We stop by Home Depot. He picks up some soil for the garden andputs it in the back of the SUV. I stop asking questions because I realize theyaren’t getting me anywhere. Just confusing me—frustrating me—even more than Ialready am.
If he’d told me right away that he was bi, I doubt I would be thisconfused, but it’s the fact that I feel like I’ve been blindsided by it. Notthat he lied. We never actually discussed how he felt. I just assumed that hewas gay. Any other guy would have just assumed he was gay. He fucks guys,therefore he’s gay. This is the first time in my life that it hasn’t been thatsimple.
When we get to Reese’s, he heads out into the backyard to workon the garden. I tell him I’m gonna take a nap, but I can’t fucking sleep. Notafter what I just learned.
I guess it’s a combination of never being with someone I knewwas bi and someone with a panties fetish that is throwing me off. If he’d justbeen gay and wanted that, like I thought, it would have just been this quirkything that he liked. And I would have been eager and excited about doing itagain. But now that there’s this whole other layer to why he wanted that, Ifeel a little dirty for having entertained his fantasy. And admittedly, I’mthinking, “Was he thinking about his ex-wife while he was fucking me?”
He loved her.
She broke up with him.
He obviously enjoyed fucking her, too.
I know that we needed this. That if there’s any chance of usactually being something serious, I have to know the truth about who he is. Butwhy does the truth have to be so fucking confusing?
I hop on my laptop and google everything I can about bi guys,heading to different message boards. Not much help. I try “bi guys” and“panties” and just come up with shit about crossdressing. Not helpful, either.
I wasn’t expecting a google search to answer my question, but Iwas hoping to at least find some people who were dealing with shit like this.
Maybe I’ll try later.
Why does this have to be such a big deal to me? It doesn’tchange that I like Reese. Doesn’t change that I want to keep being with him. MaybeI’m making a big deal because I feel like something has to be wrong. Thingshave felt too good, been too easy between us that now there has to be somethingabout him that’s totally going to fuck up everything that we’re doing. That’sgoing to bulldoze the relationship we’re reaching for.
I can get through it. Maybe not today, but I can figure out howto make this okay in my brain. I like Reese. A lot. And it meant a lot that heopened up about this to me. And now that I’m calming down, I realize how big ofan asshole I was for the way I reacted to him opening his heart to me, beinghonest with me. His honesty shouldn’t have been met with questions andaccusations, but support.
I’m a bastard.
33
Reese
Disappointed. That’s how I feel.
I thought sharing my history with Jay would bring us closertogether, but that was a fucking mistake.
I carry a bag of soil through each row of plants, pouringliberally. When I’m finished I’ll go back around and spread it with my hands.
Jay said he was going to take a nap, but I imagine he’s justreplaying our entire relationship, trying to make sense of it within thecontext of what he now knows.
The back door to the house opens and Jay comes out. The seriousexpression on his face isn’t reassuring.
Is he coming out here to ask me some more questions? I don’tknow if I can deal with them right now.
“Hey, man,” he says as he approaches.
“Hey.” I don’t look at him. I just keep spreading the soil.
“Can we talk?”
“Shoot.”
“No. Like, can you set the bag down for a minute? I want to saya few things.”
I stop pouring, squat, and set the bag down. As I stand back up,I look into his eyes. He doesn’t look as guarded or defensive as he didearlier. I’m hoping that’s a good sign.
“I’m sorry, okay?” he says. “That was a real dick move of me.You told me something important, because you were trying to be open with me,and I just shut you down.”
“That’s about right.”
