I knew he was taking on the burden of all that had transpired, yet all I could think about when he’d said that was how much better it would have been forhimhad he never come to Fever Falls to get me to work on this damneddeal.
He didn’t want the attention, or for his mother, who God knew he already had plenty of issues with, to evoke memories of those hard times from his past. Just as bad, when I saw his worry about me when he entered that hospital room, I knew I’d done that to himtoo.
When Dax said he shouldn’t have come, I should have told him none of it was his fault or that he was the best damn thing that had ever happened to me, but all I could think about was that maybe it was better that heleft.
I was just fucking up his life, and I could only cause him pain and agony if hestayed.
I plopped down on the couch,sulking.
Mac must’ve sensed my grief, because he climbed on and licked at my face, which made me aware of the tears streaming down myface.
No. Iwon’t.
But they came unbidden, escaping the way they’d been trying to during my stay at thehospital.
“Mac, I sure have a way of fucking thingsup.”
He rested in my lap, and I rubbed the back of his neck, then behind hisears.
I should have called Dax, told him he was wrong and that he hadn’t fucked up anything about my life, but really, hehad.
He fucked me up so bad in my head, but only in the best possible way. He came in through the back door, in more ways than one, and surprised the fuck out of me. Every moment we spent together made me feel more alive than I’d ever thought possible. Before I met him, I’d never felt like my life was empty, but even the silence that dragged out with him not around in that moment felt likeagony.
I wanted to call and tell him how sorry I was that I so recklessly spit those words out that made him feel responsible for my pain, but all I could do was imagine how much better his life could be if he walked away and never had to deal with everything that being with meentailed.
I sat there for some time, agonizing over it all. A rattle at the door gave me hope for a moment, until it opened and Nance headed in with a couple of bags of groceries she’d pickedup.
“Hey, baby, how you feeling?” She shut the door behind her, searching around my place. “Where’sDax?”
I turned away, ashamed of what a coward I’d been with the way I pushed himaway.
“Gone. Probablyforever.”
I was being overdramatic. He was still in Fever Falls, and he’d left his things at my place, so he’d have to come back. But I wasn’t upset just about seeing him again. I was upset because I’d finally realized that the best thing for him might have been to get out of town and never see me again. However, the thought that I might never get to feel his touch, hear the cadence of his voice, or enjoy a joke he texted, made the burning sensation in my chest radiate through me, overpowering any pain I’d felt when injuring myleg.
I needed to bealone.
Even having Nance there was toomuch.
I wiped at my face quickly, knowing I had to keep my cool while she wasthere.
Come on, Jace. Toughenup.
“Is everything okay?” Nance asked. She started around the couch, abandoning the groceries on thefloor.
“I’m just sitting here feeling sorry for myself. I know you came all the way to play nurse, but you mind if I have some time to myself? A lot happened today, and I could use some time with my ownthoughts.”
She glanced me over. “Okay, I’ll head out. But you mind if I sit here with you for aminute?”
“I’m worried about why you want to sit with me,” I said, detecting suspicious motives in herexpression.
“You should be, Jacey.” She sat next to me and Mac, who still lay in my lap, and she stroked his coat with me. “I’m sorry for everything today brought up foryou.”
“Nothing you could have done about it. And Dax warned me about this very sort of thing. I guess since it hadn’t come up already, I didn’t see why it would. At least, not like that. Or maybe it was just the timing with my injury and knowing you guys were worried aboutme.”
“We don’t get to choose how life happens, do we? Otherwise, Crawford would still be with us. And you wouldn’t have been in that fire. Or finding yourself completely head over heels forDax.”
I didn’t deny it, but I didn’t say anything to give her more to work witheither.
