“I’ve never had anyone share something like that with me. And Iwasn’t lying when I said that it kind of weirded me out with the…panties thing.I don’t know. Put yourself in my shoes. It wouldn’t go through your head at allthat maybe it was because you were thinking about me as a girl?”
I look over his body, his muscles tight against the T-shirt he’swearing. “Trust me, Jay, when I fuck you, I don’t think about girls at all.”
His lips curl at the sides, and it’s the first time I’ve seenhim ease up since our conversation back at his place.
“I’m sorry for being an asshole,” he says.
“Thank you for the apology. And thank you for taking me to yourplace today. And listening to me. Even though you were a dick about all that,it meant a lot to me to tell you. And to learn some things about you. The onlyreason I did any of that was because I want to take things further, and we canonly do that if we’re open with each other about who we are. I have to admitthat you keeping your place a secret from me made me feel like we were delayingmoving forward. And in the same way, that’s what I was doing with my ex-wife.By not sharing that with you, I was keeping us from being able to move ontogether. That’s important in any relationship. Getting to know the otherperson. The real other person. Not just this idea that we come up with in ourheads of who they are.”
“I get what you mean there.”
I smile.
“So all that stuff you said about Caleb?” he asks. “About movingdown here because of him?”
“I asked Melanie first, and she was more than willing. She dideverything she could to help me. I honestly don’t know how I would have handledthe amputation without her. She was the one who stayed on top of myappointments with my prosthetist. She helped make sure that I was comfortablewith the prosthesis. When Caleb came back, she knew I was having a hard timementally. She had been encouraging me to get help, but I wouldn’t. I think shefigured that moving near him would help us both because at least we would haveeach other. But it didn’t do much good. Just two struggling guys trying to leanon each other for help, grasping for answers that neither of us had. And dyinginside the whole time. It got even worse after he killed himself. Then Melanieand I both knew how much I needed help, and she tried to make me get it. I wasstubborn, though. I didn’t think I could be helped. One time she made theappointment for me to see someone at the VA’s office, and I told her I wasgoing. But I went to the grocery store instead and walked around for a fewhours before going home and telling her I didn’t think it would do me any good.It was a long process, even after she left, before I got help.”
“I thought you said you got help after that episode you had atwork…when you talked to that vet.”
“He did tell me to get help, but it was a while even after that.It wasn’t until a few months later when I ended up on the floor of my house forabout a week after I left that job. I was having one of the worst episodes ofmy life. And I was thinking the sorts of thoughts that I know led Caleb to takehis own life. That I wasn’t right in the head. That I never would be. That Icould end it all and never have to worry again. It scared the shit out of mebecause I realized that I didn’t have a choice at that point. I was eithergoing to do what Caleb did or see if I could find a reason to keep on going. Itwasn’t easy, but I made myself go to the VA office, which was about as uselessas you could imagine, but I was fucking determined. I wasn’t going to end uplike Caleb. And if I was, I was at least going to die having fought my ass offto live.”
“I’m so sorry you had to go through that.”
“Not your fault. Just a crazy, shitty world that we live in. AndI figured it out. Well, I’m figuring it out. This garden’s helped a lot. It wasone of the first things I ever did to get my mind working on something else. Itwas hard as fuck, too. Building it was like fucking lifting weights. A constantbattle. Not physically, but against all these things in my head that crippleme…cripple me worse than…”
I don’t even want to say it. I don’t want to remind myself of itagain. Don’t I have to deal with it enough as it is?
He approaches me and kisses me softly before running his fingersthrough my hair.
“I hope you don’t see yourself that way, Reese. As some crippledguy. Because when I look at you, when I hear about everything you’ve beenthrough, I just see this incredibly strong, brave man. A man who I admire somuch for working so hard to find a way to survive when everything inside himwas trying to destroy him.”
I smirk. “Look who’s sure not being a prick anymore.”
He laughs. “Shut up. I said I’m sorry.”
“Whatever. Maybe I can jump in the shower and we can get back towhat really matters. I think I need a pick-me-up right about now.” I movetoward him quickly and wrap my arms around him, keeping my glove-covered handsaway from the back of his shirt, since I don’t want to mess it up.
“You’re all sweaty,” he says, though he doesn’t make it soundlike a bad thing.
“You like it?” I ask.
He gazes up at me, his eyes wide with eagerness. In this hotmoment, he’s obviously abandoned all that concern he was dragging around withhim earlier.
“I like it a lot.”
I kiss him, and he doesn’t hesitate to kiss me back. He restshis hand against my sweat-soaked face. He slides his hand behind my head andpulls me in closer.
When I break away, he gazes into my eyes. “Let’s get thingsfinished up out here and take a shower.”
He helps me put away the soil, and I figure I’ll come outtomorrow and spread it. Right now, I just want to be with Jay. Remind him thatthe only person I want to be fucking is him.
We head to the bedroom.
I remove my prosthesis and put it in the corner of the room, andwhen we get into the shower, I grab onto a rail.
I run the water, allowing it to slam against my back, blockingit from Jay, but I figure I need to get clean more than he does right now.
Jay turns to a shelf in the corner opposite the showerhead andpresses down on the soap dispenser a few times, collecting a thick wad in hishand. He rubs his hands together and turns back to me. “I’ll take care ofthis,” he says, excitement in his eyes. He lathers the soap in his hands beforesweeping them in semi-circles across my chest, gripping firmly like he’s justtrying to get a good feel.
