“You know that’s hard for me.”
“I do. I also know we talked about how important it is for you to continue to work on that.”
“At their expense though?”
“No.” Harlan’s tone was reassuring. “I’m not suggesting that.”
“So what do I do?”
“What do youwantto do?”
“I don’t know. Have Gavin magically not care Graham and I are together and be okay with me telling him, I guess? And know there’s no risk of it ever getting out to anyone.” Thad slumped back on the couch and rubbed his face.
“Is that realistic?”
“Probably not. I mean, definitely not the second part. And probably not the first part.”
“You believe Gavin would be upset about you dating one of the guys on the team?”
“Yes. Last year, he flat-out told me if I fucked around with anyone in the organization, I’d be out on my ass.”
“And you don’t feel it would make a difference that this is a committed relationship instead of fucking around?”
“I honestly don’t know.” Thad looked down at his hands. “A part of me wants to think so but I’m afraid I’m wrong. And afraid of fucking things up. This is the closest Gavin and I have been in years. That’s—that’s a big fucking deal to me.”
Harlan nodded, listening intently as the conversation continued from there.
After his hour was up, Thad left the therapy session no closer to a decision than he had been when he arrived.
That wasn’t to say it hadn’t been helpful. It was. It always was. Even when it left him feeling emotionally wrung out, he knew it was worth doing.
It wasn’t a magic solution to all of his problems. He still had to put in the work.
Annoyingly, trying to unpack all of the bullshit in his head wasa lotof fucking work.
So as Thad left the building, he didn’t turn toward where he’d parked his car, but headed in the other direction on foot.
It was late evening, the sun well below the level of the city skyline, the air crisp, the orangey-brown leaves that had fallen onto the sidewalk crackling as he stepped on them.
It was a beautiful autumn night and when a couple passed, walking hand-in-hand and laughing about something, it made Thad wish he could do that with Graham.
He wanted to hear his laugh, see the light in his eyes, and feel him squeeze Thad’s hand back.
But wanting Graham was never the problem. It was having him.Keepinghim.
Because what was the solution here? Tell his brother he was in love with?—
Thad stopped abruptly and someone behind him clipped his shoulder, skirting around him with a muffled curse that didn’t even register.
That was it, wasn’t it? He was in love with Graham.
That was what his circling thoughts in therapy had led him to.
He loved Graham.
And while the thought filled Thad with a surge of fear—what the fuck do I know about love?—it also filled him with a peaceful certainty. A sense of rightness.
That was what all this had been leading to, wasn’t it?
