear his mind. But Thomas had gotten under his skin and made him think different ways and want different things. And the whole while, he’d been there wanting Thomas and the promise of what a relationship between them could be, even though he couldn’t shake the nagging doubt that he wasn’t more than a passing mid-life crisis for the other man.
Cody had robbed him of his ability to trust.
It wasn’t fair to ask Thomas to do work to repair the damage caused by his ex, but he didn’t know what else to do.
“But it’s not that easy?” Thomas asked.
“I just want to be sure. I wantyouto be sure.”
Thomas pulled him closer, their fronts colliding so Ben became achingly aware of the hardness growing between Thomas’s legs. “How can I make you sure?”
The idea sat on the tip of Ben’s tongue, but even as he thought to verbalize it, he hated the taste.
“Dating,” he choked out.
“I’ll date you.”
He shook his head. “Not me. Or at least, not just me.”
“Excuse me?” Thomas’s fingers gouged into his waist and he pushed Ben back into the middle of the sidewalk. He didn’t let go, though. He came off the wall, straightening his back and stepping after him.
“I just want you to be sure,” he said again.
“You want me to date other people? We just talked about being exclusive. I don’t understand.”
Ben wanted to kiss the frown off Thomas’s face. Why had the other man said no kissing? Why did he care? Why was he insisting on such a horrible idea? The only person who would get hurt in this was himself. If Thomas went out with another man, met someone else and realized that Ben wasn’t so great or wasn’t worth it, he’d be gone. But even if Thomas did come back to him, Ben would only be the first and last, but maybe not the only.
“It was a bad idea,” he said, already wishing he could take it back.
“I know.” Thomas scoffed. “But did I understand you right? Is that what you were saying?”
“I’m confused, and I’m sorry.” He closed the space between them and wrapped his arms around Thomas’s waist, holding their bodies together so tight there was no atoms or air between them. Thomas didn’t hesitate. He returned the hug, holding Ben just as tight, if not tighter.
“Is that what you want?” Thomas sounded like Ben had sucker punched him, and the breath left Ben’s own lungs in kind.
