“Look, Alex, you obviously don’t feel the same about me, or we wouldn’t be standing out here in the freezing cold arguing about it.” He gathered all his courage. “I can’t help my feelings for you either, but I don’t want to lose you as my friend. That is the very last thing I want. But I’ll understand if you—”
“Stop!” Alex put his hand over Riley’s mouth, silencing him. “Just stop talking for one fucking second.” He fixed Riley with a stern glare that warned him to keep quiet. Then he took his hand away. “Ihave no idea how I feel about anything at the minute, so you can’t stand there and assume that you know what I’m thinking. Before this weekend we were just best friends. More like brothers, even.”
Riley arched an eyebrow. “See, that’s the problem. I have very non-brotherly thoughts about you, Al.” Even just saying it sent a thrill down his spine, despite the fact Alex was about to stomp on his heart. Riley still had the memories of that night, and he clung to them tightly.
Alex stared at him for such a long time, saying nothing, and Riley would give anything to know what he was thinking. Even if it was bad, he just needed toknow. “I, um, used to have non-brotherly feelings about you, too.”
The initial spark of hope flared and then died as the whole of that sentence sank in. “Used to?” Fuck, had Jake been right and Riley had just never noticed what was under his nose? How the fuck was that possible? “What does that mean?” Alex opened his mouth to speak, but Riley held up his hand to stop him. “You know what, it doesn’t matter.” He didn’t think he could stand there and listen to Alex tell him he used to feel the same about Riley, but Riley had missed his chance. “All I’m interested in is how you feel now. Right this second.”
Swallowing down his fear and his doubts, he cupped Alex’s jaw and looked him in the eye. “I want to be more than friends, Alex, and I don’t mean some friends-with-benefits bollocks either.” He wanted nothing more than to lean in and kiss him, show Alex how much he wanted this, but he bit his lip in an effort to distract himself. “What do you want?”
“Fuck.” Alex’s gaze dipped to Riley’s mouth and back up. “You can’t dump all this on me and expect me to catch up to where you are just like that. I need some time.”
He kept glancing at Riley’s lips, which had to be a good sign.
Riley leaned in a little more till their foreheads touched. Alex hadn’t said a flat-out no, and maybe he was right. Riley had had a long time to sort out his feelings. He couldn’t very well expect Alex to do it in the space of an hour. Pushing aside his disappointment, he tried for a smile. “That’s fair enough.” Reluctantly he took a step back and let his hands fall to his sides. “Maybe we should head back to the lodge for a bit.”
Alex smiled back tentatively. “I think that’s a good idea.” He gestured to Riley’s hands. “Because those are bloody freezing. Where the fuck are your gloves?”
Riley glanced down at Alex’s hands—he was wearing Riley’s gloves—and he laughed softly.
“Oh.” Alex shuffled his feet, a faint blush to his cheeks. “They were still in my pocket from yesterday.”
At least some things hadn’t changed. The tension in Riley’s shoulders slowly trickled away as they turned round and headed back to the lodge. While it hadn’t ended with Alex shoving him against a tree and kissing him, he hadn’t left Riley to make his own way home either.
They weren’t together in the way Riley wanted them to be, but they weren’t broken beyond repair. Not yet, anyway.
Abi’s car was gone, as Alex had said, and it seemed weird to walk into the lodge without the others being there. Riley glanced up to see the sprig of mistletoe above the door, and he frowned. That had to have been Dylan. Abi would never have done it—especially after witnessing their heated words outside earlier—and neither would Nick. Jake might have, but the fact it was stuck up there with Sellotape and not Blu-Tack screamed Dylan.
Riley quickly kicked off his boots, hung up his coat, and walked into the lounge, hoping Alex wouldn’t see the mistletoe. They really didn’t need to add any more awkwardness to the situation. Riley was on edge now, fidgety in a way he only used to get before exams. “Beer?” he asked, already on his way towards the kitchen.
“Yeah, please.” Alex’s voice sounded muffled from where he was still bent over untying his laces.
Riley glanced back over his shoulder and tried hard not to stare at Alex’s arse in those jeans, but he failed miserably. He looked away quickly and busied himself getting the beer out of the fridge.
By the time he’d located the bottle opener and got the tops off, Alex had gone into the living room and stood in front of the windows overlooking the back. “It’s snowing.”
He pointed at the sky—now a grey-white—where the tiniest of snowflakes had started to fall. Riley joined him and handed him one of the beers. “Thanks.”
Alex clinked his bottle with Riley’s and then went back to watching the snow.
They drank in silence for a few minutes. The snowfall was getting heavier by the second and already starting to settle.
Riley grinned. “I love the snow.”
“I know.” Alex’s smile wasn’t as big as normal, but it was an improvement on the last one. “I think we’re in for a fair bit, too.”
They watched the snow and finished their beer. The silence wasn’t exactly uncomfortable, but he sensed Alex watching him out of the corner of his eye, and he hated knowing he was probably thinking about everything Riley had said.
They’d been friends for years, but at that moment, Riley had no idea what to say or how to act. Maybe he had ruined everything, after all, because they hadn’t been this awkward with each other since secondary school.
Alex cleared his throat and pointed at the telly. “Dylan left his PS4. Fancy shooting some things?”
“Yes.” Riley jumped at the suggestion, probably far too eagerly, but he didn’t care. They’d been heading into one of those horrible extended silences, and he refused to let their relationship devolve into that.
As soon as they sat down, controllers in hand, Riley’s competitive streak kicked in, and for a while he managed to forget about everything but his on-screen character. They trash-talked like they usually did, but by unspoken agreement were careful to stick to safe topics. That was until Riley crept round a corner, aimed his gun at Alex’s character and crowed. “Fuck yes! Your arse is mine now.”
To which Alex dodged sideways and automatically replied, “Yeah, in your dreams.”
