“It was never your fault. I shouldn’t have ever said what I did. I shouldn’t have acted the way I did. I was so mad, so sad, and you were there. I’m so sorry this had to happen for me to talk to you. I wanted to so many times, but I never knew how. I never knew how to pull you back to me, to fix what I broke. I’m sorry. I should’ve listened to your mom, to Penelope, to Josie. I should’ve talked to you.Perdoname.”
Fresh tears fill my eyes. “J-Josie told you to talk to me?”
“At the game. I should’ve done something. I was just afraid, upset, angry—not at you, but I ended up taking it out on you because I was stupid. I know it’s not enough, but I am sorry. I don’t want you to hate me. Please let me in; don’t shut me out.”
“I never hated you. I thought you hated me, so I just stayed out of your way,” I admit, biting the inside of my cheek until a metallic taste coats my tongue. “You never looked at me the same after Adrian’s funeral. You didn’t look at me at all. I felt like I wasn’t doing enough for you. I want to be enough. I want to make you and Mom proud and happy.”
He pulls back, keeping his hands on my shoulder, and looks down at me. His face is just as puffy and red as mine feels. A small smile curls on his lips. “Nosotros siempre hemos estado orgullosos de ti. I know I didn’t show it like your mom did, but I’ve always been proud. I’ve recorded all of your games on TV and have taken so many pictures, I had to get more storage on my phone. I’m sorry I didn’t show it enough or at all, but I promise I’ve always been proud of you. You could stop playing now, and I’d still be proud of you.”
My brows raise in surprise. “But you would always say I did ‘just good’ or I could always improve.”
His face flushes. “It’s not an excuse, but you know I’ve never been good with words. Anytime we were around each other, Ifelt you draw away, like you couldn’t wait to get away from me. I didn’t know what to say. I’m sorry.”
He embraces me again and I let the silence draw out. The emotions and light swirling in my head overwhelm me.
“I thought if I left, it’d be easier for you. Sometimes…I thought it’d be easier for everyone if I was…gone.” He hugs me tighter. “I-I tried a few times over the years, but I never could go through with it. I don’t know why. But I do know I hated myself every time because it wasn’t fair that I got to enjoy my life and Adrian didn’t. I wish it had been me. I’m sorry it wasn’t me.”
I feel guilty. He stayed fifteen and I’m twenty-one. It’s not fair. It’s just not.
“Do not apologize.” His breath catches and a deafening silence washes over us at my admittance.
Until the moment I got drunk and made an ass out of myself, I never admitted this, but he needs to know; I can’t hold on to it anymore. The guilt keeps dragging me down. I don’t know how to not feel it.
“You, Penelope, and your mom give me purpose. I don’t know what I’d do without all three of you. I’m so sorry for making you feel this way. I’m so sorry you felt that was the way out. We need you in our lives. We need you. We love you.”
His words are both liberating and overwhelming.
“I’m not fine. I haven’t been for a while. Well…” I clear my throat, the large lump making it hard to speak. “I was okay when I was with…Josie.” Angry tears rush down my face. “She made me feel likemeagain, but I felt guilty for feeling okay. I felt guilty that Adrian would never get to experiencea Josiein his life. I hated myself because she—” Memories of her play in my head. “Was it for me and she made me happy. She made me feel so good, I looked forward to a future with her. I wasn’t thinking about Adrian and the future he wouldn’t get to have. How selfish is that? He died because of me, and I was happy planning myfuture with her?” I close my eyes, focusing on the rapid beat of his heart. “I’m not okay, and I’m tired of pretending like I am. I don’t want to feel like this anymore, but I don’t know how to not feel…empty.”
“He didn’t die because of you. I need you to understand that. It wasn’t your fault. It never was. You have the right to be happy with Josie, so let yourself be happy with her. I saw the way you looked at her, how she looked at you. Your mom saw it too. And it’s all Penelope talks about.”
“We’re not together anymore,” I say through clenched teeth. “So can we not talk about her right now because if I’m being honest, it’s making me feel really anxious.” I fist my trembling hands. “I just wanted you to know I’m not fine, but I want to be.”
He nods. “We’re going to work through it together, okay? Things are going to get better. I promise.” He pulls back a little to stare down at me. “Thank you for talking to me. I’m so sorry it took this for me to be here, but I promise I’m not going anywhere. I’m here for you always, Daniel. I love you.”
I don’t force a smile like I usually would just for the sake of looking okay. He doesn’t look disappointed when I don’t and that makes me breathe easier.
“I love you too,” I say, realizing I’m not stuck in the void. I don’t feel happy, but I don’t feel empty either.
55
JOSEFINE
April 3rd
What are you sorry for?
I thought I could hide what I felt to make you happy.
I skim the empty living room, stalling on the areas where his stuff used to be. I struggle to breathe when I glance at something else. My head spins and my lungs compress painfully the more I look, absorbing the reality of what my life is again.
Dark. Empty. Alone.
My bottom lip wobbles, but I press my lips together to make it stop. That only makes them cast downward and quiver harder.
His friends came and grabbed his stuff. I didn’t want them to. I didn’t want to hide in my bathroom while they took his stuff. I wanted him to stay. I wanted to tell him I was capable of loving him. That I was capable of being enough to help him, but I couldn’t because I knew I wasn’t enough to be what he needed emotionally. But who am I kidding? I was never going to be what he needed in general.
I inhale a breath, but it gets stuck in the middle of my throat when I spot the gift bag, the one I know holds the picture frameswewere supposed to fill. The flowers he got me are still in thevase in the middle of the island. The words we shared right here, where I’m standing, stay confined in this space, choking me with the reminders of us.
