Everything is fucking fine.
~~~
Easton
The door closes and I release a heavy groan. “See. You see what I mean? He doesn’t even want to be around me! How the hell am I supposed to talk to him when he can’t be in the same room as me?”
Blakely’s head drops back between her shoulder blades, giving her chair a couple of spins. “I don’t know, honey. I can’t get a read on him, but it could be a me issue. Brady isn’t meddling so maybe everything is fine.”
There’s false hope woven into her tone, a delicate kind of optimism that’s reserved when someone you know is struggling, but you’re unsure how to help. I usually hear it when Brady is trying to convince me to make it through the day. It’s as familiar as a favorite sweater. Soft, well worn and holds on to a lot of love. But the helplessness always comes through.
But I guess that’s the crux of it all, isn’t it? Love always hurts, it’s just a matter of balance and the nature of it. Does it hurt because it forces me to look in the mirror and admit things about myself I tried to bury? Does it hurt because it scares me to have someone so close? Does it hurt like taking a leap of faith, no clue where I’ll land?
Love for me has always hurt differently before I met Chase. I was brought to a boil so slowly that I had no idea it was killing me before it was almost too late. It started straight out of the womb, so how could I have ever stood a chance? God loves me, but I’ll burn for eternity if I daydream about holding hands with the boy who sits next to me in homeroom. Mama loves me so much, but she also calls me mean names because I don’t like getting my clothes dirty and I don’t wanna know what Daddy would have to say about it.
Brady’s love never hurt, but I couldn’t tell the difference because he was taking so many arrows to the back for shielding me. His pain was tangible to me, no matter how close he kept it to his chest, so it was all the same at the end.
So when love really started to hurt, with its holes in the drywall and bloodstains on the sheets, I was primed and ready for it. I’d been preparing my whole life for the moment the wayhe’d promise to love me forever in one breath and scream he hates me in the next.
The night he stole my innocence, forced me to give it to him when I wasn’t ready, the pain felt so normal. Even as I’d sobbed into a bath towel so I wouldn’t be too loud, felt so jagged and exposed and filthy—it wasn’t anything that shocked me. Maybe disappointed, but that’s only because I always hoped for something different, even if it felt like a pointless thing to want. But that night was probably the last time I was brave enough to be let down by how love came my way. Watching footsteps under the door, convinced that he was going to come hold me, take me in his arms and steal this pain away. Then the light turned off, shadows trailing off into nothing, and I broke.
Looking back, it was probably why I stayed through what I did. Nothing hurt quite like that, and it was supposed to be the purest expression of love there ever was. Now the old pain is back in a brand-new way. Confusion hurts, and right now, Chase is the most confusing person I know. He looks at me with sad eyes, like he misses me, but can’t stand being in my company.
I miss him so much, it’s tearing me in two. I miss the way he laughed with me and held me like I mattered. I miss the sparkle in his eyes. I hope I didn’t take it away forever. Maybe if he’d just talk to me, it would come back. He hates uncertainty as much as I do; I know everything is stacking up against him. But how can I help before he’s ready to talk and doesn’t want to spend time with me?
That kind of cuts me off at the knees. If he’d let me, I’d hold him the same way he does me. I’d rub his back and whisper promises. He showed me how; I know I can be that for him. If only he’d just let me in, I’d do everything for him. Anything.
“Would it make you uncomfortable if I put a whiteboard in here so I can see all this laid out somewhere other than my brain?”
The question startles me back into reality. Blakely. I think about it for a second, but can’t come up with any reason why that would be what sends me over the edge. This is the only place in the house where things don’t feel weird. “Are you finding that much?” I ask instead.
She rubs her eyes. “I don’t know. That’s why I’m having such a hard time. There’s a lot of information I’m sifting through here, and I can’t keep it straight anymore. Maybe there’s less than I think, but it seems like more because I don’t have anything physical to look back on. I’m getting worried that I’m going in circles. If you don’t like that idea, I’ll think of something else. No problem. Just thought I’d take your temperature on it.”
If I’ve tried to convince her to give this up once, I’ve done it a hundred times. “Anything that makes this even mildly easier for you isn’t going to be an issue with me.”
“Cool,” she says, looking around the room. “Do you think they make pink ones?”
I laugh, a real one that feels so foreign it surprises me. “I’m gonna finish this today.” I waggle the book with a grin. “Think you can pry yourself away from the keyboard long enough for a movie night?”
“Here me out. Outdoor movie night, complete with all the snacks. We could hang out in the pool and set up the projector.”
If she thinks she can win me over with bribery, she’s absolutely correct. “It’s a date.”
~~~
Blake sure does go all out. And by that, of course I mean that she has grand ideas and has Landon to run the mechanics of the operation. It’s damn near magical, and I’m embarrassingly excited watching him set things up while we’re busy playing mermaids. Everyone has decided to join, though Blakely and I are the only ones who understand the reason for the extravagance. Brady and Chase are keeping sort of tothemselves, occasionally assisting Landon, but mainly looking like lost boys stuck to the edge of the fun and unable to join in. Tomorrow, I’ll probably be sad about it, but I’ve decided nothing is going to bring me down tonight.
I mean, come on, there’s currently a kiddie pool being blown up for us to float around in while we watch.
Blake pops up from underwater, saddling herself next to me. She props her arms up on the ledge and rests her head on top of them. “You know, I only told him to grab some popcorn and candy. Everyone assumes I’m the romantic gesturer in this relationship and they’re wrong.”
My heart absolutely does not melt at that realization. Not one bit. “He seems to really like making you happy.”
She hums, eyes firmly on her man. “He’s always been like this. I can’t believe how long it took me to see it for what it was.” She seems to blink herself out of a trance. “Come on, I wanna play some more before the sun goes down.”
A little memory slips back to me like a note passed in class. Mom calling me a water baby. The way Brady had thought it was the funniest thing he’d ever heard because I was obviously a human baby. I took to swimming like a duck though, wanting to be able to dive for colored rings like he could.
Nothing significant, at the end of the day, but a little piece of me that had been forgotten falls back into place nonetheless.
