Whether that’s friendship or something more.
There’s no need to define it yet. Just moving toward a future that isn’t clouded by bitterness or pain is enough for now.
I stand before the mirror, meeting the eyes of someone I’ve only just begun to recognize. Not long ago, all I saw was a girl convinced she wasn’t enough for the boy she loved. My reflection was heavy with sorrow, the weight of it pressing from the inside out.
Now, I see a woman who smiles freely, whose eyes gleam with something brighter than old pain.
The vibrant tattoos on my arms and legs are a living story, proof of a woman who found strength in her scars.
I take a deep breath, run my fingers through my short, mermaid-colored hair, and let a smile bloom.
Baby steps.
Just baby steps.
I’m ready for this new me to meet the new him, wherever that might lead.
Bitter Pills to Swallow
Keaton
WhenIwalkedintoGrinders to ask Charlie out to dinner, I never imagined she’d look me in the eye and ask me to disappear from her life.
Looking back, I see now that was my selfish grip on her. When she broke down again in front of me, I finally realized my fear of losing her, my desperate need to cling to any piece of her, was only keeping her wounds open. She never had space to heal with me haunting the edges of her life.
Only then did it hit me that I wasn’t the only one bleeding. I had my own mess to clean up, too.
Knowing it might be the last time I’d ever see her, I pressed a kiss to her forehead, whispered my apology, and walked away.
For six months, I’ve avoided everywhere she might go. Inkubus, my parents’ house, and my own four walls have become sanctuaries. Surprisingly, it’s been more peaceful than expected. Before last year, staying home every night felt like a punishment. Now, it’s relief.
I want to believe this is growth, but some days, I can’t see it in myself at all.
Navigating friendships in Charlie’s circle has been a learning curve. I used to ache to ask about her, but I know she wouldn’t want that. Now, it’s easier. We’ve silently agreed on the topics that are off-limits, at least until someone says otherwise.
It stings every time I reach for my phone, ready to tell Charlie about my day, only to remember I can’t.
My notes app is full of unsent messages, each one waiting for the day I find the courage to hit send.
The moment I left Grinders, I booked the soonest appointment with Lionel. I was spiraling, drowning in self-loathing, scared of what I might do. Aside from the night I fucked up and cheated on Charlie, I’d never felt so low. Luckily, Lionel had a slot open the next morning.
It took weeks and several sessions with Lionel before I realized just how much baggage I was still carrying.
My relationship with Charlie.
My so-called friendship with Rianna, and how I let myself get so tangled up that it became more than just a physical affair, it turned into an emotional one, too.
Swallowing that truth was fucking brutal, even after Lionel helped me see it months ago. Accepting that part of myself has been the hardest, because I never thought I felt more than attraction and friendship for Rianna.
Charlie was my person from day one. She was everything I wanted, everything I saw. But then college happened, and I met Rianna. Suddenly, things shifted between me and Charlie. Now I see it was me who changed, and not for the better. Rianna was new, intriguing, and I was just a stupid boy who got lazy. Instead of cherishing what I had, I started looking for something I didn’t.
It’s strange, though. When Charlie was with me, Rianna barely crossed my mind. She only existed in my thoughts when she was standing right there.
Then one night, Charlie broke down and told me she saw right through me. She knew I was attracted to Rianna and that our friendship was dangerous. I wanted to dismiss her fears, call them ridiculous, but the pain in her eyes made me stop. Her feelings mattered, no matter what I thought. I hated that I couldn’t deny my attraction, and it only made her hurt more.
Charlie was always supposed to be my forever, my endgame. I was losing sight of that, so I finally did what I should have done from the beginning. I ended things with Rianna.
I had no idea Rianna wouldn’t let go so easily. She was determined to claw her way back into my life, no matter what.
