“Yeah.” Alanis nodded her agreement. “Thinking about things differently isgood.”
Audrey shrugged. This wasn’t exactly a trade secret. It was something pretty much anyone could work out from watching enough YouTube videos. But it still got a bit laws and sausages—knowing how they were made kind of ruined it. “Well I used to hang out with a lot of media people and the thing about this typeof show is that… It’s not that they’reriggedexactly.”
“Knew it.” Joshua threw his hands in the air. “That’s why I came bottom of the blind first week.”
“No.” A half lifetime of interviewing difficult subjects kept Audrey’s tone as non-patronising as she could make it. “There you genuinely did just miss the brief. But it’s why I think you’re notlikelyto make the final if I’m honest.”
Alanis had gone from cheerful to distressed in an eighth of a second. “But he’sgreat.”
“We’reallgreat,” Audrey pointed out, though she privately felt she was the least great at the table. “But this is a TV show and TV is about storytelling.Yourstory”—she nodded at Alanis—“is that you’re the youngest contestant ever to be on the show.Yours”—she indicated Linda—“is that you’re good but you don’t have faith in yourself. You and me”—she waved her hands between herself and Joshua—“we’re sort of filler.”
Aren’t you always, said a voice that sounded like Natalie. Except Natalie would never have said that. In some ways, it might have been easier if she had.
“Filler?” repeated Joshua, with as much outrage as he could muster without breaking his lifelong commitment to ironic detachment.
Audrey nod-winced. “Maybe that’s not quite the right word? We’re there to be recognisable characters, but nobody’s rooting for us and nobody’s going to tune in to see if we win or—”
“You’re making it worse,” cried Alanis. “This is horrible. You’re not characters. You’repeople.”
“To us we’re people.” Audrey’s nod-wince was progressing down her body and had just reached her knees. “But to the audience, and kind of the crew because it’s their job, I’m the quirkychubby one—”
“You’re not,” began Joshua predicably.
And that, Audrey waved aside. “Joshua, I know what my body looks like and I’m fine with it. Anyway, I’m the quirky chubby one, you’re the obligatory hipster. Neither of those characters win.”
“I’m not sure”—Joshua extended his forefingers like he was making half a picture frame—“I likehipster.”
“I’m not sure anybody likes being reduced to a reality TV archetype.” Audrey shrugged. “But that’s what we signed up for.”
“Still not comfortable with it,” said Joshua.
It shouldn’t have surprised Audrey that a man who refused to be pinned down to a single cake didn’t like the idea of being reduced to an elevator pitch, even if that pitch was essentiallythe kind of man who refuses to be pinned down. “Didn’t say you had to be. But look at it this way, people are going to think aboutyouthe exact way you thought about the contestants from last season.”
The other three shared a series of crestfallen looks.
“Fuck,” said Linda, “am I the Paris?”
Audrey made an I’m-afraid-so face. “Assuming he was the tall one with the hair, yes.”
“Fuck.”
Despite the length of this particular tangent, Audrey had singularly failed to distract Alanis from the who-will-win question. “You still haven’t told us who you actually think is making the final.”
Honestly, it was pretty simple. Well, as simple as these things got. “Thereareregulations here,” she said carefully, “so it can’t be completely set in stone. And besides, production wouldn’t want it to be because that would kill the spontaneity.”
“You’re still hedging,” Alanis pressed her.
“Fine. It’ll be you, Doris, and Meera. They won’t be able to resist the”—Audrey bit her lip; this was likely to land even worse thanhipster—“old lady versus mum versus young girl hook. It practically pitches itself.” And now she’d said it aloud, she had to admit it was going to make one hell of a season. No wonder Jennifer was protective of it.
The expression on Alanis’s face, however, suggested she wasn’t appreciating the artistry. “But that’s so…basic.”
“It’s reality TV. It’s a basic medium.”
Joshua was staring in the middle distance, which made him look either contemplative or constipated. “This is depressing.”
“I wouldn’t go that far,” said Audrey. “It’s just that TV magic is like all other magic. Mirrors and hidden wires.”
“Um.” To give Audrey credit, she’d successfully distracted Linda from one set of worries. If only by giving her a new set. “I’m not suremagic isn’t realis as undepressing as you think it is, Audrey.”
