Maggie lay across the mattress, feeling as comfortable as if she’d decided to sleep on a concrete slab.
The moans and groans had finally settled outside her door.
Moonlight streamed through the window, illuminating her room with a blue light.
She’d occupied her attention with a crack just under the ceiling, trying to imagine what kind of creature would have lived inside it. Bat? Cockroach? Spider? The thought of a spider left her feeling small prickling sensations all over her body, so she had to pull the sheet down to ease her paranoia.
Her belly now held her attention. It was too big to ignore, unlike the early days, when she had known what it was and tried to act as if it wasn’t.
It took her back to a day many years earlier.
“A whore isn’t fit to be a mother!” Mom had shouted.
Having noticed Maggie’s continual weight gain, her mother had forced her to take a home pregnancy test. The result had sent her into a fit, screaming and fussing.
“Who is it? Who is it, slut? Where did you take his poison? Did you eat it, too? I bet you did. I bet you sucked it right out of his snake. You loved it, didn’t you? Whores always love it. They need it. Is that what you are? Is that what you want everyone to think you are?”
One humid afternoon, her mom, seeming unusually pleasant, told her she needed a haircut and they headed off. As the drive stretched far beyond the usual for the hair salon, and Maggie’s mom didn’t seem any more inclined to reveal the whereabouts of their destination, Maggie became suspicious.
Her mom didn’t have to discuss her plan. Somehow, she just knew, and as they arrived at the city clinic, Maggie was certain she only had two options: stay with her mother or with this thing that was inside her.
An alley lined the side of the clinic. As her mom crept inside without her, she stared at it, thinking,That’s my choice.
It was uncertainty. It was terrifying. But she felt that it was the right thing to do, and a powerful urge pushed her down that alley, into her future.
Years later, she was sure that God was punishing her. Her mom was the closest she’d ever been to God. Everyone had told her so…constantly. Surely, they were right. Satan’s path had been compelling, and it had led Maggie into darkness.
Bunch of crap, Maggie thought, her eyes still on her belly, but her thoughts on her mom’s communions with the divine.
A part of her had always wondered—imagined, “What if she’s just making this all up?” Even as a kid, she had this deep suspicion for her mom, but she was sure that it was just ignorance—her naivety about God. Had it been a lie? Had her mom been insane? She knew she’d never know the truth. What she knew was that whatever her mom experienced on those mornings on the linoleum floor of the local Pentecostal chapter was not what it had seemed to be.
Nothing was what it seemed.
Still, her mom had been right about one thing: “A whore isn’t fit to be a mother.” Maggie had always known that, and it was why she’d wanted to terminate this pregnancy. This wasn’t a way to bring a child into the world. A child deserved better than that. The world was cruel enough without having to grow up so disadvantaged, so crippled by societal boundaries.
I’d be a terrible mother, Maggie thought.They just need to take it, so I can get on with my life. I didn’t ask for it anyway. It was forced on me. I would have never done this to myself. No. It deserves better. I’d be the worst thing for it.
Her thoughts wandered to a boy at the bookstore Dedrus and Kinzer had taken her to. He played on the floor, pulling crossword puzzles off the rack and setting them at his side.
Where the fuck is his mom?she’d thought.Fucking irresponsible bitch.
She studied him. She wondered if she’d be capable of taking care of something like that.
No, no, no,she’d thought.It’s a rodent. It’s horrible. Why would anyone want something so careless, with such disregard for everyone else?
But she hadn’t been able take her eyes off him.
Now, she wasn’t able to take her eyes off her belly.
***
As Dedrus smirked, his bristly beard scratched against Kinzer’s cheek.
Dedrus’s stomach lay flat across his. His arm framed Kinzer’s face as he tickled Kinzer’s scalp with light strokes through his black locks.
Guilt ravaged Kinzer’s mind. He’d thought he could just fuck Dedrus. He’d thought he’d be able to distance himself from those feelings from the past, but at the culmination of the act, he’d realized that he’d forgotten about his Janka entirely and was only thinking about his feelings for Dedrus. He’d wanted him. He’d needed him—the way that he’d needed him so long ago.
He’d thought,Could he love me? Does he love me?
