“I bet I can hold a handstand longer than you.” I’m already under the water before she can cry out in outrage, but she meets me at the bottom before flipping upside down. I do the same, ignoring the slight twinge in my ribs because I don’t want pain to stop me anymore. I want to live through it, maybe even laugh through it when I can. Days like today don’t come around very often, and when they do, I’m going to seize every single one. Life is too precarious to not live, I’m learning. It’ll take time, but I like having something I feel like I can overcome. The fear is alwayspresent, I know what’s waiting for me out there all too well. But here, I just want a day to play mermaids and giggle over a cute movie with a friend.
CHAPTER 9
CHASE
Idon’t even know why I’m out here, with all honesty. If I thought I could slink off without being noticed, I would have already left. But somehow, I ended up between Landon and Brady, unable to make for the door without both of them seeing. Easton and Blake are having the time of their lives, floating around in a kiddie pool stuffed with pillows and blankets with their movie taking up most of the backyard on the projector.
Me? I’m just here. A glorified lawn chair. Vaguely angry lawn chair, if I’m getting real specific, but I can’t really explain that one so I’m choosing to leave it alone for now. The cutesy banter and high quality chemistry on the screen is not fucking helping, I can tell you that much.
My phone buzzes in my hand, a text from my fellow lawn chair.
Brady: Do you think Easton has ever seen a movie where the main characters are gay before this?
Well. Once again, I’m an asshole. I hate that. How easy it is for me to forget that he’s had almost no exposure to his own culture. Didn’t have the rainbow flags on his front lawn growing up or have a friendly neighborhood drag queen four houses over.This might actually be a significant thing for him, seeing two gay men fall in love. Feeling like a whipped puppy, I thumb back a response.
Me: Doubt it tbh
Me: He seems to be enjoying it at least
My friend nods next to me.
Brady: I should have exposed him to stuff like this when we were younger. It never even occurred to me he might need it.
Me: Was there an abundance of queer culture for you to educate yourself with first in your culty church community?
If he wanted someone who wasn’t sarcastic, he should have known better by now. That’s on him. Brady huffs, annoyed. But truly, what the hell does he think he could have done? Most of his education about the queer community came from me after he moved out of his parents’ house. He came out of that weird cesspool of human excrement without an ounce of hate in his heart, which is nothing less than miraculous if you ask me, and he feels bad that didn’t know what was out there for his brother that was still closeted.
Insanity.
Both things can be true. Easton deserved to be brought up in a queer positive environment and have exposure to entertainment that was made for kids like him, and Brady gave him the best shot he was going to ever get given the hand life dealt him. No kid—queer or not—should ever have to live in such a hate-filled environment as they did. But let’s not pretend that shouldering the burden of someone else’s mental health crisis to keep them safe is ever falling short.
Brady would never call it a burden, and I wouldn’t either now that I’ve seen it up close and personal, so maybe that’s not the right word. Responsibility might be closer. Either way, he’s being ridiculous and I’m pretty sure he knows it. It also sounds like the least of our issues until Blake finds something concrete.She’s been extra cryptic about everything, which I have no idea if it’s because she isn’t getting very far or if she is and it’s bad enough to keep to herself.
Why we’re not fucking freaking out is beyond me. Easton has no idea where this guy is or if he’s noticed that there’s no prisoner waiting at home for him anymore. We also have no idea what to expect. Kidnapping at gunpoint is a different animal entirely than domestic violence. Not to downplay this jackass’s abusive nature at all, but I can’t shake the feeling that this escalation is only the beginning. This isn’t a true crime TV show, for fuck’s sake. We’re not prepared for this.
They aren’t talking about it. I’m forced to live in this weird twilight zone where everyone around me is acting like it’s normal that we’re hunting down a violent criminal.
No wonder I can’t bridge the gap.
Brady’s worried about a distinct lack ofDrag Racein his brother’s childhood, meanwhile that very same brother is being stalked.
He doesn’t text me back and I’m grateful for it. The movie drags on in all its copious adorableness, giving me plenty of time to stew. Not that I need anymore of that, but it’s hard not to when, in my direct line of sight, is everything I don’t know how to have, and I’ve got kidnapping on the brain.
After the movie is over, I take the first available opportunity to take off for my temporary room, but once I’m there, I have no idea what I’m supposed to do with myself. The sounds of my friends laughing with each other carries up the stairs as the sinking feeling settles in my stomach that my presence is dragging them down. Overhearing their joy is a curse. If I wasn’t around, would they be like that more? Laugh easier? Smile more often?
By the time there’s a knock at my door, I’m fully ready to spin the fuck out. I don’t know why I bother hoping it’s Easton—we’vehardly spoken since he got out of the hospital. Still, when I find Blake on the other side of the door, my heart sinks.
“Hey,” she says softly. “I wanted to come check on you. You took off pretty fast earlier. Is everything okay?”
It’s so fucking absurd, I can’t do anything but laugh. An overrated Hollywood heartthrob is about to come around the corner and tell me I’ve been had. This is all one big joke.Ha ha, Chase. Isn’t it so funny that the one person you’ve ever fallen in love with tried to fucking kill himself because he got fucking snatched by his psycho ex??
And to top it off, it’s not even like I know that because Easton told me; Blakely eventually caved to Brady and fessed up to a little bit of what happened that day. Because Easton told her and she thought we at least needed to know the basics of what he’s dealing with.
I’m so tired, my fucking teeth hurt. I’ve spent night after night staring at the damn ceiling fan whirling around, wondering where everything went so wrong. We were doing good. He was doing good.
“Yeah, everything is great. Fucking awesome. Glad you could pry yourself away from doing Easton’s nails to ask.”
The glare she throws my way is nothing short of lethal. I’m confused when she leans back and looks up and down the hallway before grabbing my wrist and aggressively dragging me out of the room. “What are you doing?” I demand. Not that it matters. She’s clearly stone-walling me on purpose.
