“Andsheleftyou?”
He tenses his jaw. “Yes. That’s what happened.”
“So you’re hung up on her?”
He winces. “It’s been almost a decade since I saw her. I’vemoved on, Jay. I’m not the guy I was back then, and she’s not the girl she was.I mean, plenty of people get dumped without being totally hung up on the personfor the rest of their lives.”
“And you enjoyed having sex with her?”
“Did we not cover that question?”
“Sorry. It’s just…damn, I don’t even know what to think aboutany of it. Like whoareyou? Are there other things you haven’t toldme?”
“As much as there are other things you haven’t told me. I’velived enough that there’s shit in my past. Do you want me to make a list of allthe people, guys and girls, I’ve ever slept with? I don’t think you want thatany more than I want to know about all your sexual escapades.”
But he did just feed me a pretty good question. “What about apercentage?” I ask.
“What?”
“Guys-to-girls?”
“Oh, God. I don’t know.”
Why do I think that’ll make this better? I guess I’m hopinghe’ll say that he’s leaning toward fucking guys. Then I don’t have to feel soweird about it.
“Like twenty percent.”
“Twenty percent girls?”
“Guys.”
Fuck.
“Why is that a big deal?” he asks.
“It just confirms that you also need to get your rocks off withgirls.”
“That doesn’t make any sense.”
He sounds irritated by my line of questioning, and I admit that I’mnot thinking all of this through, but what does he fucking expect when hesurprises me with shit like that?
“It makes a little bit of sense, at least,” I say. “I’ve justnever had to think about if I like girls or guys. I’ve always known it wasguys. What is that even like when you’re growing up? How did you know what todo?”
“It was a little difficult when I was a kid. When I was inmiddle school, there was this guy I was really hot for. My friend, Ryan. Whenwe changed together in the locker room, I’d always feel a little twitch, and Ifigured I might be gay, but then there was this girl in one of my classes, andI had the hots for her, too. At first, I wondered if I was just making it up.Trying to convince myself that I was straight. But I pretty much got the samefeelings around her. I decided to go with whatever I felt and trust thatwhoever I was really attracted to would sort everything out. The next year, Istarted messing around with this guy at the housing facility where we stayed. Ifigured that was proof enough I was gay because it felt good and I really likedit, but then a couple of years later, I ended up messing around with a girl atschool, and we started dating. After that, I pretty much only had relationshipswith girls and flings with guys.”
“What does that make me then?” I ask.
“Oh, shit. Jay, you know I didn’t mean it like that.”
“Didn’t you? Are you saying that this is some temporary shit?”
“No. I wasn’t saying that. I was just explaining that it’s kindof all over the place. I don’t have some one thing set in stone that cansimplify what I feel for people.”
Tell me about it. That would make it too easy.
“I like having sex withyou. I like the time that wespend together.” He turns from the road and looks me directly in the eyes. “I likeyou, Jay.”
His words offer me some comfort. I must be a real dick forinterrogating him like this, but this was a lot to digest in one morning.
