“But I—I freaked out. I said I wanted this, and I freaked out. I didn’t… I couldn’t—”
“Baby, hey, hey, calm down. You’reokay.We’reokay. Everything’s alright.”
Only I worry that may be the first lie I’ve ever told him.
“Really? You’re not mad that you didn’t get to fuck me?”
What? That’s what he’s worried about? That I’m mad he didn’t have sex with me?Fuck.Of course that’s it. I’m a fucking idiot.
I give him a gentle smile, working hard to make sure it reaches my eyes even as my heart cracks right down the middle. Brushingmy thumbs along his cheeks, I just sit there for a second, letting him see the truth in my eyes, letting himfeelthe truth in my touch. “I’m not mad, I promise.” His shoulders slump. “ButI don’t ever want you to try to use sex to hurt yourself ever again.”
“I wasn’t,” he defends quickly.
“Maybe not intentionally, baby, but you did. You tried to use impersonal sex to cover up what youreallywant, am I right?” He bites his bottom lip, eyes dancing with indecision. “Tell me what you really want, Luca. Not what you think you should want. Not what your fears aretellingyou to want. Tell me what youreallywant.”
I’m not sure I’m going to get an answer, and that’s fine. Maybe he’s just not ready to be honest with himself, and if he’s not ready for that, he’s certainly not ready to be honest with me.
“I want to have sex,” he blurts out.
I nod slowly. “Okay.”
I know him as well as I know myself. We’re two peas in a pod, two halves of the same whole, and I can’t believe it took me so fucking long to see it. But I do. I see it now. And because I see it now, I know he wants to say more; I can practically see the thoughts building, ready to spill out.
“I—” He cuts himself off with a shake of his head.
I slide a hand into his hair, cradling his head gently. “Tell me, baby.”
“I want soft,” he whispers so quietly I can barely hear him even though he’s only six inches away from me. “I want to be safe,” he says, a little louder this time.
He squeezes his eyes closed as the corners of his lips turn down into a frown.
“I can give you soft and safe,” I offer gently.
Pretty gray eyes meet mine. “You alreadydo.I just need to figure out how to trust it.” I open my mouth to speak when he sighs heavily, so I close it. “It’s like… every single interaction with Damien left me feeling shitty about myself. Especially sex. Do you have any idea how long it’s been since I’ve had enjoyable sex or even sex I’vewanted?” It’s clearly a rhetorical question because he plows on like he didn’t even ask it. “And when wedidhave sex, there was nothing about it I liked. He didn’t care about what I wanted or what I didn’t want. He didn’t care if I got off or, hell, if I even got hard.”
He drops his gaze, his chest rising and falling with each measured breath he pulls in. When his eyes find mine again, I’m struck by the vulnerability shining in their depths. “I want to feel good, but I don’t know how to trust it. There has been no good, Austin. Not for me. Not like this. I—” He shakes his head. “I thought that if I just got it over with, then I could… I don’t know… not freak out about it.”
“That’s not gonna work, though, baby. You can’t heal unless you let yourself feel what you need to feel.”
“I know.” He lets out a sigh, then searches my face. “I want to… Fuck, I think I—” He closes his eyes, his expression pained. “I think I want to be taken care of. I don’t want to have to worry about what I’m doing or if it’s right or wrong or if you’re enjoying yourself. I think I just need to trust that you’ll enjoy it because it’s me… I don’t know—that probably doesn’t make any sense.”
I think it makes plenty of sense. It’s also heartbreaking. I run my fingers through the dark strands of his hair. “I’ll enjoy being with you in any way, Luca.”
He lets out a shuddering breath, then opens his eyes. “How do you know?”
I don’t think words will matter. Not when he’s learned not totrust them. I’m sure that Damien filled his head with plenty of pretty words. In the end, the actions didn’t match, though. “I just do, Luc. It’s you and me. Of course I’ll enjoy it.”
“Can we try again?” Luca whispers.
I hesitate. “If we do this, we’re doing it my way. Not because I want to control you, but because I don’t want your view of what we’re sharing to be skewed. I promise I’ll take care of you.”
Distrust flashes in his eyes. It would be easy to let that hurt my feelings, but I can’t take it personally. “Okay,” he whispers.
I lean in, closing the distance between us, and kiss him. It’s not a kiss meant to arouse him or me. Hell, it’s not even romantic or sexual. It’s just soft. Gentle. A caress meant to comfort. I break the kiss, then brush my nose along his. “I know right now, all you have are my words, and words don’t mean anything, but give me some time, and I’ll show you with actions too.”
The only response I get is Luca’s sharp inhale and his slight nod.
I take a deep breath, then wrap my arm around his waist and rise on my knees, laying him out on the bed in front of me.
