He’s damn near catatonic, and I don’t know what I should be doing. But I know two things for sure. One, he’s going to be covered when he comes back to himself, and two, he’s not going to be alone.
I work quickly to put his briefs back on him, then wrap him in the blanket and pull him down beside me. I’m torn between touching him and leaving him alone, but I don’t know how else to bring him back to himself. I brush my fingers over his cheek. “Hey, Luc. I’m here. I’m so proud of you for saying to stop. I’ll alwayslisten to you. I promise.”
He’s not talking now, but he’s also not doing much of anything else. Panic has taken the place of blood in my heart, pumping through my veins and weighing down my body. “Luca?” I still don’t get a response. “That’s okay, baby. I’ll be right here when you need me.”
After what feels like a lifetime, Luca chokes out a raspy “Austin” as his wide, terrified gray eyes settle on mine.
“Hey, baby,” I whisper, trying to swallow down the tears clogging my throat.
He whimpers, his face screwing up in pain. “Hold me.”
Without thinking, I wrap my arm around him and pull him on top of me. His chest shudders hard, his face disappearing into the crook of my neck. “Shhh, it’s okay, baby. I’m here.”
A hitch in his breath and a tremor running through his body are the only warnings I get before a heart-stopping sob rips from his chest. Another follows, then another. His ragged cries tear at my heart as I wrap an arm tightly around his back and hold him to me. “Oh, baby, you’re okay.”
He’s not actually okay, and I know it. And worse? Now he does as well. He thinks he doesn’t want to be touched with love and tenderness because he’s afraid of what that means. Callous touches and being treated like he’s nothing may seem like what he needs. Like the things that will make this okay for him, but they aren’t. What Luca needs islove.He needs soft caresses and tender kisses. He needs warmth and care and to be taken care of.
I rub my hand over his back in slow circles, trying to calm him down. It’s no use. He’s crying like I’ve never heard him cry before—each sob worse than the last, each gasping inhale harder for him to get in. Luca has gone full steam ahead since he got here, anduntil this moment, I don’t think he’s let himself feel the full gravity of what he survived.
Warm tears drip onto my neck and run down my back, making a small wet spot under me on the sheets. I talk to him. I tell him he’s safe, he’s loved, and that he’s going to be okay. I keep talking until my voice gets hoarse and my throat is tight with emotion.
I hold him until his cries taper off and turn into gasping hiccups. Until he settles more with each second that ticks by, his body relaxing and slumping harder against mine.
Finally, he lets out a deep breath, then sniffles. “I’m sorry,” he whimpers, voice cracking.
“Look at me, Luc.”
He sniffles again, a weak, pathetic sound. “Not baby?” The fear in his voice is almost as heavy as the pain.
“Look at me, baby.”
With another gasping breath, Luca raises himself off my chest and stares down at me. My poor baby. His eyes are red-rimmed and glassy, cheeks splotchy, and nose raw and red. He doesn’t break my gaze, though, and I’m so awed by that strength and resilience that I could almost weep myself.
I don’t want to do this to him, but I have to. I have to set the boundary. He’s a grown man, and I have no interest in controlling him, but I also have no interest in letting him self-destruct. If he’s going to do that, it won’t be with me. I’ll never, ever hurt him in that way. Even if it’s what he thinks he needs. “Don’t ever ask me to do that again.”
His eyes widen, shame coloring his features. “I’m sorry,” he whimpers, and the lump I managed to swallow down earlier finds its way right back into my throat. “I’m sorry. I’ll… I’ll do better—I promise I will. Just…” He drags in a shaky breath, panic lighting up his eyes. “Justplease, Austin. Please give me a chance to make it right.”
“Baby—”
“I’ll do anything. Anything you want. I’m sorry.”
“Luca—”
He sobs, and my chest caves in. “Please. Please. I’m sorry. You have to believe me. I’m so sorry.”
I sit up, somehow hooking his legs so they’re wrapped around my back, and pull him snugly against my body. “Shh, Luca. Stop talking for a second.”
“But, I—b-but I…Oh, God.”
His chest heaves. I sit back and cup his face. “Luca, look at me.”
“I’m sorry,” he mouths silently.
I clench my jaw tight, willing the tears filling my eyes to back off. “Baby, stop. Please stop. Listen to me.”
He opens his mouth to speak again, but all that comes out is a shaky noise. “Luca. Quit talking and listen.”
When his mouth snaps shut, I damn near send up a silent prayer of thanks to whatever power may be out there. “You didn’t do anything wrong,” I say slowly, carefully. “You don’t need to apologize.”
